Telecommuting

This is an account of the last two weeks of working from home. Before I begin, let me first state that when a representative from home office flew in with suspicious symptoms and was ultimately diagnosed with covid, our office was immediately sent home. You would have thought terrorists had the property under siege and we were being rushed out before they started taking hostages. This is only the beginning of comical errors. As we are hurried to vacate the office, I begin to anticipate the freshness and freedom of time off!

However, the reality hit me while I was driving home. Wait…was our team just furloughed again? You make some phone calls and learn that you are working remotely for the next two weeks and will be receiving normal pay…whew!

Oh, the possibilities of what I can accomplish while working remotely…WRONG! I had no idea what the next two weeks would entail. The following is a list of what I learned, followed by an account of what improvements could be made if there should be a next time.

Starting up remotely:

• We had recently switched over to a new email system. No problem except that I failed to follow thru with IT to get emails on my phone. Who wants to read emails after work hours, anyway? After all, our business travels have been suspended until the environmental challenges have improved…so there is no need to read emails after work hours. I am a firm believer in leaving work at the office when you leave for the day.

• I canceled all internet service when the tiny humans had flown from the nest. Who wants to sit in front of a computer after work? After all, I can accomplish any desired tasks in the cyber world on my mobile phone. It also should go without saying, that I canceled the land line (home phone) back when pay phones became obsolete.

• The desk computer went out some time before deciding to disconnect internet with the message “reboot with hardware disk”. What disk? Oh, you mean the one that disappeared with the tiny humans’ matching sock mates?

• Your files, rate schedules, hoarded records, saved computer files, etc are left behind when you are rushed out of the office.
• When your neighbors grow concerned that your fleet of prehistoric dinosaurs remain parked in the driveway for several consecutive work days, assure them that you will not be lining your driveway with horse blankets and sheets or shrouding every exterior fixture with laundry to air dry, as during last year’s furlough.

Set up methods for getting started to work remotely:

• Start by finding a remote co-worker who can help you install office emails on your phone. Precede with suggestion from your assistant to call corporate technical support. Follow instructions to the best of your ability. Never mind that the agent thinks you are the most incompetent person she has ever dealt with regarding electronic skills. After some time has passed – and with gradual success – you start to see the Atlantic Ocean of unread emails flooding onto your screen.
• This might be a good time to mention that if assembly is required, my reputation for impatiently driving a nail in, when a screw is required, greatly precedes me. Who has time to install a screw when you can hammer a nail in?
• Your assistant sends you a reminder text that the property management system cannot be installed on your phone and will have to be installed on a computer. GREAT…
• This brings you to the next item on your to do list: try and find someone you can borrow a laptop computer from. Start with your brother…just to be told that the kids were quarantined from school again due to another Covid outbreak and they will be doing schoolwork on their laptops, remotely. Then you remember that your tiny humans’ father collected up all of the miscellaneous electronics laying around to send off for refurbishing, when the tiny humans left the nest. When you call his office, you are told that everything is still with IT being worked on. However, he says that you can borrow one of his office laptops…yay!
• Now that you have a laptop in your possession, you need to install your property management program. Expecting the process to be worse than having your organs extracted thru your nose, the process is rather easy and does not require technical support. Thank goodness you can retain some dignity rather than be made to feel like you just landed on Mars again!

Ready, set, go!

