Homestead Memoirs

• Learn the hard way that even if you have an empty horse trailer, you MUST still go through the weigh station.
• Learn to stay updated on certificate regulations at the weigh station when transporting horses. For an example, when you discover the state revised expirations on Health Certificates (unbeknownst to you) the day before you leave for an event in Florida, you have two options: (1) call Dr. Nunn’s office in Kingsland to see if he can come out at a moment’s notice to exam/produce the necessary updates (2) Against your better judgement, allow your Dad to go in to talk with the authorities. Wait the mere two minutes before your Dad reappears to say “you are set, go in and sign the paperwork”. In total shock, you hesitate before entering the hub station only to find the officer wiping sweat from his forehead. When you retrieve the pen from the officer’s trembling hands, he remarks that your father was either a General in the Army or a Priest but that he does not care to find out…just have updated paperwork before returning.
• Learn that it is not advisable to try and keep up with your horse trainer when following her to a Horse Show…unless you plan on getting pulled for speeding. When the officer approaches your vehicle, you hear the inevitable question, “May I ask why you were speeding”? When you respond by saying, “ah…because I was following my rider trainer to a horse show…”? The officer looks up and asks, “is her name ___  ___”? Me: “Yes…why”? Officer: “Because I just pulled her 10 minutes ago for speeding, also. I tell you what…I will waive the ticket and give you a warning this time since your story is credible. BUT, slow down and remove your radar detector since it is illegal in the state of Florida…it obviously is not working in your favor, anyway”.
• When your horse is returned from off-site custody with Canker, seek out alternatives to surgery.  Aside from the costly expense, lay-overs, quite possibly multiple surgeries to remove all of the canker, it is not favorable to put a 2,000 pound horse on a surgical table without risks. Seek out your Ocala vet/farrier regime for advice. Gather intelligence so that when your farrier suggests that you are wasting your time, you can provide him with testimonies to solidify your decision to try the alternative route. Work with your local vet to obtain the alternative medication (although holistic in nature, it will still require a prescription). NOTE: this protocol will require dedication, effort, patience, time…AND strength. Since Draft horses are more prone to canker, it is not easy to clean, medicate and bandage a draft horse 2 x day for any length of time…perhaps the reason most people opt for surgery(ies). 13 months later…viola…canker gone! Pat yourself on the back for this successful endeavor, as well your local small animal vet for ordering the medication, the farrier that assisted you through this long process… and ultimately, the recommendations from your former regime.
• Learn to have an overstock of mufflers on hand due to  your commutes to/from the barn in the early days before Lawrence Road was paved. Eventually, the shoulders of the road will become as rough as the main road due to overachievers. Empty all bladders and drinks before you veer onto Lawrence Road. Inspect for loose engine or vehicle body parts when you reach destination. You could always lean on Dru as an example…he resorted to duct tape and hay string to keep his wagon held together through the years.
• Once Lawrence Road is paved, you will need to install deer whistles under your vehicle. While speeding was not even a consideration on the prior washboard, one will easily overlook their high rate of speed on the silky new pavement…that is, until the universe of man and beast collide. As a backup, have your collision insurance up to date.
• While most days you have a talent for behaving like someone tore your warning label off, you can improve your mood by grabbing a colleague’s keys (while they are perusing work campus) and move their car to the other side of the parking lot. This prank will improve your mood for at least a week.
• Writer’s block is when your imaginary friends refuse to talk to you
• When you ask your youngest millennial what her dream job would be…only to have her respond by saying “in my dreams, I don’t work”.
• Since I only clean when I am disturbed, you may think twice about your impromptu visit if the house appears clean when I open the Front Door.
• On the other hand…when I act like I am wanted for murder when someone knocks at my door
• Stow away pot holders or cooking mitts in your vehicle to use when the steering wheel has been baking in the sun…all because a colleague zipped in from the wrong direction as a desperate attempt to grab the last shady parking spot before you could (more than likely the same colleague you played the prank on a few days prior).
• When you run into your OBGYN at the Grocery store, while the youngest is practicing her gymnastics inside and under the buggy and customer service is calling for assistance on aisle 9 to attend to your other child climbing on the shelves to reach the fruit roll-ups…only to hear OBGYN say “I only deliver them – I do not accept returns”. You: “Oh, but this is a good day”.
• When OBGYN’s wife walks up a few seconds later, asking “what do you do on a bad day”?  Me: I amuse myself by clicking on the ADD TO CART button.
• I have observed some of my younger friends carry their children to their bedrooms when they fall asleep watching TV. When they voluntarily respond to my look of horror by saying “don’t tell me you have never had to do this”? Me: “Ah, hell no! Teleporting was never introduced into our household due to my bad back, knee and hip from prior sporting injuries. I simply tell my girls they better get to their room by bedtime because the monster alarm will only go off in occupied bedrooms…and I have never had a problem! I am a southern woman, my main method of warfare is psychology.
