53 lessons I have learned in 53 years of life – Part II

You have come to realize that your parents only brought you and your brother into this world as their complimentary slaves. While every other child was sleeping in on Saturday mornings and/or watching cartoons, the child slavery at our house began no later than 8:30 AM. We would be assigned chore lists during family breakfast at 8AM.
Speaking of Breakfast, you were expected to have your room clean, beds made, dressed, teeth & hair brushed and ready for the Blessing by 8AM sharp. Either you were sitting at the table OR you were on the menu…your choice. Exemption status could exclude my Grandmother and Great Grandmother from this less than exciting ritual. It was then I would begin to wonder how old I had to be before I could, too, be exempt from this tortuous practice.
When St. Williams eliminated the Sunday evening masses, we were then required to repeat above exercise in order to be at church no later than 7:55 Sunday morning. More often than not, we would eat breakfast out after church. You were not allowed to yawn, slouch or doze off during either event. At this point in life, you would give anything to go back in time and take those naps you refused to take when you were a toddler.
Monday thru Friday, you had to walk or ride your bike 1/2 mile to the bus stop by 7:10 AM regardless of the weather conditions. You could divide and conquer when your Grandmother was up early so you could convince her that endearing Grandmothers are supposed to do compassionate things for their grandchildren such as preserve you from the wrath of frostbite or thunderstorms, by driving you to the Bus Stop.
After school, afternoon sports, homework, etc…everyone was expected to have dinner together. It was during these referendums that you would learn a few life lessons:
- First, let me say you do not get to choose your family members
- There is always at least one nut in the family tree
- As long as you had food in your mouth, you could avoid unnecessary conversation
- My Great Grandmother disliked green peas as much, if not more, than my Dad’s hatred for string beans
- We could not solve all of the world problems at the dinner table but we could certainly debate over 6 varying opinions in how to do so.
- You were not dismissed from the table until everyone was finished eating
- Learn that your father would certainly parish in a house fire, as slow as he eats
- This is where I would learn karate techniques to keep intruders hands out of my plate
- Finally, you can always fall back on the excuse that you have more homework to finish when your father asks for seconds. NOTE: use extreme caution with this one in case he should ask if you need any help.
Do not ever go into business partnerships with family or friends. This combination almost certainly never has a good ending. While I have never tested these waters with family, this prior advice proved to be wisdom at it’s best, especially considering the involved friend was an adult in a role model capacity. When your Dad learns of the news, he moves (at his famous authoritative, businesslike snail’s pace that radiates intimidation to even the coldest of hearts) to try and dissipate some of my disappointment the best way he knew how. Two hours later, you realize that your Dad actually knew what he was talking about when he doled out that advice earlier. More amazing, he was able to accomplish this fatherly duty of providing sympathy and understanding without coming right out and saying “I told you this venture was not a good idea from the very beginning”. Maybe parents aren’t stupid, after all.
Curfews were always set for 11:30. According to my parents, there was nothing available after that except attractive nuisances and hospitals.
Do not plan your nights of sneaking out during your mother’s menopausal phase. In time, you have developed the most fail proof plan. You even learn to take the Dog with you to alleviate any possibility of the dog barking when you sneak back in. All goes well for a while…your groupie even looks forward to seeing “Bayard” each night and eventually he becomes your group Mascot.
Then Doomsday hits one morning at 7AM…a mere 45 minutes after sneaking back into the house (did I mention my brother would also partake in these mischievous escapades only to go his own way once he was out of the house)? I could have been years ahead of my time in writing the following script for Ryan’s Murphy AHS Apocalypse (see next bullet):
Unbeknownst to you or the sibling that has been following suit of your mischievous ways, your mother has had restless nights and would sometimes retreat to the outside air on the deck during her hot flashes to find relief. My dad always kept the thermostat at government standards; therefore, 78 degrees in the summer was hotter than a hooker’s door knob on payday. It would be during one of these outings on the deck that my mother would notice my curtains were open and blackout blinds were up. Knowing that I could never sleep without the shades down and curtains closed due to the bright security light on the north side of the house, she set out to investigate. Promptly at 7AM the next morning, after my Dad left for work, my mother came into my bedroom; opened the curtains and flipped the shades up (that were both wide open one hour prior) and said in the firmest voice ever witnessed from my mother ” in the Living Room, NOW! At first, I thought I was dreaming since I had only been asleep for 30 minutes. A repeat scenario from my mother would prove that I was indeed in the here and now! When I got to the Living Room, my brother was already seated in a chair nervously biting his finger nails. With the apparent evidence my mother had of our wrongdoing, we felt it best to listen and not speak…after all, you do not mess with a woman going thru the change, especially when you have to endure oven degree temps inside! We were grounded for the rest of that summer. The only silver lining is that she said she would not tell our father if we proved to learn our lesson and walk the straight and narrow with a dash of angelic disposition for the remainder of the summer. She concluded by saying “what your father does not know will not hurt ANY of us in this case”. We totally got it…and we set out to have the most well behaved summer we ever had…I believe my Dad may have even become suspicious at one point!
This is when I would discover art, as art is the only way to run away without leaving home. I would draw, paint, write, design, change my room around, discover that you can pull off wearing red and pink together when you designed outfits for the upcoming school year (this re-purpose plan applied to last year’s clothes but assembled differently). You are driven between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide.
Ok, so I now have the ambition of an artist…BUT…I needed to learn how to apply the mindset of an engineer. As far as I was concerned at this juncture, ART had no rules…lol!
After High School, you decide to take a break from school and accept an offer to work with your riding trainer in Florida. Three years and one knee surgery later, you decide that if you never have to lunge a horse at 4AM again, you will be all the happier for it.
Return home, marriage, 2 children and a 30 (+) year career later, I can honestly say that the first 50 years of my life were the most introspective years. These are the best and worst years as you discover who you are and finding contentment with your discovery, seeking independence while suppressing your inner wild child and maintaining responsibility, finding balance within a hectic pace, having days when even the devil would ask what you are doing, fighting like the 3rd monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark, trying to stand up in a hammock, embarking on undocumented OSHA violations, learning how to turn down the loud music in the vehicle from the previous night before cranking the vehicle pre-dawn the next AM.

