The Dog Days of Summer

If you have been following my blogs, then you will know that Fall is my favorite season of the year.  Season ratings for me are as follows:

(1)  SUMMER (zero stars) – you keep anticipating the daily forecast to announce that “Judgment Day is upon us…Today we die from inferno”

(2) Fall (4 stars) – Although we don’t have the changing foliage color like neighbors north of us,  you actually realize there is an outside world (since you lock yourself indoors 10  months of the year)

(3) Winter (1 star) – My comfort zone is 60 to 80 degrees…so not my favorite season either BUT I will take south GA winters over summers any day!

(4) Spring ( 2-3 stars) – There is no such thing as Spring in South Georgia. The only indication of Spring are bugs. We can go from 50 degrees to 90 degrees in a matter of minutes.

For the purpose of this blog, I will focus on the reasons why I dread summer so much:

• You step outside to pick up the morning newspaper and you feel like you need to take another shower
• Your face and hair go back to factory settings after the 4 paces between the front door and your vehicle
• No worries, matters will only get worse after your drive to work because the AC does not work in your vehicle
• Imagine the woodland fairies put Freon in your vehicle overnight by turning the AC dial to the ON position…ugh, no such luck 😦
• Decide that rolling the windows down would be a lot more tolerable than the hot air blowing from your vents
• Rehearse the story “a bird flew thru my car window and got tangled in my updo” to fellow employees at work for the 3rd week running.
• Remember you have a dentist appointment during the lunch hour. Remove outer layers you assembled at the office to keep warm in the polar vortex. After thawing out for 80 seconds, roll down the windows while deciding the additional hot air from the AC vents has to be cooler than the outside air.
• Be sure to remove visible sweat with a napkin from take-out bag left in your vehicle
• When signing in, receptionist innocently asks if they are crowded at the gym
• After paying receptionist, calculate in your mind if you will have to wait until next pay check to have vehicle AC looked at
• Repeat above scenario for returning to work
• Remove foggy sunglasses when you leave the polar vortex after work
• Repeat wiping humidity from sunglasses to no avail
• Repeat scenario for leaving work…only, this time you strip down to under garments (after all, you could have just left the beach)
• Try to bear the salty sweat burning your eyes long enough to see the car in front of you and get home safely
• Peel your legs away from the vehicle seats upon arrival home
• Use a towel to mop up sweat on body and vehicle seat
• Remove makeup before going to do barn chores unless you want to have your peers thinking the time machine landed in Halloween Town
• Modify feeding/riding schedule…feed first and wait until your flip flops stop melting into the pavement before riding
• Do not ride between 10AM and 6PM
• Ride older horses and/or horses with anhydrosis and heaves as late into the evening as possible (or before the sun comes up on the weekends)
• Vow you will be a stow-away next May when your Nantucket friend departs for her summer home
•  Have a dry saddle pad for every horse you ride and take home to wash that evening just to start over the next day
• Seize the opportunity to ride in rain showers. You may even stay drier than drowning in a sea of sweat and the horse will appreciate the opportunity to work without being eaten alive by bugs.
• Plan to wash hair every day to avoid the hat mold look (more as necessary)
• Skip the bug spray unless water resistant, as your sweat will just wash away any competent chemicals. If you succeed in finding such a product, plan for the spray to insulate your body heat by another 10 degrees
• If not already in use by Spring, pull out all fly masks, sheets and boots
• Restock on your Equiderma products for a “rash” of equine skin issues
• Quickest relief for horses with anhydrosis is to run water over their poll. Tactic is good for rider encroaching heat exhaustion, as well.
• Sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen! If you are allergic to parabens, as I am, read the ingredient list first! Reactions can be as bad – if not worse – than sunburn
• Upon returning home after barn chores/riding, deliriously ask co-inhabitants “WHO PUT THE GRASS IN THE YARD”? When looks of alarm are returned, realize you should have left the water running over your head a wee bit longer…
• One co-inhabitant amusingly replies…”we wouldn’t know anything about grass since we cannot see through the windows due to the condensation”.  ME thinking:  “Did my child learn a new word at school today…nah…nah…can’t be…I am still delirious from the heat”!