• Although I grew up in the South, I will not participate in the “seven layers of good-bye”.  If I sense the following is getting ready to occur, I will slip out like a chameleon: (1) Well, I had better get going (2) Bye (3) Hug (4) Stay in touch (5) See you this weekend, if not before (6) Another Bye in the doorway (7) Final bye with a wave from vehicle. My mother would shudder to think that she taught me better than this but this repetitive non-sense is non-productive and in some cases (when you actually care) it just prolongs the agony.
• Don’t call me into the room to read something at 25% unless you have the capability to zoom in at Billboard size. Although I am gaining insight with my aging years, my eyesight lays in your hands should you take the last adult beverage from the fridge
• Learn that hopper flights are planes so small that there is one person to load/unload the passengers, load/unload the luggage, fly the plane, serve refreshments while plane is on auto pilot. You will need to load the plane via rolling ladder on the tarmac, so best to ditch the high heels until you are safely on the ground at your destination. Don’t forget to duck when you load/unload the plane and walking to/from your seat. WARNING: take your motion sickness medication in advance, since you will feel every movement on the small “bird”…even in good atmospheric conditions.
• Learn that when you become ill, even on the tour of Pearl Harbor, it may be best to forgo your 20th year work anniversary cruise-cation. You can opt out for cash value and pay for your stall fees (minus training fees and class fees) at the next horse show, instead.
• When you and date decide to enter Emmeline & Hessie’s Halloween costume contest as the Grape Ape, you under estimate the size of the land cruiser you will be using to travel .  Furthermore, you have planned to join/escort several other couples to this event. Never fear…another useful function for your horse trailer. Since you make a practice of keeping trailer pristine, all you need to do is remove petition, add seating, portable radio for music, adult beverages in cooler, turn on interior lighting and you are on your way to second prize!
• When you are raised with original island settlers, you have a multitude of Aunts and Uncles. Most of us kinfolk are distantly related while others were an early learned salutation…”fictional relatives”, if you will. ⁰ If you insist on climbing our family tree to figure out our entire genealogy, be prepared to have Ross rescue you with his bucket truck when you get stuck just beyond the halfway mark.
• When you join the Golden Isles Scanner FB page to find your teenager’s possible whereabouts. Although you have been very fortunate that your offspring have not made the headline news thus far, you remain a member of GIS just in case, as you are not completely out of the woods, yet.
• The heart jolting reaction you have when GIS notifies members of a new post, you quickly sift through the comments in search of make and model of vehicle, status of post and description of suspects and/or victims.
• To my offspring, know that your momma can defeat your millennial ass and hunt you down to the very corner of your existence…even a different state…because she loves you more than you will ever know!
• Funny how you don’t think of capturing memories on film until you have children. Take as many pictures while you can, because there will be a day when your offspring will avoid having their photos taken just to be obstinate…BUT…they are more than happy to share their selfies with their circle of friends on social media
• Realize that the reason for your insomnia after 1AM (aside from menopause) is that you grew accustomed to sleeping with one eye open during your offspring’s teenage years. If you are able to skip these early morning hours without GCPD knocking on your front door during your graveyard shift, you can resort to blogging as I have done. With any luck, you may be able to fall back to sleep at 4AM. However, be prepared when your alarm goes off at 5AM…you will feel like you have the worst hangover on record…and not related to over-consumption of adult beverage. If your sleep mode is delayed and you wake up at 3 AM instead of 1 AM, best to just stay up…you will feel much better when it is truly time to be awake.
• Trust that when GCPD shows up at your door and recites your offspring’s name(s), there is no use trying to convince yourself – or them – that your monsters are safely tucked in their beds sleeping like little angels. After all, they did not fall far from the apple tree, now did they? Be honest… “cause that dog won’t hunt”.
• I still can’t fly or set things on fire with my mind BUT I can damn sure call offspring(s) first, before returning a phone call to GCPD, First Responders, Hospital, offspring’s School, job, their friend’s parents, etc… There is something reassuring to know, firsthand, what is about to blindside you before you actually return the phone call.
• The above scenario works in the office, as well. When an irate customer is being referred to you, demand the entire history book on the guest before being fed to the piranhas.
• Hijack the next lesson from Momma Bootsie (a fictional Momma on the family tree), who will be 91 this month. You can iron clothes by sitting on them while watching Netflix.
• When your offspring reach the inevitable point when they want to run to greener pastures and your youngest even learns the new word & definition of “emancipation”, play along. Say “Really? In that case, let me help you pack and hold the door open for you.” Before they exit the door, hand them a release form for them to sign. Have them read it aloud to you so that you can anticipate their reaction to the statement, I, Trina Sproat, of sound mind and body, relinquish all parental rights to __________ and__________  on this date___________, to include housing, utilities, transportation, gas, insurance, food, clothing, toiletries, security, hugs, love support, encouragement, responsibility and last but not least any financial provision from here within.