Leisure sporting away from

horses after return home
Although some of the above references are simply metaphors, there is an inner peace the comes with your 51st Birthday. Aside from the downward spiral of physical handicaps, you realize you become even happier with each passing year, you can enter a grocery store and contain the wild beast in you when you discover they have completely changed the layout of the store, you can forgive and forget although you are not Jesus and you do not have Alzheimer (…yet, anyway), realize that your complexities are not a community project, successfully fill up an empty museum, etc…
You learn that it takes 4 years of High School to build a 2 week wardrobe after attending parochial school for 8 years.
You learn that your horse trailer is good for moving and storing thrift finds when you run out of room in the garage.
Always splurge on Charmin and Bounty. While I am a thrift master, I never skimp on these paper products.
Learn that friends are not exempt from discipline if they are involved in wrong doing while visiting the Hartridge household.
Hosting baby shower for BFF, one of my partners in crime and life lessons
Learn that your children will have nicer vehicles than you. The silver lining is that while you continue to skirt by with 250,000 (+) miles on your vehicle, at least you can charge your phone without the vehicle running.
Learn that your children will have nicer cell phones than you. Additionally, you will need to seek out advice from your children in how to use your outdated flip phone…as well as other electronics.
Learn that your children are accomplished masters at taking selfies, while you are a pro at dodging cameras…and Kathy when she continues to update employee photos for the break room at work.
Learn that there will never be a peaceful morning when you try to get your offspring to the Bus Stop on time
When your offspring complain about the way you decorate the house, inform them that when they have a job and can survive on their own, they are free to choose how they decorate their dwelling any way they see fit…AND…that it is never too soon to graduate towards that day!
Take pictures during your “Nesting” days of cleaning, as you will not see your house that clean again until offspring move out.
After child-proofing your home to prepare for offspring, wonder how they are still getting in, after moving out
Embarrassing my offspring is apparently another service I offer
A satisfied customer is the best business of all
Customers will never love a company until the employees first love the company.
Live by Henry Ford’s motto, “Chop your own wood and it will warm you twice”
When you live long enough to observe the four phases of Santa Claus: (1) You believe in SC (2) You no longer believe in SC (3) You are SC (4) You look like SC
Do not let your Dad catch you standing with the refrigerator door open while you contemplate what you want to snack on unless you wish to find yourself writing 500 times “I will not stand with the refrigerator door open because——“. To an engineer, this could prove more deadly that adjusting the thermostat.
Do not injure yourself on the ski slopes on your first day of vacation, especially when you are slated to return home from Vermont on a train, for cultural purposes. Otherwise, an injured knee + confinements of train seats = one miserable human being.
Colorado skiing
Do not be tempted to drink the adult beverages or paint adults’ faces while they are sleeping. Your 4 family outing to the Keys will otherwise go down in history as the worst experience endured, to date.
Become somewhat skeptical when you and your brother take an “unadulterated” trip to NYC by yourselves, to find that when you check into the Gorham hotel, your room is # 13…on the 13th floor…with 13 locks on the inside of the door.
When your mother becomes a certified RN prior to a scheduled trip to Jamaica, filling you full or orange juice, vitamins, supplements, etc… to keep you from getting sick while there. Inevitably, you and your brother succumb to illness soon after arriving in Jamaica due to intoxication of healthy food & beverages
Learn that practitioner offices in Jamaica are not as sterile as those at home, when the doctor uses a tongue depressor covered in dust.
Learn that you will become deprived of sleep during a 4 family vacation to Hawaii due to the time change to and from
Learn that Hawaii has a McDonalds
Learn that the elder generation’s tradition of “raising the table” is not for the faint of heart
Learn that despite the fact that the homestead that you grew up on is the oldest home still in existence on the island, there will invariably be ghost stories to be told.
There will be relatives who refuse to stay overnight on the familial homestead due to prior paranormal experience(s) while there.
Learn that your horse can even dismantle a pre-olympian while training with them at their Florida headquarters for the winter