Equestrian Spoiler Alert

The following is an account of what horses have taught me thru the years. This account is by no means a complete list and omits some of the items addressed in my last blog…and lastly, it is not in any specific order as items relate to trauma or bodily injury. Through the years, I have come to question whether horses have trained me more than I have trained them. Here are some accounts:

Just when you think you have dealt with any / all medical or injury issues outlined in the Merck Manual, you are suddenly given a diagnosis that is so foreign to you and out in left field that you can only respond by saying, What? When? Where? How? Can you please translate that term in English…when was this condition invented.
There will always be that one horse that poops right after you have cleaned his / her feet. You file the hoof pick away in the grooming box just to look up and see your horse standing in a fresh pile of manure. Being the solutionist that I am, I decide to clean the feet in the stall so that I do not have to go chasing a shovel while on the cross ties…to no avail. Finally, I decide to wait until after riding to clean feet only to have the flatulent horse wait to give the last trumpet call…you got it, after I clean their feet. I have even gone as far as having shovel in place anticipating the exact moment the bomb will drop, only to have the horse look around at me like I was a complete idiot.
Vets do not offer Black Friday deals on service calls. Don’t even ask, I have already done that for me, you and the rest of the equine athletes on a shoe string budget.
That one horse that makes every attempt to step on the hose while you are rinsing and / or bathing them. You know damn well that horse knows what they are doing. While you make every attempt to shove the 1200-2000 pound horse off of the hose, you manage to tangle things up worse. For the record, I have grown irritated that I am continually played for the fool; therefore, my horses have grown desensitized to the hose going over the back, under the belly, thru the legs whatever it takes to get the task accomplished with the less than amused candidate.
We interrupt this program to inform you the horse that is scheduled to show on the upcoming weekend has sprung and / or lost a shoe. You may resume riding if you can bribe the farrier to make a trip given a days notice or hope that you can catch a farrier at the show grounds behind 20 other emergencies. With any luck, you may have 10 minutes to tack up, school the fresh horse after being off schedule for 2-3 days and manage to exit the show arena in one piece. Congratulations if you didn’t have the spectators wondering if you were the half – time entertainment!
When walking the training level cross country course at dawn and conclude that you can skip the shoe studs since the footing looks safe and reliable…DON’T! After 25-30 riders go before you are slotted to go, you will surely encounter divets, craters, and mud from the torrential rain that came out of nowhere at the 10th rider.
This brings me to another item, since I am not one to keep up with the fashion trends that come and go in the industry, who made the call that rust breeches were out of style? Since I have become notorious for modeling the trends that came in on the Mayflower, I still own and wear my rust breeches. I may not look like I just stepped off the runway but I can certainly get by with 3-4 wears before laundering.
Always wear disposable gloves and closed toe shoes when administering thrush solution, especially when that empty plastic carrot bag goes breezing by after you just spent your spare change on a mani / pedi (pedi only applies to those that historically wear flip flops to the barn).
ALWAYS WEAR A HELMET WHEN RIDING. If you are worried about hat head, extensions or that $70 blowout you just had, etc…ask yourself who is going to tend to that mysterious illness or injury your horse now has when you are in a coma…or worse?
Always inspect your tack before riding…this goes without saying and needs no further explanation. I cannot even begin to describe the horrific experiences when reins, stirrup leathers or girths break at the most inopportune moments.
Just because you body clipped an entire horse one month prior without any aides or sedation does not mean that horse will comply when time to do the facial, ear and fetlock trim. Unless we are tidying up for an upcoming show, I will usually conclude that the moon and stars are not in perfect alignment that day and will put task off until the universe is once again in harmonious sync.
If you are a weekend warrior during the Fall and Winter season, like a lot of amateurs that work full time to support their horse cause, do not heed No Stirrup November. That is, unless you want to walk into work feeling like your water just broke with the first human child you brought into the world. While YOU know why you feel like a train wreck, others may wonder and/or ponder about your engagements from the previous night. My mind did not go there…did yours?Simply wait until Spring when your strength, stamina and some semblance of coordination returns.
Do not purchase a brand new pair of boots and expect to win your equitation class before appropriate time and measures have been taken to break them in.
You arrange for the vet to make an emergency run to the barn because your horse acts like they are minutes away from their existence in this realm…only to observe them acting perfectly fine when the vet arrives.