• It is Risky Business leaving children at home alone when school is out. You may encounter an afternoon like I did several years back: Arrive home after work to find there is smoke coming from the microwave AND the oven! You tread your way thru the smoke and the stench of burnt popcorn and pizza to extinguish any flames… all while screaming out to the co-inhabitants that (unbeknownst to you at that very moment) went running to the neighbor’s house to seek asylum from the wrath that is about to be unleashed.
• If found in a similar situation, hastily remove all feathered friends from the house first due to their sensitive respiratory systems. This would include doves, finches, ducklings (in retired play pen) and chicken hatchlings from bathtub. Turn off AC; open every door and window in the house. As $500 (+) worth of cool air is cooling off your back yard, check on remaining pets. Some moments later, co-inhabitants run inside with one of the ducklings limp in their hands, claiming he must have drowned in the wading pool where we placed them once out of the house. Since we are required to complete a CPR class every year at work, I set out to see how much I retained from the previous year. Much to my dismay…I did it!!! MIRACLE gradually took on some form of life again…and still remains on the homestead today.
• Next steps…grab a beer…account for every pet and human one more time…grab another beer…count your blessings…bring all pets back inside before dark…close doors and windows…turn AC back on…count down the time it takes cool the house  again…enroll co-inhabitants in summer camp starting the very next morning…as a means to learn from the experience, provide co-inhabitants with fly swatters to kill the mosquitos that came into the house while airing out… provide incentive by taking the mosquito nets above their beds and install around your bed…as this element of surprise sinks in and gets their attention, grab remaining few beers…retreat to your room as you holler back “don’t let the mosquitos bite you tonight”…say your prayers…fall asleep to the sweet melody of slapping swatters as you start to fade under the security/comfort of your co-inhabitants’ handy décor.
• Realize you need to get your life in order…it is too hot to go to Hell
• Spray outside chairs with non-stick cooking oil before sitting
• Jock itch ointment works wonders for heat rashes on chest. Keep clean with ACV and apply ointment daily during summer months.
• Offer a free sauna to the annual summer rain dance winner. Kit comes complete with directions for operating hose and sprinkler = steam in south GA summers.
• Skip the sundress unless the farmer’s tan is back in style
• An alternative is to stick your lower body portion thru the doggy door for a tan, while keeping your top body portion in the cool indoors…if determined to even out the farmer’s tan to sport the sun dress trend
• Any hair style is acceptable as long as it is out of your face and off of your neck. If you can tolerate the extra warmth, a hat is also acceptable. HINT: a riding helmet is always acceptable when riding
• If summer is exceptionally hot or area has succumbed to draught, be prepared for a war on fleas
• Call mechanic to schedule work on AC
• Learn mechanic is on his annual vacation in Maine
• Purchase DIY Freon at Ace Hardware
• Watch youtube video on how to administer Freon yourself
• Wait until engine is cool before sticking your head under the hood…you could experience charring, otherwise.
• Task successfully accomplished…only to discover AC is still blowing hot air
• Convince yourself you did not spend $30 in vain, as gauge did confirm Freon was low.
• Find relief in the fact that you replaced compressor last summer so it should still be under warranty
• Do not make plans to leave your house b/w 10 AM and 6 PM until your mechanic returns from vacation.
• Word of caution: if your vehicle AC is working, schedule a service on your home unit because Murphy’s Law will make certain one goes out when it reaches 100/100 outside. If the inevitable does occur, you can retreat to the working asset.
• You can service the portable unit in the rabbit’s domain yourself. If not familiar with this process, watch a youtube video.
• Communicate to your yard service that they can skip the weed killer this season, mother nature (heat) has taken care of the problem.
• Upon rumor that mechanic has returned home, use any means necessary to convince him that you have first priority for service…that is if he values his time left in this realm. As you enter the cool waiting room, exclaim…’WOW, SOMEONE PUT GRASS IN YOUR YARD, TOO”!