OFFSPRING # 1_____________________________

OFFSPRING # 2_____________________________

GUARDIAN_________________________________

• • Learn from your Godmother’s request (when she is kind enough to take you in while transitioning to living on your own), “If you are going to stay, stay forever…if you are going to leave, leave today…and shut the door behind you. My Godmother was not one for beating around the bush…lol!

    

  • Learn the significance behind the phrase, “never teach your offspring a trade, bring in someone else to do the training”. Trust me when I say your world will be so much more pleasant without your knowledge or presence on the scene. While I did start my girls out riding due to financial constraints and inability to commit them to a lesson schedule due to their other commitments, I was ready to sell them to the highest bidder when all was said and done.
  • Learn that your offspring are perfectly happy with their lack of ambition to ride (after you refrained from slitting your wrists during combat sessions) until AFTER you ship your horses off to earn their keep while raising those same offspring.  While you are quite comfortable with your newfound sabbatical, there will not be one day without complaints from your offspring until the horses return home after a “month of Sundays”.
  • Learn to recognize the aroma of your favorite after school delight…your Grandmother in the kitchen preparing paper thin pancakes cooked in lots of butter (until the flour simply could not soak up any more oil) served with maple syrup… tastes so good, it makes me wanna “spap” my momma”!
  • Additionally, my Grandmother could make the best salmon croquettes, baked beans (with bacon and sugar), hamburgers (made with Lipton Onion Soup), Blueberry cobbler (she would cook down the blueberries with sugar), Fried tomatoes, fried potato patties, etc…
  • I would learn to drive with my Grandmother and Great Grandmother on my daily excursions to the barn. There would be one occasion when I almost sent my Great Grandmother (always the front seat passenger) into premature passing but otherwise, we all survived to endure the long sought after family dinners.

    

  • Speaking of my Great Grandmother, she looked just like the Tweety Bird lady. She was short, stern, wore glasses, had pronounced Native American features and my Grandmother would always fix her beautiful long grey hair into a bun that replicated the cartoon. I desperately wanted to call her Tweety but my parents said that a proud, dignified lady such as my Great Grandmother should be called by her proper name – Clyde. Clyde was a woman of few words but don’t think that she did not know EVERYTHING about EVERYONE! I have proven to be less intimidated in Priestess Miriam’s den.

    

  • For those of you who have not had the experience of meeting Priestess Miriam…and for the purpose of explaining the above statement further…Priestess Miriam kept snakes in her house as part of her rituals. This would be explained to me prior to my visit by a mutual friend…BUT…I was not prepared for what I would witness when I entered her lair. When PM was expecting guests, she would cover the snakes so as not to cause alarm…there were sheets draped EVERYWHERE! Perhaps, instead of a moat and gators, I could simply bring Myrtle and her relatives into the house when expecting company.
  • It would be with the same voodoo friend that introduced you to Priestess Miriam that would accompany you to Santa Fe, their home away from home in New Orleans. I would not recommend the flight into Albuquerque to anyone who is the least bit uncomfortable flying. The sideways descent onto the runway between two massive mountains will cause all of your internal organs to shift according to the laws of inertia… similar to falling 30 stories in an elevator.

    

  • Learn that Middleburg / Upperville Virginia is heaven away from home and certainly worth repeat horse shows in the future.
  • Learn that your Aunt Jo is the only person ever witnessed that can out-eat you during a hurricane “hunker down”.
  • Learn that your cousin (future celebrity relative) will be visiting for the summer. Being younger and very quiet, you do not even realize he is around for three months until you discover he has left a dollar bill on everyone’s pillow prior to his departure…Walton Goggins…”Walt” as everyone calls him.

• Walt’s mother, Aunt Janet, rode horses and we would always ride together on our visits.
• Walt’s Aunt, Aunt Dell would live on the familial homestead for a period. Aunt Dell worked with the celebrity likes of BB King, Phyllis Diller, etc. During the period Aunt Dell lived here, she scheduled for Koko Taylor to perform one night at Richards. She and I would attend the show complete with back stage passes. After the show “Pops” became ill…so I drove the four of us to the Hospital, where we remained until the doctors released “Pops” at 5AM that morning.
• Learn that writing run-on sentences is your forte’ since the voices in your head do not pause until they are completely out of breath. You really must brush up on your shorthand…
• If you should be a guest in my house, please leave the perfume at home for my birds’ sake. I wish for them to still be alive after you leave.
• Learn that you do not retaliate when your younger brother pulls your hair during an argument by throwing a bookend at him. You will find that when the bookend hits him in the temple, causing a bloody battle wound, you will be ousted to the Mason-Dixon line. When your superiors ask “what possessed you to do such a horrible thing”? Simply reply, “the spirits of my ancestors did not stop me.”
• The realistic truth no one talks about – as we age, our eyebrows and hair begin to thin but the hair on our legs still grow like weeds.
• Learning that your youngest millennial offspring is on their way to a full scholarship of turning to social media for acceptance, experiencing lows when recognition of entitlement is not acknowledged. They will graduate with honors in being  lazy under-achievers, holding the couch down until noon and having the occasional low paying entry level job…enough to pay for their monthly phone data. Oh, and God forbid if they should lose their umbilical cord…the essential phone charger.

BONUS: After your offspring signs the parental waiver, your youngest one turns around and says, “Oh, by the way, can you drop me off at Suzie’s house”?

BONUS: Things that will upset your teenager: (1) say good morning (2) say I love you in public (3) Tag them on social media (4) simply breathing (5) sing any 70’s song…my favorite is “Devil Woman”.

While this list could easily be 200 (+) things I have learned in life, I opted to go with one lesson learned for each year I have lived thus far in this particular Blog. However, you may expect sequels to appear in the future.

• Give me a sentence to diagram any day of the week BUT do not expect me to figure out an Algebra III word problem.
• When you are blessed to grow up with 4 generations under one roof and an abundance of varying opinions, do NOT bring up Politics or Religion. While you have two generations that are devout Democrats and Methodist,  one generation that is Republican and Catholic without any apologies, you have the youngest generation who only cares about whose house or vehicle will suffer the wrath of egg or toilet paper schemes that day.

