Pandora’s Box

For someone like myself that grew up at the barn riding, grooming and bathing horses, mucking stalls, etc…I have never considered myself to be “nice-nasty”, as my mother would would often say. While I am not even certain that is a legitimate term, I am certain that there are some things I have never done and never will do that far exceed the definition of obliquely gross and and nausea that arises from the depths of my stomach:

I have never picked my nose dispelled of contents via oral consumption. Now my parents may argue that point when I was a toddler BUT from the time I developed any human conscience, I cannot recall doing such a despicable thing.
I have never habitually chewed or bitten my nails. Thank goodness, this has never been a consideration since a day in my life may include mucking stalls, gardening, pulling weeds, cleaning rabbit/chicken/duck enclosures, cleaning litter boxes. Otherwise, I would have been a regular client of CDC
I have never administered a shot to an animal. I certainly went thru a lot of oranges thru the years practicing but the mere thought of subjecting my loved ones to a piercing needle is simply not in my DNA and I have come to accept that fact.
Please do not confuse above inability with my ability to stop a moving human target with my darts should you decide to take the last beer in the fridge without a replacement.
While I grew up in a household with the belief that you were required to taste all foods at least once, I became the historical mastermind in the family who never tasted lamb, liver or gizzards. The latter two simply do not have a pleasant ring, while I feel the urge to vomit as soon as I walk into a kitchen where lamb was prepared. The stench has to be the most disturbing of any aroma that my nose has ever encountered. NOTE TO THOSE WHO MAY EXTEND A DINNER INVITATION: Take heed if you do not wish to encounter the most talented projectile ever witnessed.
While we are on the subject of food, I do not eat meat off the bone. If I have accepted a dinner invitation to your home and you have prepared fish, chicken, beef or pork with bone still in tact, be prepared to cut the meat away from the bone as my momma used to do for me. I simply do not need the reminder that my dinner used to be a a living critter.
Please be kind enough to rinse your plates and glassware when through eating. You do not need to place in the dishwasher but may stack on opposite side of the sink. I will only rearrange the dishwasher to my liking anyway before turning the dishwasher on.
If you should try and help by loading dishes into the washer, please insert all steak knives into the basket with the blade in the downright position. No explanation necessary…it does not take a brain surgeon to understand my firm request on this matter.
Next time I find a utensil in the sink with peanut butter, nutella, or any other edible adhesive attached to it, my Voodoo doll collection will come to life.
If you feel that you must cough or sneeze in my presence, please remain on the outskirts of my bubble and cover your mouth. The best etiquette in this instance would be to wash your hands afterwards. Otherwise, you will find yourself in a WANTED ad on the Fendig Daily as you cross the causeway the next morning.
If you are sick, please stay at home! If you insist on playing the martyr role by coming into the office, you had better stay outside of the threshold of my office if you do not wish to witness my flying monkeys.
Do not feel the need to invade my bubble to speak with me. Additionally, do not offer any uninvited hugs or touching unless you are my child, spouse or pet…you may just find yourself waking up in ER. This causes me sensory overload and goes hand in hand with unnecessary noise or speech, the smell of lamb cooking, the taste of tuna when pregnant, the sight of thongs, etc…
Flushing the toilet after use is a given…BUT…please dry the seat off if you feel it necessary to use while wet from shower, pool, beach, etc…
Please do not feel the need to share with me posts of abused or neglected animals. I am fully aware that there are evil doers in the world without the daily reminder and inflation of my GERD.
Do not – UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES – reach over to take food off of my plate. I can eat enough food to feed an army in one seating…so if you plan to keep your hand adjoined to your wrist, I would suggest not trying this maneuver.
If I should agree to join you for dinner, movie, church, etc…please turn your phone off. I will not give up my valuable time to prepare for an outing just to be distracted by your rudeness. Otherwise, by the time you finish texting, or talking on the phone, you will look up to find yourself on a solo mission.
Please refrain from talking with food in your mouth or chewing with your mouth open while in my presence. If you find my corrections in this regard offensive, you can just mosey on back to the cow pasture from whence you came from.
If you are a passenger in my vehicle, you may want to think twice about throwing trash out the window. You will suddenly find yourself on the side of the road retrieving your stupidity…or hitching a ride. If you must rid yourself of your trash before we reach destination, you may do so by using the left over drive thru bags in the back of the vehicle.
Do NOT reach over to adjust the air or radio controls while I am driving. You are lucky to have your own personal chauffeur but I will be elated to have you hail for a taxi next time.
