Resumes 101

HEADING

Trina Sproat / 101 Green Acres Road / Swamps, GA 10101 / 912-1CR-AZY1 / eieio@yahoo.com

PROFILE

A single mother of two delusional teenagers, keeper of Noah’s Ark, CEO and President of the Rose Cottage Homestead and full time Business Development Manager at current place of employment for 30 years

SKILLS

conflict resolution
time management
explosive communication
multi-tasking
housekeeper
cook
chauffeur
budgeting
laundress
janitorial
landscaping
lawn maintenance
blog founder and author
homesteading
developing client relationships
networking
event coordinator
initiate new contacts
maintaining business relationships
negotiate contracts
detail oriented
consistent productivity sales
adapts to changes fairly well
reliable
dependable

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE

Managing Household Director – delegating chores
Psychologist – stress and anger management
Chief Financial Officer of Homestead finances – accounts payable and receivable
Business Development Manager at the only historical beachfront resort in Swamps, GA for 3o years

EDUCATION

Humaniversity – majoring in life, love, peace and joy

HONORS / AWARDS

Dean’s List for longest college career
Most dedicated student for aimeless ambition
Graduated with honors for working towards graduation
Voted most likely to succeed at dropping diamonds while picking up pennies

REFERENCES

Variation Law College: Every time you switch lanes – whether at the grocery store or while driving – the lane you WERE in will start to move faster

Survival Institute: The creative adult is the child who survived

Advanced Research Academy: still striving to become the person I want to be.

SUMMARY

Nine years ago, shortly after my colleague and partner in crime had been hired, we were summoned to a meeting in our Director’s office. In an attempt to familiarize Julie with our team schedule, my director presented the following question to Julie:

DIRECTOR: “Since you have been in this industry for a while, run thru a what a typical day has been for you in prior experience”.

COLLEAGUE: without a moment’s hesitations she began…” I arrive at 8:30…go get some coffee…chat with all the team members in the process…return to office…check personal messages…take care of personal business…take a restroom break…chat with team members along the way…browse thru my social media outlets…go home for 1 hour lunch to include a 10 minute nap…return to office…schedule my vacation…make another coffee/chat excursion…shop for deals on-line…take a restroom/chat break…by 4PM I am ready to check my work messages/e-mails and spend the last hour working”.

While My Director and I were stunned and speechless, I finally found the courage to jump up and exclaim “hell yeah…welcome to our team” complete with a high five. She has been my partner in crime ever since. Anyone who has enough brass to bring that kind of humor to an otherwise routine work environment, gets 5 stars in my book!

HELPFUL TIPS TO KEEP A JOB:

Do not read the head hunter’s e-mail right before your boss walks in to your office and precedes to ask what you are doing while standing over your shoulder
Do not toss the resume draft in your office waste basket
Do not tell your boss to grab a towel on the radio when the owner is on the phone
Make sure when the Front Office calls to let you know you have a guest here to see you, that they are not standing outside of your office door when you say “tell them I am not in today”.
When interviewer asks you about your favorite part of prior work experience, do not respond with “Friday”.
When interviewer asks about your best qualities and /or work ethics…and you respond with “optimism”….be prepared to explain. Best response may be, “when do I start”?
When asked what your favorite motto is…and you respond with, “things in life take time”…do not continue with… “that is why I am always late” .
When asked how much you make at current job, do not respond with “alot of mistakes and inappropriate comments.”.
When asked about multi-tasking…do not respond with ” I make alot of mistakes and screw up several things at once”.
Try and refrain from saying, “I do not fail…I am successful at finding out what does not work”…when asked about successes.
When you have 3 consecutive annual hurricanes, you can justify your bonus with “force majeure”.
When your network checks your on-line activity at work, make certain to educate them on the following: (1) Anthelcide is not a warfare chemical but a paste wormer for horses (2) Excalibur is not a sword but instead another product for horses…never mind what it is used for…lol! (3) Limber-up…get your head out of the gutter…this is a linament used for horses (4) Pyranah is a fly spray brand used on horses…not a killer fish, piranha.
When you publish blogs on WP, you are notified that blogs will appear 5 hours earlier than post time…which may appear that your blog was posted during work hours instead of bedtime. Yes, it has occurred to me that you can adjust time…but why bother with the extra steps?
When current bonuses are based on GOP and you lose 1.5 million in one day due to the coronavirus, it may not be a good time to ask if you are still entitled to your bonus for personal goals.
When you are counting on same bonus to pay taxes and you cannot help but wonder if the government will exempt you from paying taxes due to environmental standstill in economy.
When tiny humans inform you that they intend to follow thru with their Spring Break plans, inform them that they will not contaminate your threshold or that of your parents for AT LEAST two weeks after their return.
When you learn that a new team member called in sick with the flu after being assigned to work with her the day before, optimism is your only ammunition at this point.
While you remain calm, knowing things will become worse before better, know that the universal power is waiting for the world to wake up, find peace and join forces towards civil humanity.
In a worst case scenario, when the government takes over your hotel to use as a hospital, you can resort to the above resume to apply for a job as a groundskeeper. The silver lining is that you will be outside in the fresh air, isolated from the public (no complaints here) and can start your days by asking, “how may I help you? Would you like food, water, pruning or plucking”?

Abandoned Places — Abandoned after plight

You can use this income to buy some of Housekeeping’s toilet paper inventory before the Government takes over the Building.
Feel fortunate that your college kids can fend for themselves due to school shut-downs, as you tend to your weeds
At least you will still have modern conveniences during house arrest, unlike hurricane evacuations.
Finally, while waiting on the rest of the world to take notice of this spiritual calling, invest in some organic, local elderberry syrup and do what you do best…hunker down in isolation.