  

• Establish family rituals and traditions. In our household, we had pizza together as a family in the den on Sunday evenings after church and watched Animal Kingdom. This was the youngest generation’s reward for not partaking in the likes of putting  toy spiders on the elder lady’s shoulder seated in the pew in front of you during High Mass.
• I was an introvert by nature so school was exceptionally painful for me. You could not pay me enough money to go back to that era of my life. On the other hand, my acquired expertise in raising children in the millennial era may just have students and peers running for shelter at the nearby parochial convent at the school you previously attended.
• Additionally, I absolutely hated summer camp, as a result of being so shy. The best summers for me were spending all day at the barn…and night if superior authorities allowed.
• When it takes 4 trips to the auto repair shop (and payments) to get the AC working again, borrow a trick from your youngest offspring: Stuff paper towels between your armpits and clothing to absorb the sweat until you reach your destination. WORD OF CAUTION: don’t answer your cell phone on the way into the office and forget to remove the “stuffing” before you run into your Director in the hallway.
• Drawing still life is far more rewarding than drawing conclusions. For an example, do not put a child in time out in the guest bathroom while you finish dinner in the adjacent kitchen. Otherwise, the forgotten pair of scissors in bathroom cabinet + belligerent child = vengeful hair cut disaster. CONCLUSION: You learned a more important lesson in this case
• Only when you have a mouth full of food, will a table guest ask for your life history
• My time off from work is independently owned and operated
• On the contrary, during child rearing years, when asked about your weekend plans, you respond with “IDK…check with my younger co-inhabitants”…I am certain they have my entire weekend planned out for me.

  

• Although a very stressful transition, relish your newfound freedom when offspring are able to drive. Be prepared to have a TO DO list for child when they run out of gas. Their earnings will buy you more serenity.
• I can be looking for my phone in the dark for 10 minutes before I realize I have been using the flashlight on my phone looking for my phone.
• Weekends are less than rewarding for me because I get depressed on Saturdays as I begin to dread Sundays…all because because I go back to work on Monday.
• I do my best proofreading after I hit send or publish
• Today’s eyeliner can be tomorrow’s smokey eye with some imagination
• I can’t wait until sweatshirt weather so I can wear yesterday’s clothing in disguise
• I just cleaned the house from chimney to basement…so everyone that lives in the house must move out, including the neighborhood kids and their cousins.
• My biggest hope is that my children one day will be leaders in their career and not leading a gang in jail
• When windshield wipers are required, I always compare the speed setting on mine to other drivers to make certain I am not over-reacting
• I have learned to kick a child’s toy after I trip over it.
• I have learned to curse like a sailor when I get behind two trucks on the highway…one going 55 MPH in the right lane and the other going 55 1/2 MPH in the left lane.
  

  Morgan

  

  Jordan

  

  Mo & Jo
• I have learned to require a child of mine to read one book for every time they summons me to fetch something for them.
• I still push on a pull door
• When you are stretching and you know you have reached the threshold of ahhhh, you should cease right then and there before you push your luck to WTF…call the ambulance!
• If you need an immediate response from child(ren), send a text…do not bother calling. They somehow do not hear the phone ringing but they will miraculously respond to a text.
• Likewise, when you are looking for your child(ren) in Target, best results occur when you text “what is your location”?
• Staring at the screen of incoming call, muttering to oneself  “if you need me, text me”…no need for unnecessary conversation.
• Observing people on house hunters wanting more room for entertaining guests, while all I desire is to have a moat around my house with gators.
• Remember you have a dinner engagement and start psyching yourself up for the event 6 hours prior.
• When you have been trying to get your child(ren)’s attention…to no avail…until you are on toilet, on phone or watching your favorite weekly show
• Dread Spring when you begrudgingly have to put forth the energy and effort to shave your legs
• To your offspring, “Maybe” will always mean later in time “No fair, you promised”!
• You will always be “stupid” in your child(ren)’s eyes.
• You are not allowed to be seen in public with offspring unless they pick out acceptable attire for you to wear.
• Offspring will never put food or beverage up unless container is empty.
• Wonder what stranger is living in your house should you find toilet paper replaced when empty.
• Since I am not a liar, I do not buy “welcome” door mats.
• Find yourself calling one or both offspring “I did not do it” instead of by their name(s).
• There is never a hungrier child than one at bedtime.
• Learn the new symbols for multiplication and division …traditional symbols are no longer valid when assisting with homework
• Attend Grad School in order to continue assisting offspring with their homework
• Learn that your teenagers appear out of nowhere when they need something, especially money $$$$

  

• Have alarm system reinstated and bars installed on the windows to keep inhabitants inside the house at night. This is only if they should figure out how to dodge the Jerusalem Thorn (you purposely planted outside of their windows) without injury.
• Hide your vehicle keys under your pillow when sleeping with teens in the house
• You are a certified boxing ring referee if you are lucky enough to graduate from child rearing years
• You have prepared dinner only to find out all of the neighborhood kids and their cousins are spending the night
• You can even intimidate your inner demons when you are disciplining offspring that inherited same demons
• You can count on offspring begging for a shopping day ONLY after you pay Peter and Paul.
• You can spend $100 less if you can manage to get to the Grocery store without offspring
• Teenagers will only find their way home or remember your phone number 2-3 days before Birthdays and Christmas to have you believing they are still worthy of your gift offerings. NOTE TO MY OFFSPRING: I caught on to this tactic years ago 🙂
• Learn the hard way that BULL FROG sunscreen is way too harsh to use on toddlers. You will learn this, unfortunately, when you have to rush your prickly cactus to ER after a few minutes at the Beach
• Build memories with offspring  NOTE: Not the kind when you allowed Junior to ride on the bottom of the shopping cart at Target just to have your outing cut short from a blood curdling screaming child that had a fingernail ripped off when they stuck their hand in the path of a moving cart wheel. You will have every shopper wonder if they should call the police or child services when you escort the wounded warrior out of the store.
• Feel your child(ren)’s pain when they reveal their mistake in asking POPPY to help them with their homework. With a look of utter shock, you reply “OMG…no you didn’t”! NEVER, NEVER, EVER ask POPPY for help unless you plan to tread your way thru spider webs of time to make your escape. Your desperate child, barely holding back tears, returns an evil eye and exclaims, “…and you decide to tell me that now”?!

