Homestead Memoirs

If you have been following my blogs, then you will know that Fall is my favorite season of the year.  Season ratings for me are as follows:

(1)  SUMMER (zero stars) – you keep anticipating the daily forecast to announce that “Judgment Day is upon us…Today we die from inferno”

(2) Fall (4 stars) – Although we don’t have the changing foliage color like neighbors north of us,  you actually realize there is an outside world (since you lock yourself indoors 10  months of the year)

(3) Winter (1 star) – My comfort zone is 60 to 80 degrees…so not my favorite season either BUT I will take south GA winters over summers any day!

(4) Spring ( 2-3 stars) – There is no such thing as Spring in South Georgia. The only indication of Spring are bugs. We can go from 50 degrees to 90 degrees in a matter of minutes.

For the purpose of this blog, I will focus on the reasons why I dread summer so much:

• You step outside to pick up the morning newspaper and you feel like you need to take another shower
• Your face and hair go back to factory settings after the 4 paces between the front door and your vehicle
• No worries, matters will only get worse after your drive to work because the AC does not work in your vehicle
• Imagine the woodland fairies put Freon in your vehicle overnight by turning the AC dial to the ON position…ugh, no such luck 😦
• Decide that rolling the windows down would be a lot more tolerable than the hot air blowing from your vents
• Rehearse the story “a bird flew thru my car window and got tangled in my updo” to fellow employees at work for the 3rd week running.
• Remember you have a dentist appointment during the lunch hour. Remove outer layers you assembled at the office to keep warm in the polar vortex. After thawing out for 80 seconds, roll down the windows while deciding the additional hot air from the AC vents has to be cooler than the outside air.
• Be sure to remove visible sweat with a napkin from take-out bag left in your vehicle
• When signing in, receptionist innocently asks if they are crowded at the gym
• After paying receptionist, calculate in your mind if you will have to wait until next pay check to have vehicle AC looked at
• Repeat above scenario for returning to work
• Remove foggy sunglasses when you leave the polar vortex after work
• Repeat wiping humidity from sunglasses to no avail
• Repeat scenario for leaving work…only, this time you strip down to under garments (after all, you could have just left the beach)
• Try to bear the salty sweat burning your eyes long enough to see the car in front of you and get home safely
• Peel your legs away from the vehicle seats upon arrival home
• Use a towel to mop up sweat on body and vehicle seat
• Remove makeup before going to do barn chores unless you want to have your peers thinking the time machine landed in Halloween Town
• Modify feeding/riding schedule…feed first and wait until your flip flops stop melting into the pavement before riding
• Do not ride between 10AM and 6PM
• Ride older horses and/or horses with anhydrosis and heaves as late into the evening as possible (or before the sun comes up on the weekends)
• Vow you will be a stow-away next May when your Nantucket friend departs for her summer home
•  Have a dry saddle pad for every horse you ride and take home to wash that evening just to start over the next day
• Seize the opportunity to ride in rain showers. You may even stay drier than drowning in a sea of sweat and the horse will appreciate the opportunity to work without being eaten alive by bugs.
• Plan to wash hair every day to avoid the hat mold look (more as necessary)
• Skip the bug spray unless water resistant, as your sweat will just wash away any competent chemicals. If you succeed in finding such a product, plan for the spray to insulate your body heat by another 10 degrees
• If not already in use by Spring, pull out all fly masks, sheets and boots
• Restock on your Equiderma products for a “rash” of equine skin issues
• Quickest relief for horses with anhydrosis is to run water over their poll. Tactic is good for rider encroaching heat exhaustion, as well.
• Sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen! If you are allergic to parabens, as I am, read the ingredient list first! Reactions can be as bad – if not worse – than sunburn
• Upon returning home after barn chores/riding, deliriously ask co-inhabitants “WHO PUT THE GRASS IN THE YARD”? When looks of alarm are returned, realize you should have left the water running over your head a wee bit longer…
• One co-inhabitant amusingly replies…”we wouldn’t know anything about grass since we cannot see through the windows due to the condensation”.  ME thinking:  “Did my child learn a new word at school today…nah…nah…can’t be…I am still delirious from the heat”!