• Easier said than done! The next morning, you follow thru with your morning routine just like you were going to the office, minus the agony of backstage efforts before stepping out into public. You sit down with your cup of coffee, turn on the computer, review your emails on your phone and prepare for the work day. Your ambition is suddenly thwarted when you remember how slow the Wifi is in your corner of the world. As you recall, you had a technician out to your house on several occasions during the years when your tiny humans would threaten you with self mutilation, otherwise. HINT: When reception never improves, your craving for peace and quiet enhances significantly when the tiny humans become a permanent fixture on the neighboring golf course, where the Wifi reception greatly improves. God forbid should circuit boards prevent or disrupt their ability to access social media by default of their birth rights!
• You decide to answer what emails you can while you wait for your reservation system to wake up…hopefully before your spring gardens start blooming.
• Grab another cup of coffee
• Growing impatient with the Wifi reception deficit, you take the computer and start moving around, attempting to find a hot spot…nothing…until you relentlessly settle back to where you started. OMG…wait…is there a sign of life…could it be? Sales Force has made it’s debut appearance! You quickly begin tasks before the beetle juice evaporates as quickly as it arrived. You manage to complete 1 1/2 tasks before the circle of death reappears before your eyes.
• Grab a third cup of coffee and some grazing food. Return to your chair, lean back, snap a photo of you lounging in your slippers. Send it to your closest colleagues with the following statement: “Is this what our third parties do all week before the rush hour of emails at 4:00 PM on Friday…lol? This has been an inside joke…since forever! You will not hear from any third party until the closing hour on Friday…and to boot…they expect a reply by 5PM!
• If Wifi still has not returned, close each eye and watch objects move places. Repeat as often as necessary to humor yourself. Finally, just simply drink the remaining coffee straight from the coffee pot to save yourself from having to get up from the comfort of your chaise.
• Finally, you see a familiar work screen on your laptop…you begin to enter data in what has now become a cyber marathon. With some luck you get a good hour and 45 mins of power before fading out again. By this time, you decide to take time out for lunch. As you go for the first spoonful of cannellini bean and chorizo soup, you notice that Wifi suddenly returns. You set your soup aside, only to have to reheat it again 30 mins later when all systems go down again. As one would imagine, I am beginning to feel the tiny humans’ historical pain with Wifi isolation thru the years. I finally, call it a day at 5:00
• You start over again in the morning…and each morning for the next two work weeks. The routine follows the same pattern, to varying degrees, between mild temper tantrums to planning a search and destroy party for all proof of life in the nearby vicinity. By the time you work off your frustrations, Hunger Games will seem like a romance novel. After all, don’t people have a life outside of using up the rare, OOAK Wifi supply around here? I mean this is my livelihood we are talking about! Disregard, the “Wanted” posters going up in the neighborhood and your mug shot appearing in the headline news…at least you will not have to contend with Wifi, while in jail.
• By the third day, you are beginning to notice a pattern in the Wifi traffic. Therefore, you begin to work with the current instead of against it. Set your alarm for 2AM; do barn chores B/w 5-6AM; work again until 8AM; eat breakfast; Wifi should return at 9AM; Lunch at 11AM; Wifi returns at 12PM and fades out for the remainder of the day about 4PM, when kids are released from school (thus heavier wifi traffic). Thereafter, the work force is off from work and using up all of the beetle juice.
• When you send a text to your assistant that you cannot see the emails you sent out…only to have her return a text with the link to install outlook (office 365) on the laptop for emails. Apparently, this same installment on your phone only provides the inbox…who knew? Certainly, not I. The only concern here is that I do not learn about this HOLY GRAIL until my last day of working from home. Why did I NOT inquire about this issue before?
• When you have at least 5 pairs of reading glasses but cannot locate one pair, retrace your steps when you were playing “hot seat” trying to find a Wifi connection in your house. You are bound to find a pair along the way 🙂 You later learn that your colleague has been playing “hide and go seek” with her glasses, as well. At least you may not be alone when they ship you off for a mental evaluation. This is your opportunity to gain access to a “get out of jail free” card…simply plea not guilty to mass murder by reason of insanity!
• When you receive an email message from your Director that there is a new spread sheet, attached, to use in your month end report…Really??? This is not the time to start throwing new variables into the equation! You can skirt around the challenge by using the same layout but in email format.
• The same goes for your weekly verbatim…since Wifi is sketchy at best, simply send in your accomplished tasks, via email, at the end of the week.
• The longer you work from home, the more homeless you look. You have only worn two grunge outfits for the last two weeks and look like an extra in a horror movie. Simply pray that your presence is not suddenly requested for a Zoom call! You can always respond by saying that you do not have the capability to partake in a zoom call remotely…which, more than likely, would not be far from the truth.
• You may not get around to brushing your teeth until after lunch, depending on Wifi availability. You skip your skincare routine each night since you have not been wearing makeup during the day. The dishes in the double sink continue to stack up until they spill over into the other side. Your gut flora is off kilter due to revised eating times and eating habits, based on your stress and anxiety levels. You overextend yourself one day/evening and doze off at the computer only to awaken at 2AM and realize you missed the gravy train the evening prior. You do manage to get a shower one day and wash your hair, however, when your dog begins stalking you like you are a prowler.
• You have not been this busy since you returned to work after furlough last year and declare a dying will.
• Before the end of the first week, your assistant screams into the phone (when you call her for the eighth time that day), “Good God…who thought it would be a good idea to send you and Julie home to work remotely ? That is like begging for a slow death sentence”! Once you round the bend of speechlessness, calmly remind her that you are a Sales Manager and that you do not have a doctorate degree in technology.
• Vow to close shop at 5PM on last day of working remotely…even if you still have to complete your weekly verbatim. Just be sure to complete and send this task in early Sunday AM so that it will be sitting on corporate’s desk first thing Monday AM.
• Delete all business phone #’s from your mobile phone upon return to the office. It is once again time to leave business at the office when you leave for the day and start ignoring all of the unknown phone numbers, until your next remote assignment.
• You recall that that the donor of the laptop computer requested that you uninstall work programs befor returning because he does not want to assume the responsibility of his office employees gaining access to secure records and files. It was one thing to have personal assistance when installing programs…BUT…to uninstall programs is way above my pay grade! You watch a few YouTube videos in an attempt to gain the “know how” of deleting programs before you decide it may be best to have IT take care of this task upon your return to “campus”. At least you will have a slight chance of salvaging what computer integrity is left after being in your possession for two weeks. IT returns the laptop to you after a mere few seconds and says you are free to return to the rightful owner. You exclaim, “that is impossible…it took me longer to watch the video!!!”