BONUS: Expect child rearing years to age you well before your time…by 20 years minimum

You never quit learning

27 years of life lessons

• You have come to realize that your parents only brought you and your brother into this world as their complimentary slaves. While every other child was sleeping in on Saturday mornings and/or watching cartoons, the child slavery at our house began no later than 8:30 AM. We would be assigned chore lists during family breakfast at 8AM.
• Speaking of Breakfast, you were expected to have your room clean, beds made, dressed, teeth & hair brushed and ready for the Blessing by 8AM sharp. Either you were sitting at the table OR you were on the menu…your choice. Exemption status could exclude my Grandmother and Great Grandmother from this less than exciting ritual. It was then I would begin to wonder how old I had to be before I could, too, be exempt from this tortuous practice.
• When St. Williams eliminated the Sunday evening masses, we were then required to repeat above exercise in order to be at church no later than 7:55 Sunday morning. More often than not, we would eat breakfast out after church. You were not allowed to yawn, slouch or doze off during either event. At this point in life, you would give anything to go back in time and take those naps you refused to take when you were a toddler.
• Monday thru Friday, you had to walk or ride your bike 1/2 mile to the bus stop by 7:10 AM regardless of the weather conditions. You could divide and conquer when your Grandmother was up early so you could convince her that endearing Grandmothers are supposed to do compassionate things for their grandchildren such as preserve you from the wrath of frostbite or thunderstorms, by driving you to the Bus Stop.
• After school, afternoon sports, homework, etc…everyone was expected to have dinner together. It was during these referendums that you would learn a few life lessons:
  • First, let me say you do not get to choose your family members
  • There is always at least one nut in the family tree
  • As long as you had food in your mouth, you could avoid unnecessary conversation
  • My Great Grandmother disliked green peas as much, if not more, than my Dad’s hatred for string beans
  • We could not solve all of the world problems at the dinner table but we could certainly debate over 6 varying opinions in how to do so.
  • You were not dismissed from the table until everyone was finished eating
  • Learn that your father would certainly parish in a house fire, as slow as he eats
  • This is where I would learn karate techniques to keep intruders hands out of my plate
  • Finally, you can always fall back on the excuse that you have more homework to finish when your father asks for seconds. NOTE: use extreme caution with this one in case he should ask if you need any help.
• Do not ever go into business partnerships with family or friends. This combination almost certainly never has a good ending. While I have never tested these waters with family, this prior advice proved to be wisdom at it’s best, especially considering the involved friend was an adult in a role model capacity.  When your Dad learns of the news, he moves (at his famous authoritative, businesslike snail’s pace that radiates intimidation to even the coldest of hearts) to try and dissipate some of my disappointment the best way he knew how. Two hours later, you realize that your Dad actually knew what he was talking about when he doled out that advice earlier. More amazing, he was able to accomplish this fatherly duty of providing sympathy and understanding without coming right out and saying “I told you this venture was not a good idea from the very beginning”. Maybe parents aren’t stupid, after all.
• Curfews were always set for 11:30. According to my parents, there was nothing available after that except attractive nuisances and hospitals.
• Do not plan your nights of sneaking out during your mother’s menopausal phase. In time, you have developed the most fail proof plan. You even learn to take the Dog with you to alleviate any possibility of the dog barking when you sneak back in. All goes well for a while…your groupie even looks forward to seeing “Bayard” each night and eventually he becomes your group Mascot.
• Then Doomsday  hits one morning at 7AM…a mere 45 minutes after sneaking back into the house (did I mention my brother would also partake in these mischievous escapades only to go his own way once he was out of the house)? I could have been years ahead of my time in writing the following script for Ryan’s Murphy AHS Apocalypse (see next bullet):
• Unbeknownst to you or the sibling that has been following suit of your mischievous ways, your mother has had restless nights and would sometimes retreat to the outside air on the deck during her hot flashes to find relief. My dad always kept the thermostat at government standards; therefore, 78 degrees in the summer was hotter than a hooker’s door knob on payday. It would be during one of these outings on the deck that my mother would notice my curtains were open and blackout blinds were up. Knowing that I could never sleep without the shades down and curtains closed due to the bright security light on the north side of the house,  she set out to investigate. Promptly at 7AM the next morning, after my Dad left for work, my mother came into my bedroom; opened the curtains and flipped the shades up (that were both wide open one hour prior) and said in the firmest voice ever witnessed from my mother ” in the Living Room, NOW! At first, I thought I was dreaming since I had only been asleep for 30 minutes. A repeat scenario from my mother would prove that I was indeed in the here and now! When I got to the Living Room, my brother was already seated in a chair nervously biting his finger nails. With the apparent evidence my mother had of our wrongdoing, we felt it best to listen and not speak…after all, you do not mess with a woman going thru the change, especially when you have to endure oven degree temps inside! We were grounded for the rest of that summer. The only silver lining is that she said she would not tell our father if we proved to learn our lesson and walk the straight and narrow with a dash of angelic disposition for the remainder of the summer. She concluded by saying “what your father does not know will not hurt ANY of us in this case”. We totally got it…and we set out to have the most well behaved summer we ever had…I believe my Dad may have even become suspicious at one point!
• This is when I would discover art, as art is the only way to run away without leaving home. I would draw, paint, write, design, change my room around, discover that you can pull off wearing red and pink together when you designed outfits for the upcoming school year (this re-purpose plan applied to last year’s clothes but assembled differently). You are driven between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide.
• Ok, so I now have the ambition of an artist…BUT…I needed to learn how to apply the mindset of an engineer. As far as I was concerned at this juncture, ART had no rules…lol!
• After High School, you decide to take a break from school and accept an offer to work with your riding trainer in Florida. Three years and one knee surgery later, you decide that if you never have to lunge a horse at 4AM again, you will be all the happier for it.
• Return home, marriage, 2 children and a 30 (+) year career later, I can honestly say that the first 50 years of my life were the most introspective years. These are the best and worst years as you discover who you are and finding contentment with your discovery, seeking independence while suppressing your inner wild child and maintaining responsibility, finding balance within a hectic pace, having days when even the devil would ask what you are doing, fighting like the 3rd monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark, trying to stand up in a hammock, embarking on undocumented OSHA violations, learning how to turn down the loud music in the vehicle from the previous night before cranking the vehicle pre-dawn the next AM.
  