When your horse runs back to the barn without you in his / her company…and you are hobbling behind in a delayed fashion looking like you escaped from the wrath of a war zone. Upon your return to the barn, you find your steed greeting fellow neighbors with tattered reins you just purchased several weeks earlier. To make matters worse, your trainer enters the barn and exclaims “I told you to lunge that horse first”.
Walking back into the barn to retrieve something you left behind only to be greeted by horses calling out in starvation distress…just 10 minutes after feeding them.
When you have to resort to taking your car to the feed store for hay and feed when your truck is in the shop…only to be told you have a “fancy” urban farm vehicle.
Shopping for tack is a lifelong investment.
Just when you think you are finally living within your means when your budget is going according to plan, only to arrive at the barn the next day to find that a horse is looking cross-eyed and foaming at the mouth…OMG, is this another mysterious illness in the updated Merck Manual!!!!
Just because the horse has loaded, onto the trailer, exceptionally well on every prior occasion, does not mean that he /she will not see that invisible monster inside the trailer when trying to load on that ONE occasion when you want to beat the line to the farrier at the show grounds.
When in doubt, wear spurs for all mounts. For beginner riders, do not try this at home… or unless instructed by trainer. As a last resort, take a pair with you to the lesson or show ring for the convenience of not having to return to the barn to retrieve a pair.
Since one size does not fit all, remain open-minded to others that have experienced some mysterious illness or injury that has been incarnated without your permission or knowledge. Never mind that you end up with multiple pricey remedies in your medicine cabinet. You can always re-enact the entire process with the multitude of solutions in a future case…because you will never know what the ultimate cure-all was anyway.
Do not decide to bathe or pull mane the day before going to a show…worse, do not apply show sheen to the mane. Otherwise, you may be greeted by an imploding braider and be forever ousted from their client list. FOOTNOTE: always be kind to the braiders – and any team member that graciously offers to lend a helping hand. These unappreciated enablers work behind the scenes while you are sleeping (often times in -20 degree weather) to make certain your horse is neatly turned-out for your event. It is ok that after years of braiding your own horse, you decide that your circus braids are less than effective for confirmation divisions. Just remember that it is not a braiders job to tell you that slightly longer, thinner, unpolished mane makes their thankless job a lot easier at 2am when their nimble fingers are on the verge of frost bite.
This is a subject I will tread lightly on since preference is a matter of opinion…BUT it is my opinion that conservative is always better than overkill regarding tack and attire. While I realize that every horse is unique regarding the specialized gear that is required to keep them safe and sound during their assigned task, I often see horses outfitted in suits of armor as though they are going into battle. If the horse is such a risk for injury, I would consider whether that horse is safe to ride. If a horse/rider enter a Tadpole level Event, why the breastplate, over girth and weights simultaneously…would it not be better to find a suitable saddle that fits the horse properly? It would be more appropriate to see these items in (maybe) Training and (more than likely) Preliminary levels. Otherwise, you risk rubs and sores from all of the unnecessary tack while maintaining your assumed noble warrior appearance.
Gals, leave the Bling at home. Trust me when I say that those hoop earrings that were so fashionable in the 70’s will become the new shiny ornament adorning the tree branch you just blew past while on endurance trail.
Make certain your mount knows how to adequately steer before attending a Fox Hunt. Better yet, in a perfect world, wait until your braces come off before heading out over the hills and thru the woods on that mount with questionable steering. Otherwise, you may find you left the tree standing but your braces are now permanently implanted in your lips and will require a skilled technician to repair the damages.
Make sure to inspect both sides of a perimeter hedge before you decide to go steeple chasing. Otherwise, you may wonder who will be more surprised to land in a wild boars’ den…you, the horse, the boars or any configuration thereof. Trust me when I say the last place you want to end up is in the nearby vicinity of wild boars!
For the working class of Amateurs, sport the hazmat suit over show attire until ready to mount. It will make your life a lot less stressful in the interim…and who knows, you may just establish a fashion trend. This need not apply to riders with grooms.
There are 3 classes of riders: the underachievers, the overachievers and the one who find themselves neatly between the two. I fall into the latter category and firmly believe in the age old adage, quit while you are ahead. For an example, if a green prospect gets their first clean lead change I call it a day instead of attempting the other direction in that same session. I prefer to whoop, holler and carry on ridiculously at one achievement rather than going for the gusto and risk being disappointed by pushing my luck.