• It is Risky Business leaving children at home alone when school is out. You may encounter an afternoon like I did several years back: Arrive home after work to find there is smoke coming from the microwave AND the oven! You tread your way thru the smoke and the stench of burnt popcorn and pizza to extinguish any flames… all while screaming out to the co-inhabitants that (unbeknownst to you at that very moment) went running to the neighbor’s house to seek asylum from the wrath that is about to be unleashed.
• If found in a similar situation, hastily remove all feathered friends from the house first due to their sensitive respiratory systems. This would include doves, finches, ducklings (in retired play pen) and chicken hatchlings from bathtub. Turn off AC; open every door and window in the house. As $500 (+) worth of cool air is cooling off your back yard, check on remaining pets. Some moments later, co-inhabitants run inside with one of the ducklings limp in their hands, claiming he must have drowned in the wading pool where we placed them once out of the house. Since we are required to complete a CPR class every year at work, I set out to see how much I retained from the previous year. Much to my dismay…I did it!!! MIRACLE gradually took on some form of life again…and still remains on the homestead today.
• Next steps…grab a beer…account for every pet and human one more time…grab another beer…count your blessings…bring all pets back inside before dark…close doors and windows…turn AC back on…count down the time it takes cool the house  again…enroll co-inhabitants in summer camp starting the very next morning…as a means to learn from the experience, provide co-inhabitants with fly swatters to kill the mosquitos that came into the house while airing out… provide incentive by taking the mosquito nets above their beds and install around your bed…as this element of surprise sinks in and gets their attention, grab remaining few beers…retreat to your room as you holler back “don’t let the mosquitos bite you tonight”…say your prayers…fall asleep to the sweet melody of slapping swatters as you start to fade under the security/comfort of your co-inhabitants’ handy décor.
• Realize you need to get your life in order…it is too hot to go to Hell
• Spray outside chairs with non-stick cooking oil before sitting
• Jock itch ointment works wonders for heat rashes on chest. Keep clean with ACV and apply ointment daily during summer months.
• Offer a free sauna to the annual summer rain dance winner. Kit comes complete with directions for operating hose and sprinkler = steam in south GA summers.
• Skip the sundress unless the farmer’s tan is back in style
• An alternative is to stick your lower body portion thru the doggy door for a tan, while keeping your top body portion in the cool indoors…if determined to even out the farmer’s tan to sport the sun dress trend
• Any hair style is acceptable as long as it is out of your face and off of your neck. If you can tolerate the extra warmth, a hat is also acceptable. HINT: a riding helmet is always acceptable when riding
• If summer is exceptionally hot or area has succumbed to draught, be prepared for a war on fleas
• Call mechanic to schedule work on AC
• Learn mechanic is on his annual vacation in Maine
• Purchase DIY Freon at Ace Hardware
• Watch youtube video on how to administer Freon yourself
• Wait until engine is cool before sticking your head under the hood…you could experience charring, otherwise.
• Task successfully accomplished…only to discover AC is still blowing hot air
• Convince yourself you did not spend $30 in vain, as gauge did confirm Freon was low.
• Find relief in the fact that you replaced compressor last summer so it should still be under warranty
• Do not make plans to leave your house b/w 10 AM and 6 PM until your mechanic returns from vacation.
• Word of caution: if your vehicle AC is working, schedule a service on your home unit because Murphy’s Law will make certain one goes out when it reaches 100/100 outside. If the inevitable does occur, you can retreat to the working asset.
• You can service the portable unit in the rabbit’s domain yourself. If not familiar with this process, watch a youtube video.
• Communicate to your yard service that they can skip the weed killer this season, mother nature (heat) has taken care of the problem.
• Upon rumor that mechanic has returned home, use any means necessary to convince him that you have first priority for service…that is if he values his time left in this realm. As you enter the cool waiting room, exclaim…’WOW, SOMEONE PUT GRASS IN YOUR YARD, TOO”!