Remind your colleague to remain sober long enough to answer emails (seen here in her bunny slippers during photo exchange of foot attire)

If there should be a next time:

• With advance notice, gather files for next 3 months (minimum) and rate schedules to take with you.
• No worries about files saved on the Sales drive. Assistant is equipped with access to these from her remote location. Furthermore, why give her reason to forget how incompetent you are with technology while working remotely?
• If remote work will be involved more than a few weeks, go ahead and invest in another desktop computer.
• Install emails on the computer from the start so that you have access to “sent” and “old” emails, as reference.
• Invest in a Hewlett Packard package for fax, scan and printer, currently priced @$89. You may just salvage what little tolerance your assistant may have left for your sorry ass 🙂
• Dedicate a phone line to your work space, instead of providing your personal mobile # to clients. Once again, this enables you to keep business separate from what little personal time you have.
• Keep your routine and schedule in place for health reasons. Have healthier snacks on hand since you tend to graze more, as stress levels elevate.
• Since you are unable to use Morse Code, Sign Language or translate colleagues customary facial expressions in a remote setting, develop texting codes with colleagues or check in with them, via phone, once in a while. After all, you have been there for one another, as a life line of support, thru the years.
• Pay homage to your wise, successful elders who have advised you thru the years to know when to disconnect from work. If crucial tasks have been accomplished in a day’s work, shut down and do not reboot until the next business day. Otherwise, burning the midnight oil is not going to win any favors with your clients or guests in the following days when you are busy rehearsing for a segment in The Walking Dead.
• Finally…and most importantly…always, always keep some cannellini bean and chorizo soup on hand to keep the gut flora healthy!