Before I begin, let me first say that I realize I have chosen a controversial subject as my next journal entry…a big risk, I know…but writing is about taking risks. The subject is Church – Religion vs Spirituality. I heard a joke during our recent cumputer upgrades that I would like to share with my readers. One Sunday a minister began his sermon by stating:
“Apple dates back to the days of Adam of Eve. It took only 1byt…and everything crashed”.
This is where the title of this journel entry was birthed. I wanted to reference this joke to remind my readers that although this is my personal take on Church, this is not meant to be taken too seriously or to offend any of the devout and devoted church goers in any way. As an attempt to keep the subject matter light, I entered some random comic relief to remind us not to take life so seriously.
I was born into a Catholic family, baptized Catholic, went to a Catholic perochial school, received first communion as a Catholic, had a Catholic wedding, both tiny humans were baptized Catholic, and received their first communion as Catholic.
However, at some point after first communion for the tiny humans, I started going to a non denominational church. Why, you ask? First and foremost, the Catholic Church I attended did not have a nursery or child care at the time. Therefore my worship time was spent keeping 2 tiny humans from decorating elder lady’s beehive in front of us with their cheerio snacks for one hour, while I got absolutely nothing from the service. Now, while these are formidable years in teaching tiny humans manners and etiquette, I was missing out on my weekly feast…or had it become famine?
A friend told me about a church that began in worshipers’ homes and had grown to a nearby building…and they had child care during services. So I set out to give it a try the following Sunday, despit my guilt of betraying the Catholic ritual I had dedicated my entire life to, up to that point.
When I checked the tiny humans into child care, I was given a code that would appear on screen if any issues developed during the service. We were not even 10 minutes into the service when…you got it…the code I was given moments before appeared on screen. Well, that first attempt did not go according to plan! However, not one to give up so easily, I made another attempt the following Sunday. My determination served us well, as we were able to get thru the entire mass without the prior embarassing distraction.
Fast forward thru the tiny human’s formidable years, we continued going to the same church while expanding with their growth of time with 3 moves to larger buildings. Eventually, the tiny humans would migrate into the congregation and we looked forward to attending weekly service and the traditional post lunch. I would feel like I had 1 foot in the grave by the time we settled on a place to eat after church…but that is another story for another day.
There would be times I would question my loyalty to the Catholic Church and confronting the inevitable emotions, as a result. Had I abandoned my birth-right religion and/or faith? Was I neglecting my duties and responsibilities as a Catholic?
My parents, needless to say, were not thrilled with my initial decision but understood my reasoning and supported my cause as long as I continued going to church. My brother, by this time, faced the same dilema with the lack of child care at the Catholic Church and moved on to find a church that catered to his family’s needs.
In the meantime, the church we had been attending continued to grow by leaps and bounds. The tiny humans were at the age where they would be embarking on their own life journey and making their own decisions. Additionally, the larger than life church commune had outgrown my comfort zone and subsequently, I discontinued attending weekly services. To no fault of the pastor, I suddenly experienced unexplicable anxiety when I would awaken on Sunday mornings. I felt that the comfort and security of our (once) small church community began to fade into the crowd and eventually the intended value for me would disppear into the background, as well. What I once regarded as a close knit family suddenly became a weekly social gathering of polished inauthenticity (to some degree). I would begin to fill ill at ease because I could no longer see the crown of thorns for all of the “bling”, far exceeding the average “Sunday’s best”. Consequently, the facades would begin to vibrate and threaten to invade my energy field.
In defense of this church, I would like to empasize that the growing pains were/is a testament to the inspiring ministry talents of the pastor and should not go without recognition of this fact. He has had a HUGE, HUGE impact on our community and I am a HUGE follower of his contributions.
That was several years ago and I have been quite content with serving my creator in the quiet confines of my own sanctum since that time. There is no recycling of traditional readings or the stoic nature of rituals in the Catholic Church…OR…feeling like I need to dress for the cover of Vogue magazine to attend a weekly socialite gala. I do, indeed, miss the pastor’s inspiration and my safety net of the original founding families…but the services, unfortunately, migrated into sensory overload for me.
One may suggest that the church can help me overcome these issues. I have lived half a century with my sensitive sensory perceptions and that would be diverting attention away from what I need most…inspiration to be a better person with each passing day…not learning how to adjust my auditory senses to the music shaking the very foundation the church was built. If I forfeited an ideal opportunity to attend a Stevie Nick’s concert, I highly doubt anyone is going to teach this old dog new tricks at this point in my life. I did, however, attend a Sarah Brightman concert…but only because I figured the audience would be one of a calmer nature. One may also suggest that it is the coming together of followers in a sacred building that is “the church”. While that may be true, I truly believe you can practice spirituality without ever going to a temple. While a pastor/priest follows their calling to deliver’s God’s message, religion caters towards following the messenger while spirituality caters towards following the messages. One may say, “it is not about you…it is about others in your covenant. It is about you being a testimony, lending support, encouragement, etc…” I believe this also…but I am not about one anothering…hell, it is all I can do to remember my right hand from my left hand on certain days. I certainly don’t want to be the one to add fuel to a fire, so to speak. Trust me when I say that I am the last person you would want to indoctrinate a futile situation when my vocabulary is 50% swearing and 50% sarcasm. “Furthermore, I had my sights on the promised land before you were born” would also be something that would roll off my tongue (the speak first, think later syndrome I suffer from). Furthermore, leading the Sunday school class would not be in my reportoire either. I would be like, “raise your hand if you love Jesus”. Signaling out the child texting on their cell phone…”raise your hand if you would like to meet Jesus” (while lifting child’s hand). Nah…I think it is far safer for everyone if I leave the leadership roles to the more disciplined souls.
Tradition is an in inherited, established, customary pattern of thought, beliefs, actions or behavior. It is cultural continuity in social attitudes and institutions to please someone else or to be accepted. At some point, I asked myself “why in the heck am I doing this”? Certainly not because I am an exemplary role model, but instead someone who seeks guidance, counts their blessings, gives thanks, seeks forgiveness…whether in a crowded building once a week or throughout each moment of each day.
A few days ago, a team member in another department asked me if I used to attend festivals? The question caught me off guard at first…until my hesitation prompted her to say “you seem like such a free spirit”. After a brief chuckle, I responded by saying “if you are referring to someone who is poor in money and rich in blessings…yes, that would be me”!
In closing, I have absolutely nothing against Church or people that go to church. In fact, I think church is exactly where one needs to be if they are lost, depressed, grieving,etc. The church can be a support system or a life line for those that have lost hope or faith. It becomes a matter of what works for each individual. It just so happens that for an empath like myself, the sensory stimulation of the described church I attended simply grew too uncomfortable for me. Faith is about our creator…and I do not feel that you are limited to showing your love for him and serving him in a building or temple. When fellowship drowns out the courage to be your authentic self, it is time to review your loyalties without the fear of ridicule, regardless of what or who keeps you grounded. Everyday should be a celebration of life, our blessings, our differences, our cultures, our heritages, loving one another…most importantly sharing the grace of our heavenly father. These things cannot be taught…they come from within each and every one of us. Like Apple, we just need to install updates periodically so that all the componets of humanity continue to work as they should.
Have a Blessed day…and may our universal force be with us 🙂
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