How many times have we heard our trainers yell  “get back on the horse or go to the hospital” when you fall off? Now in 99% of my cases, I would humbly pick up my shattered body, swallow my pride and with some hesitation climb right back on the beast that thought it would be fun to play “toss the rider”. In this particular case…at this juncture in life… and at my less than agile age, however, I felt too broken to get up off the ground much less get back on the horse. The worst part about this fall is that I had just mounted the horse (I had not even gotten my other foot into the stirrup) when the horse decided “READY OR NOT, HERE WE GO”!!!!!!

The point of this blog is not to belabor the details surrounding the unfortunate fate of “dismounting with grace” or the humbling words that “strength comes not from the fall but rising after the fall”. In earlier years, I had more than my fair shares of falls and accidents that prevail in the Equestrian world…in fact, I perfected the art of dismantling! That is a subject for another blog…for another day. The following is a take on my recent journey to recovery…

FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS AFTER FALL:

• Assess the situation
• Dodge the feet as the bucking bronco leaps into action
• Flail your arms should your mount return to run you over
• Did the lights go out?
• Are you breathing?
• Can you get up?
• Can you stay up?
• If not, can you crawl?
• Can you walk?
• How bad is the nausea from shock to the nervous system?
• If bad, sit on the mounting block you fell near until you feel that you can move without passing out
• When you come to, ask any witnesses WTF just happened
• While waiting for the nausea to dissipate, ponder whether or not a bee just stung this familiar mount in the ass.
• Discount any burs in the saddle pad, since that was your 4th ride that day with the same tack and no other prior incidents
• If you are able to move regardless of handicaps, search for bucking bronco
• Catch bucking bronco
• Check for broken tack
• Check for injuries to the horse (if you really care at this point)
• Untack the horse
• Put the horse away if you are significantly injured
• Otherwise, lunge the fool out of the horse if you can manage
• Put the horse away
• Go home
• Take Motrin
• Break out the ice packs (ice wraps for horses work great)
• Expect to feel worse tomorrow
• Wakeup every time you try to find a comfortable sleeping position
• Remember what it was like when it took incremental attempts when you were pregnant to rotate sides when sleeping
• Conclude that the pain far surpasses the time you fell down a flight of 7 icy steps

IN THE FOLLOWING DAYS

• Take Motrin every 6 hours
• Ice twice a day, MINIMUM
• Purchase a doughnut pillow
• Take Epsom Salt Soaks
• Experiment with your equine poultice products HINT: Marvelous Mud wins this category
• Take left over prescription pain medication from last surgery/fall/accident/injury
• For those that have desk jobs, make a point to move around every hour
• Purchase SI belt (the brace will be a life saver when taking horses to/from turn-out)
• Vow you will never allow your chiropractor to take her annual vacation during the week of your injury again
• If after a week, you are not feeling better, have x-rays taken
• Arrive 10 minutes before clinic opens to avoid wait
• No worries, the 7 people already in line 10 minutes prior to opening could easily have been 37 people had you not arrived early
• Once admission has been completed, you see NURSE RANCID come thru the door to retrieve the first patient.
• You immediately text your colleague blasting her for telling you that NURSE RANCID retired
• Your colleague responds by saying “she did…she must not have enjoyed retirement without victims to torture…thoughts and prayers are with you”!
• Decide to wait anyway, vowing that you will make it your mission to get a smile from NURSE RANCID before you leave the clinic
• Feeling triumphant that not only did you get a grin out of NURSE RANCID but as a bonus you managed to get a chuckle and a few words of convo from her as well.
• When the x-ray technician instructs you to lay on the cold hard slab, inquire if it is possible to take images standing up.
• When told “no”, try to hold back the tears as you manage to carefully maneuver your broken ass on the table
• After several images, the technician realizes she will need to retake all of them again since the injury site was just barely out of photo range.
• Try not to strangle technician (NURSE RANCID’S cousin by an incestual affair) as she re-arranges your limbs like a puppet
• Try to read the technician’s face once she has looked over the second set of x-rays…to no avail
• Repeat sleeping rotation technique to get up from metal slab
• As you begin to expect the worst, you find consolation in the thought that you already broke your coccyx bone in middle school when you fell from the top of the monkey bars to a straddling position of the bottom bar. I can still remember the excruciating pain and nausea as a result…not to mention the playground location and the hazardous red color of the popular recess apparatus.
• The physician finally walks in to give you conclusion of images…BUT…before he does, he stalls by asking “you are still riding those horses, huh”?  Now you really begin to suspect the worst…just when you hear…
• “You certainly have done a number this time…………………………………………………………..but no signs of fractures or broken bones. If you are not better in 7-10 more days, come back and I will order an MRI”.
• Grab the prescription for pain medication and hurry out of the patient room (well as quickly as you can in your condition) before the Physician has a chance to change his diagnosis. Ignore the words trailing in the distance…”you know your fate is going to run out one day riding those horses”.  Just keep moving towards the exit door!
• Ok life is good…no fractures or broken bones AND I managed to shed some light on NURSE RANCID’S otherwise gloomy day.
• Go to massage therapist for EMS therapy
• Chiropractor finally returns from vacation and shifts sacrum back into proper alignment and hooks you up to the TENS unit.
• Learn the difference between EMS and TENS…your two newest addictions!
• Search for the heating pad you stored away after the last horse related incident
• You can now start alternating hot & cold therapy
• After two weeks of any and all of the above, you decide to see how you fare riding
• After trotting across the short side of the arena, you immediately decide it is too soon to be bobbing up and down in the saddle and set out to clean tack instead
• Utilize the next few days catching up on chores at home and at the barn that you would otherwise choose to ignore over riding. Trim horses,  Pull manes, Organize lockers, Clean tack, etc… Skip trimming the lower leg feathers for now. You will need to save your back for the necessary daily hoof cleaning
• If you should find it impossible to tolerate the pain to clean hooves… beg, borrow, steal or bribe someone to volunteer for the task…offers of assistance are also acceptable. When all else fails, source the chore out to the Girl Scout, you refused to buy cookies from in the earlier season, to make amends.
• Solicit help from tiny humans at home to start earning their keep by exercising the horses.  When complaints arise that you should dare ask them to assist with the care of their horses, remind them of the college trip to Morocco; provide warning for forfeiture of financial support and/or enabling any future desires that require monetary funding.
• Go back to chiropractor that wants to see you again in a few days to make certain your adjustment held. She ascertains that she would like to see copies of the x-rays before she pursues a more aggressive approach to treatment. She said if she cannot find anything, she will forward images to her preferred orthopedic surgeon for a third opinion. Better to err on the side of caution,  she ascertains. Otherwise, learn that you are on the right track and these type injuries typically take 4 weeks to heal.
• Try riding again 3-4 days later that yields a lot more success than the first trial run. Although you will not be doing sitting trot routines for a while, you are able to put 2 elder horses thru their paces that day (God Bless these Saints) and lunge the younger/bouncier horse = all 4 horses were exercised on this monumental day (niece made it out to ride her horse on this day, as well). With any luck, perhaps you can eliminate the need for injections and/or bone fusion that typically comes with this type of injury…fingers crossed!
• Rejoice when you can finally put on underwear without sitting or holding onto something for support…you may just be on the homerun stretch!