  Leisure sporting away from

  

  horses after return home
• Although some of the above references are simply metaphors, there is an inner peace the comes with your 51st Birthday. Aside from the downward spiral of physical handicaps, you realize you become even happier with each passing year, you can enter a grocery store and contain the wild beast in you when you discover they have completely changed the layout of the store, you can forgive and forget although you are not Jesus and you do not have Alzheimer (…yet, anyway), realize that your complexities are not a community project, successfully fill up an empty museum, etc…
• You learn that it takes 4 years of High School to build a 2 week wardrobe after attending parochial school for 8 years.
• You learn that your horse trailer is good for moving and storing thrift finds when you run out of room in the garage.
• Always splurge on Charmin and Bounty. While I am a thrift master, I never skimp on these paper products.
• Learn that friends are not exempt from discipline if they are involved in wrong doing while visiting the Hartridge household.

  

• Learn that your children will have nicer vehicles than you. The silver lining is that while you continue to skirt by with 250,000 (+) miles on your vehicle, at least you can charge your phone without the vehicle running.
• Learn that your children will have nicer cell phones than you.  Additionally, you will need to seek out advice from your children in how to use your outdated flip phone…as well as other electronics.
• Learn that your children are accomplished masters at taking selfies, while you are a pro at dodging cameras…and Kathy when she continues to update employee photos for the break room at work.
• Learn that there will never be a peaceful morning when you try to get your offspring to the Bus Stop on time
• When your offspring complain about the way you decorate the house, inform them that when they have a job and can survive on their own, they are free to choose how they decorate their dwelling any way they see fit…AND…that it is never too soon to graduate towards that day!
• Take pictures during your  “Nesting” days of cleaning, as you will not see your house that clean again until offspring move out.
• After child-proofing your home to prepare for offspring, wonder how they are still getting in, after moving out
• Embarrassing my offspring is apparently another service I offer
• A satisfied customer is the best business of all
• Customers will never love a company until the employees first love the company.
• Live by Henry Ford’s motto, “Chop your own wood and it will warm you twice”
• When you live long enough to observe the four phases of Santa Claus: (1) You believe in SC (2) You no longer believe in SC (3) You are SC (4) You look like SC
• Do not let your Dad catch you standing with the refrigerator door open while you contemplate what you want to snack on unless you wish to find yourself writing 500 times “I will not stand with the refrigerator door open because——“. To an engineer, this could prove more deadly that adjusting the thermostat.
• Do not injure yourself on the ski slopes on your first day of vacation, especially when you are slated to return home from Vermont on a train, for cultural purposes. Otherwise, an injured knee + confinements of train seats = one miserable human being.

  

• Do not be tempted to drink the adult beverages or paint adults’ faces while they are sleeping.  Your 4 family outing to the Keys will otherwise go down in history as the worst experience endured, to date.
• Become somewhat skeptical when you and your brother take an “unadulterated” trip to NYC by yourselves, to find that when you check into the Gorham hotel, your room is # 13…on the 13th floor…with 13 locks on the inside of the door.
• When your mother becomes a certified RN prior to a scheduled trip to Jamaica, filling you full or orange juice, vitamins, supplements, etc… to keep you from getting sick while there. Inevitably, you and your brother succumb to illness soon after arriving in Jamaica due to intoxication of healthy food & beverages
• Learn that practitioner offices in Jamaica are not as sterile as those at home, when the doctor uses a tongue depressor covered in dust.
• Learn that you will become deprived of sleep during a 4 family vacation to Hawaii due to the time change to and from
• Learn that Hawaii has a McDonalds
• Learn that the elder generation’s tradition of “raising the table” is not for the faint of heart
• Learn that despite the fact that the homestead that you grew up on is the oldest home still in existence on the island, there will invariably be ghost stories to be told.
• There will be relatives who refuse to stay overnight on the familial homestead due to prior paranormal experience(s) while there.
• Learn that your horse can even dismantle a pre-olympian while training with them at their Florida headquarters for the winter

BONUSES:

• To my family and friends: anything you do or say may be used in a Blog
• If you are wondering if I am writing about you, I am.