If I appear to be having conversations while riding, there is a good chance I am NOT talking to myself…BUT…to the horse. I have found that this can be reassuring to the young, green prospect that tends to be anxious or tense. The Bonus is you will have a horse familiar with voice commands when that foot injury (you know…the one where the 2,000 lb. horse was quick to jump on top of your foot the day you wore flip flops to the barn) prevents you from chasing them with a whip while lunging.
When you reluctantly decide to furnish Thelwell’s rider with a crop, this would also be the time to teach them about emergency dismounts.
Delete all Ads when you find a horse for your niece in order to avoid the temptation of pursuing the “Buggy Horse” that got away.
This item really fits into a “pet peeve” Blog…BUT…never leave a halter hanging from one cross tie. Your day is only going to get worse when that horse you forgot to lunge first ends up getting caught in the halter as he / she proudly prances into the barn to greet fellow stable mates.
If you and horse(s) reside in the swamps of South Georgia, consider buying stock in bug repellent, fly masks and fly sheets. This will be your largest investment thru the years. Yes, the fashion of sporting dryer sheets from the linings of your clothes and helmet is acceptable in this region year round, as well, and is not susceptible to annual margins. We offer you a bug for every season, including sand gnats, deer flies, horse flies and mosquitos…how generous is that?
It is much easier to find a way to work WITH horse’s idiosyncrasies instead of AGAINST them. You are only going to wear yourself out mentally and physically as you fight a losing battle. As I tell my daughters, think outside of the box to find a solution. For an example, the customary practice is to do your trot work before canter work but you may have one horse that loosens up much better to canter a few laps before transitioning back down to trot work.
While boasting is not in my introverted nature or repertoire, I WILL claim fame to becoming a DIY Master. While survival in desperate times with desperate measures paved the way for some inventive solutions, duct tape has been my go to for just about anything. It can buy more time by taping around the toes of worn out boots, securing bandages, taping the vulnerable hoof that lost a shoe until the farrier arrives, taping a diaper over a poulticed hoof, taping maxi pads around fetlocks that suddenly erupted with pastern dermatitis, taping maxi pads inside helmet on the dry cold days when your head shrinks in size from lack of sweat and “Big Hair” humidity, etc… Duct tape now comes in a vast array of colors and designs. If you are not a matchy, matchy person…basic gray will suffice in most cases. The simpler, more basic, more neutral…the better for my tastes…same goes for vetrap. BTW, Did you know that they now make VETRAP in cheetah print, zebra print, camouflage print, etc…? While fun, they simply do not scream basic enough for me. The one exception may be if they created a glow in the dark vetrap for those 5AM mornings when you are searching for that one horse in the field that finds it amusing to watch you play Helen Keller’s version of hide and seek. Actually, I am surprised they have not come up with that idea, as of yet…!
Always remember seat before hands when asking for a downward transition. Voice commands will come in handy when practicing this lesson from Basic Horsemanship 101.
Leg before hands when asking for a lateral frame…also, covered in Basic Horsemanship 101. FOOTNOTE: see following advantages of #37 & #38, below.
Comply with above basics, as blisters heal from the new reins you purchased several weeks prior to the “war zone” day (this may also be a good time to buy that new pair of gloves, since they are now sporting a hole in the tenth finger). Additionally, you can save your arms for that critical moment when you realize that perhaps you should have lunged the horse first.
Face it, the horse is going to roll after a bath with or without your preventative efforts. Save yourself the aggravation of developing a fool-proof plan…ONE does not exist…if it did, I would have a patent by now!
Do not take in any prisoners…human and horse(s) alike. If you are not prepared for the responsibility, long hours and hard work, do yourself AND them a favor and forgo the lifestyle that is tailored to searching for that elusive “me time”. Otherwise, with practice and endurance, Welcome to GFPA…GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT ANONYMOUS! Our Motto is: Be Broke, Be Safe and Be Happy!
My biggest fear: If I should leave this realm unexpectedly, that my survivors will sell horses for said purchase price instead of actual purchase price. Worse, that they should give them to the first unsuspecting person they meet on the street, only to relinquish themselves of the unnecessary burdens. Just because someone exclaims they always wanted a horse, does not mean they are bonafide caretakers. At least make sure they are not on America’s Most Wanted list. After all, a lot of time, effort, money, blood and sweat have gone into the care of these mischievous and unpredictable companions.