If you feel that you must drive slower than the speed limit, could you at least play tourist before 8AM and after 6PM during the work week. There are some folks that still have to work for a living and juggle getting children to school.
Do not pass me on the road and then slow down. Be forewarned, you have just invaded my comfort zone and you will experience the worst case of road rage you have ever heard or read about.
While I am not above doing work of any magnitude, do not expect to me to clean a sink where clumps of toothpaste and spit are left to for someone else to clean up. I drove this one home when I walked into the bathroom one day to find a co-inhabitant chiseling away at the scum that had harden inside the sink over the course of time
I will not succumb to hacking from the depths of my gut and spitting contents out wherever it is convenient…AND…please have the courtesy to refrain from doing this in my presence! Otherwise, if you are within arm’s reach I will be sure to give you something to gag about while placing you in a choke hold.
I will not do anything that requires formal attire or makeup on the weekends or off-time from work. Note: if my presence is required, please refrain from introducing me to your peers as your homeless friend. It will not phase me in the least BUT I may just find it entertaining to return the favor by rinsing my paper plate and placing it in my hobo bag in front of your guests before leaving. The same applies to weekend weddings and funerals. If an event requires a fake smile, count me out.
I will not commit anyone to anything without their approval first…AND… I expect the same in return or you may just witness the limitations of my medication.
If I feel the urge to visit you or your country/state/town of residence, I will make every attempt to provide a two week notice…1 week minimum. Please extend the same courtesy. Otherwise, if I have already spoken to 2 people the day you appear on my doorstep without notice, you will have no other choice but to reschedule for the following day. If you should be my first human contact the next day, you will be allowed a maximum of 45 mins before I summons for the chinchilla to scurry out from beneath the sofa. If you are my second human contact, you have 30 minutes maximum before the ferret starts chasing the chinchilla. If you are the third person to walk up and knock on my door, I usually find that returning a knock from inside and refraining from opening the door will drive the point home that you do not wish to be disturbed. If you still have the illusion that I am a nice person, let me point out that no visitors are allowed before coffee consumption, period. This is very important, as my caffeine intake (or lack of) can work towards your advantage OR disadvantage.
while I believe in living life to the fullest, seizing opportunities while you can, experiencing wonders of the world, building memories, having fun, etc…I will never have the desire to go bunge jumping. Why tempt fate when my extended lifetime warranty is about to expire and Life Alert is right around the corner.
I will never wear a thong….nope, nope, nope…won’t do it! Whoever thinks there is pleasure and comfort in having an aggravating taught string up their butt has to be sadistic. Additionally, I cannot understand the delusional thinking that it is somehow attractive and sexy to show off cheeks that are more often than not, rippled with cellulite. I would rather become a strange smell in the attic than perform this mainstream ritual.
I will never own a goat. While one may be surprised to hear this considering all of the other animal species that reside on the homestead, I am vastly aware of what nuisances goats can be. I can simply enjoy photos of baby goats and reply with an ever so quick awe when observing one from a distance…but there is a reason these devilish creatures are adorned with horns. I am anal when it comes to my lawn and gardens; I can keep hedges & shrubs trimmed back on my own accord; there is not a fence tall enough to contain even the least of mischievous goats; any vehicle in the vicinity becomes their playground; their beards harbor everything from nasty to the nastiest. The little voices in my head don’t stand a chance with this one…lol!
This next one has been done…BUT…now that I am older and wiser, I will not swim in water where I cannot see what is swimming around my feet and legs. I would rather sleep in Myrtle’s den with her family, siblings and relatives. For those of you who do not know who Myrtle is, she is the corn snake that has lived with us on the homestead over the years. She comes out and visits whenever I am in the yard or gardens working…she is most friendly, amusing and tags along with childlike curiosity.
If you are a resident in my house, please remove all clothes from washer/dryer before leaving the house. Otherwise, I will gladly remove yours to floor in the corner of the laundry hall so that I can tend to my laundry. If I do not have a load to wash, at least remove your clothes before mold and mildew sets in.
If you are a neighboring co-worker, please have IT fix the annoying sounds that come from your computer each time you strike a key. This is especially annoying when you decide to start browsing for your next vacation deal every Friday afternoon.
While I do hope that my daughters one day have children of their own so that they may experience the same love, devotion and blessings I have with each of them, my job is done. I look forward to being a doting grandmother…BUT…I will not offer my services for raising or babysitting them. By then, I will be retired and traveling with my gypsy caravan with no forwarding address.