Although one can find a great deal of quotes and memes about hurricanes, this is a take on my personal experiences dodging hurricanes through the years…

READY: This is the preparation phase. 

• First and foremost, strap your headgear on, it is going to be a bumpy ride. 
• You will feel there is a glitch in the matrix, where fate and destiny are quite active behind the scenes.
• You will begin to feel like you are watching a movie seen many times before but deep inside you know that surprises are possible
• There is nothing that will instill sleepless nights like a Hurricane threat…not even steroid shots for pleurisy.
• Your celestial helper reminds you to be adaptable to change and accepting of new and improved ways to accomplish tasks at hand
• Stock up on all medications for GERD, sinus, anxiety, depression, tension, aches and pains, senioritis, etc… you may retrieve Robaxin from tack trunk at the barn for use when you pull your back out from moving all outside objects to interior shelter.
• Try and locate one of the annual bulletins your chiropractor (Dr. Berg) handed out thru the years to use as a checklist. Never mind if you cannot locate one, you have this down to a science.
• Keep calm…the South is more concerned about a foot of snow as opposed to a category 1-4 hurricane.
• Relish the fact that you have permission to look like a homeless person until this inconveience passes.
• When a friend appears on your doorstep without notice, answer the door saying, ‘Welcome to Trina’s homeless shelter”. When the intruder holding down your door step knows you all to well says, “oh, you have already talked to 2 people today”… respond by saying, “yes and with bonus points by using explicaties”! First time, when I tripped over a chicken when trying to replenish food. Second, when I pulled my back out moving the fridge. When you hear “oh, ok then” and the intruder moves toward you over the threshold to give you a sympathy hug, whip out the walking cane you have been using and simply reply MAY THE FORCE BE WITH ALL OF US! With a great sense of accomplishment  that you have trained the prospective intruder well, your friend quickly retreats.
• Hurricane has reached a category 5 storm…now you may start to worry.
• Do not be surprised if you start walking aimlessly from room to room, wondering why you entered the room in the first place. This is normal…your brain is giving you the silent treatment.
• Stock up on your choice of adult beverages and bottled water…there is no such thing as too much.
• Stock up on non-perishable food and snacks. Some of my favorites are Chicken Biscuit Crackers, Smoked Gouda Cheese and Vienna Sausage, lemon poppy seed muffins, apples, bananas, grapes, etc…
• Locate coolers from the attic and empty them of Holiday decorations…then rinse
• Purchase bags of ice HINT: 2 bags will fit into my freezer along with other contents
• Locate or purchase flashlights and batteries (last seen during Hurricane Michael)
• Fill up vehicle(s) with gas. Your vehicle(s) may feel heavy and sluggish with indigestion since they do not know how to move with a full tank of gas.
• Check tire pressure, coolant, transmission fluid, oil level, etc… 
• Stay tuned to weather reports. Determine there are way too many variations of expectations to make any decisions in how to precede
• Cancel upcoming appointments for the week…24 hours out if you are still uncertain as what your status will be at scheduled time.
• Report to work.  Only when any threat of danger is 6 hours away will you be allowed to gather your belongings for evacuation or hunker down 
• Address concerns from up-coming guests about their reservation(s) or conference       

SET: if you are area anywhere within the cone of uncertainty, make last minute arrangements/ decisions regarding evacuation

• Start to become uneasy as you continue to watch the weather reports
• take Xanax
• Run all of you pet supply runs
• Report to work
• When your state Governor calls for a State of Emergency, you know from prior experience that Mandatory evacuation is right around the corner
• Take another Xanax
• Mandatory evacuation is called
• Barn now makes final plans to evacuate horses
• Incoming groups to the resort are now allowed to cancel without penalty
• Assist with securing all pool/patio furniture at work
• Fill up with gas again
• Make another run for snacks and adult beverages
• Evacuate horses

Rose & Godiva

Princess

• Determine that you thought that upcoming weather may require a hoodie…not evacuating your hood.
• Realize that you can not evacuate a homestead, even if you wanted too. Firsthand experience revealed that hotel operators would hang up on you before you even got 1/4 way down your list of animals that would be accompanying you.

Go! Evacuate or hunker down

• Bring in outside animals. Calculate that you should be alright to sacrifice the use of two bathrooms, while two other bathrooms remain vacant

• Bring all outside objects into garage

• Fill bath tubs, sinks and pitchers with water
• Fill all water bowls for pets in advance
• Make a pot of coffee. If the power goes out, TRUST ME when I say that while desperate times call for desperate measures, you will be surprised at what a delicacy cold coffee is. I tried to go without coffee during my first evacuation…and my court date is still pending…lol!
• Turn down thermostat in preparation for power going out. You will not know who has it worse when it gets warm in your house…you, bunnies, chinchilla or ferret.
• Catch up on house chores while waiting with much anticipated anxiety. If the Hurricane is moving at a snails pace or has stalled, deep cleaning may be necessary to keep distracted. Be prepared for the nausea that will accompany tasks that are long overdue.

