The Relentless Carousel

My youngest left several days ago to go visit a friend in Boston. Easy enough for an 18 year old, right? Despite the challenges I have endured thru the years with my two daughters, the worry NEVER ceases. Now, I know she is an adult and is very capable of making her own decisions and acting responsibly. But the deepest fear I had was that she would not FULLY utilize the “round trip” aspect of the ticket.

Fast forward thru her success of getting herself to the airport, flying by herself for the first time, touching base with me every day, enjoying the sites of Boston…I was relieved to get her phone call before she boarded the plane to head home. I don’t know which emotion I felt first: gratitude to her friend for taking care of her while so far away or the fact that my baby is returning home. Although, this has been quite an “adulting” experience for her, I will admit there were plenty of days when I would have boarded her and her sister on a plane with a one way ticket!

As parents, we have read numerous quotes, memes and jokes about parenthood but since every parent and child is unique, I have listed some accounts of the last 21 years as a mother. This, too, shall possibly be a series since it would be impossible to list everything in one blog. Again, there is no order to how the following thoughts will come to mind as I begin to ponder the cliche’ YOUR LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AFTER HAVING CHILDREN:

• Learn to outline the specific details of maxi pads to your husband after your water breaks and you send him in the store on the way to the hospital…only to be presented with tampons
• Learn to take your mother’s delivery forecast seriously after you just ate enough dinner for everyone at the table…and started to go into labor later that night
• After bringing your children into the world and your OBGYN asks you on your annual visits later- do you mind if an intern observes during your exam? Your response: “you can invite the entire Augusta University graduating class in for all I care”. After all, how many eyes and hands were on you during both of your pregnancies and deliveries. Now, this would never have been the scenario prior to child bearing years!
• Speaking of the above, you will only make time to shave your legs after having children for your annual OBGYN visit. The next occasion would be for the gal that does your pedicure…but that went out the window with the arrival of the second child.
• When you used to seek out the one restroom no one used at your place of work after a lunch that aggravated your IBS…Now you, go for the closest and most convenient after having toddlers that would follow you into the bathroom for 12 years. Once they reach 13, you will be lucky to get into the bathroom after they lock the door to take a 45 minute shower.
• Learn to anticipate tiny humans’ nap time with a nap of your own. Beware: this is only good for first child. When second child naps, the older one will expect you to play tea party or cafe waitress (where you recite your order to the waitress)
• Learn that days spent at the pool will inherently mean wet toddlers dripping over you to fetch a towel or saying “watch me” the entire time.
• After having children, I no longer understand the cliche’ “sleep like a baby”…clearly, whoever came up with that never had a baby!
• When I would get nervous when a creature was stirring in the house…to…nothing scares me now, I have kids!
• When taking away a privilege meant punishment for you
• When eyeliner in the days gone by became dark circles under your eyes
• When professional salon appointments became pony tails adorned with spit up
• When luxurious bath spas became an 80 second shower.
• When a fellow mother friend asks if your two daughters get along…you reply “as long as they are not near one another or breathing the same air”
• When the application asks, have you had prior experience as a Hostage Negotiator? yes/no________________if yes, explain________________________________________________. Say “yes…I raised two children”.
• When your therapist asks how you are doing with your OCD challenges…”fine, my kids took care of that problem. I used to scrub baseboards every day. Now, the kids eat leftover food off of the floor”.
• Having children will allow you to discover strengths you did not know you had and fears that you did not know existed.

  

• As one of my friends once told me, your prayer life will expand by leaps and bounds after having children.
• My personal description of motherhood:  “expect any and all side effects known to mankind”
• Instead of the pricey incense in the Living Room, keep a bottle of febreeze by the door to spray your kids down with as they come and out of the house. Keep one in the car for the mornings you are pushing them out the door before they are late for school. One spritz should keep DFACS away.
• Learn what real fear is when: 1. Toddler rushes at you without notice to put sunglasses on your face 2. Wake up to find your toddler standing at the side of your bed
• When your food looks better to toddler(s) than what is on their plate and the hands start reaching over to sample your food…you quickly reply “watch out, it’s really hot and spicy”. This will help to maintain your rational of “balanced meals”
• Learning what it is like to have a toddler sneak into your bed in the middle of the night and you suddenly awaken to a kick in the spleen…or worse in the face.

  

• Learn how to keep the seasons backwards from reality when your toddlers insist on wearing winter clothing in the summer and summer clothing in the winter
• Learn that when your toddler(s) sneak into your bed, they will come loaded down with their pillows, blankets and favorite stuffed animals, as if they are moving in permanently.
• Learn the haunting sounds of motherhood: 1. thud 2. box of legos being dumped on the floor 3. honey, we are out of coffee 4. the mysterious sound when you are in the shower. 5. Silence
• Learn that growing up with your parents was like boot camp but when you observe your parents with your children you would swear you were watching Mary Poppins.
• Motherhood will ensure that you experience stretchmarks, premature aging,  sleep deprivation, weight gain from fast food, back pain from carrying sleeping baby in car seat to/from errands…ever so awkwardly, so as not awaken the devil, development of stress related issues that may be subdued with self medication or adult beverages…
• If you should decide to have more than one child, the universe will make certain they will be as different as day and night. That way, you will never know the perfection of motherhood

  

  

• The oldest child will be the most expensive since you will, more than likely, start with fewer hand-me-downs
• Learn to enlist your children in chores. For an example, have them put their freshly laundered clothes away… only to find them scattered about their room the next day and experiencing the agony of trying to remember the clean from dirty clothes.
• Learn that you will probably fail your Lab degree trying to figure out the science projects growing in their rooms (days old clump of milk in cups; moldy ice cream; you are not even going to try and guess what that is in the corner of the room, spoon with dried peanut butter, 1/2 eaten brown apple, once grapes turned prunes, etc…
• Then learn how to keep a straight face when the same toddlers run to your room claiming there is a bug in their room (as a result of the science projects). You tell them they cannot stay in your room because you don’t want the bugs to follow them into your bed.
• Wake up the next morning to find your toddlers asleep on the sofas (with empty pop sickle sticks on the floor). Retrieve your plastic spiders used at Halloween and place them on and around your toddlers. Rest assured, you will find garbage bags containing all science projects outside of their bedroom door the next evening. Double check to make sure silverware did not end up in garbage bags before removing outside
• Learn that you will spend toddler years trying to get them to go to their room and their teenage years trying to get them to come out of their room
• You will be the dumbest person alive for at least 7 years…perhaps longer
• Learn children will use minimum 2-3 clean towels per 45 minute shower. Hide all of the clean towels and learn how to dole out one clean towel per child per day
• Learn about the sick nauseous feeling you get when your toddler sustains a significant injury/illness. Time to call your mother over to assist with medical attention, while you hold your toddler in a tight bear hug to console their pain. You are not certain who is more frightened at this point…you or the toddler…but your mother can make anything better
• Do NOT predict the future of your child rearing years; otherwise, Murphy’s Law will make certain the outcome(s) are opposite of your expectations.
• Learn that your toddlers will wear you out with stories and questions but your teenagers will only speak to you when the cows come home…perhaps longer since you don’t have any cows. 🙂