• Close blinds to: (1) to help prevent glass from shattering into the house (2) if you are like me, the “outta sight – outta mind” cliche’ will help to calm nerves
• Watch FB updates on how you’re horses are doing on their evac-ation during breaks

• Grab your hoodie when interior temps become colder than you are accustomed to and you no longer have feeling in your toes
• Determine that FEMA better step up to their provisions just like State Farm did for Cheryl’s She Shed
• Lights flicker…power out…ah, wait a minute…power back on…nope, power definitely off
• Transfer ice, adult beverages and cheese to cooler
• Decide that since county curfew has been set for 8PM, you may as well follow suit and retire to your sanctum since power is now out and it would prove too challenging to tackle any more projects in the dark
• When cell phone gets low on battery charge, you can always charge your phone in your vehicle. This is one time you will certainly be glad you have a prehistoric vehicle that will charge a phone without running.
• At this juncture in my life, any incoming texts after 8:57 PM will be answered at 6:02 the next morning.
• Discover how quiet and eerie the busy island life is when you realize that you are the only dumb ass that chose to stay.
• Find solace that while all EMS personnel are on the mainland, you are deemed safe.  After all, one has to blindly get past all of the deer traps that were put back into place after your recent riding injury. Just on the inside of the Front Door you have your herd of rescue dogs that have trust/protective issues with non-residents. Beyond the next threshold, there is Benny who is far, far worse than a broody goose or swan. As a last measure, assemble your voodoo dolls in a ceremonial circle around your bed and have your arsenal of self defense weapons within reach…just in case.

• Nestle beneath the warm covers as frost bite sets in and allow the quacking ducks and crowing rooster ease you into slumber…at least for the first hour.
• Continue waking up on the hour, every hour, to increasing winds, torrential downpour, thunder that shakes the very foundation of your home, lightening, flickering lights, transfomers blowing, etc… When you think you heard a strange noise in the house as you are finally dosing off for the eighth time since 9PM, simply repeat to yourself, “nah… I had a good run”.
• Wake up the next morning with a hangover from the adult beverages that saw you thru the tension during the night and a lack of sleep, combined.

AFTERMATH

• To avoid stepping on a homestead inhabitant, grab your flashlight and exit your sanctum, all while trying to find some semblance of equilibrium
• Try to find the courage to open your door or blinds to see the extent of the damage incurred thru the evening
• After accessing what damage you can from the doorway or nearby window, precede into the driveway and/or patio to investigate further

Back Yard after Hurricane

FFront Yard after hurricane

• Despite water up to your front door step and a few trees down in the back yard, consider yourself lucky that you escaped the wrath without too much damage.
• Pour a cup of cold coffee and hope that a muffin will calm your hangover effects. You can indulge in some “procaffinating” for a few extra minutes.
• Decide to put ducks outside to play in the lake that was once your back yard.

• Open blinds to the welcome sunshine and natural light
• Begin shedding clothes as you are now in a full blown sweat
• Check on remaining animals in refuge rooms
• Take dogs to the sod box inside the garage for elimination purposes
• See if your vehicle will start and/or run in the flood waters
• If successful, see how far you can get on the roads to evaluate current situation

• Immediately realize that you were not the only one to stay behind other fleeing residents
• Observe fallen trees, flood waters, volunteers working to clear roads and finally other curious minds out and about
• Decide not to risk any further driving with cables down in the roads and return home
• Find secure higher ground in the back yard to release chickens

• Power returns
• Make some HOT coffee. If you cannot drink hot coffee in a hot house until AC kicks in for a while, then you will never survive an apocalypse.
• Begin to clean refuge rooms

• Report to work where your primary task is to clean, redistribute furniture, inspect, etc.
• Receive notification that horses are in-bound from evac-ation.
• Check on horses when the convoy returns. Try to refrain from calculating the much anticipated expense from the time the horses stepped foot on the trailer to returning home 3-7 days later.
• Return home, take a Xanax and resolve that you are on your way to section 8 after the expenses incurred during this horrendous ordeal. Retirement? What retirement? I will be working right up to my lunch break on the day of my funeral. HINT: Broque’ is the classier way of saying you are Broke. Why do I think of Elaine Griffin here…lol?
• Take a much needed shower
• Resort to your emergency stash of grapes ( the pill form of wine that you consumed the day before).
• Decide on an early night to retire for the evening due to adrenaline fatigue
• As you ease your tired mind and body to bed, say your prayers and give thanks for your blessings.  Decide that you need to enroll in AA the next day and seek treatment for your newfound illness, Diabete (both a result of weaknesses – adult beverages and sweets that you consumed while being held hostage).
• When co-inhabitants return from evacuation, tell them the storm brought in fleas. This should have them retreat back to from whence they came.
• If that doesn’t work, hire and have a sniper on the roof to warn your co-inhabitants that they better keep the house immaculate…you only clean on hurricane time.
• Ask younger co-inhabitant if college made an impression on her while visiting her sister. When you receive the response that there seemed to be alot of rednecks in the town of question,  look her up and down and say you should fit in rather nicely…btw, did I mention we have fleas?

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