THINGS TO DO/AVOID WITH POSTERIOR INJURIES

• Do not ride a bike until you have once again resumed riding your horses without the nauseating pain that will accompany the gradual comeback
• Take your time walking on uneven ground…that one misguided step will send you into blood curdling orbit
• Be alert when walking your horses to / from turn-out and learn to anticipate the unexpected jolt when one swings around to get a pesky bug off their flank
• Take your time stepping off of curbs or climbing stairs, which inevitably aggravates the over-stretched ligaments
• Learn which stretches you can do to build muscle strength to compensate for injured ligaments
• Utilize floating device to conduct pool exercises in the deep end
• DO NOT walk or twist sideways (as demonstrated when squeezing between two chairs)…pain could be comparable to walking on nails or thru fire!
• Furthermore, learn how to get in/out your suburban or truck without twisting
• Dismantle the deterring deer contraptions you set up in your yard to preserve your labor intensive gardens and flowers…at least until you can successfully and painlessly hurdle the invisible lines again. You may leave the invisible netting over the gardens
• Take a spare hose with you to/from barn to fill water buckets for the one horse that does not have a hose attached to nearby faucet. Lifting buckets of water will only prolong the healing process
• Only lunge horses you do not have to chase (Godiva would not be a good choice in this instance). If desperate situations call for desperate measures, borrow the “plastic bag on the end of a lunge whip” trick from your fellow saddle seat riders. You know the one that would terrify your mount when riding in adjacent arena. This measure should only be used when you notice that Godiva is gaining 200 pounds every day that she is not exercised.
• Delegate the catch-n-rescue animals to another successor while you are on the mend
• Do not expect to be able to garden while injured. Driving the shovel into the ground with your foot will only remind you of the shock symptoms you experienced after the fall
• Do not plan on errands / trips / outings that include lengthy time driving or sitting
• Avoid bumps, ruts and potholes at all cost while driving
• Although you cannot always dodge railroad tracks while driving, you will certainly succeed at enraging the driver behind you when you opt to creep over the tracks at a turtle pace.
• If your last name does not begin with A,B, or C, do not volunteer to accompany your youngest millennial to traffic court. Trust me when I say that sitting on a cold hard bench for 4-5 hours is not a laughing matter in your condition…you would rather have another episiotomy instead!

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED ON THIS JOURNEY

• Life always has bumps in the road
• How you manage the bumps is what counts
• Always be thankful and count your blessings…things could have turned out a whole lot worse
• Everything happens for a reason…we may not always know what that reason is but my guardian angels have put in a whole lot of overtime catching me when I fall (no pun intended) to throw in the towel at this juncture…lol!
• Life always comes with silver linings…I now remember what it is like to stop and smell my cherished roses once in a while
• Go with flow…it is what it is…you cannot go back and change anything…learn from it and move on.
• Accomplish things you have been putting off (within physical ability)
• Bumps are meant to keep us in check (i.e., patience is not a virtue of mine when it comes to waiting or slowing down productivity)
• Horses have probably enjoyed the downtime during this early historical 100/100 heat wave
• After observing the suspension your younger/bouncier project horse displays while lunging during your recovery time, you decide that if you and/or this project horse should advance to showing, her name will be “Suspended in Time”
• Creative outlets emerge when we slow down enough to recognize the invitations
• Do not put off going to the Doctor. I don’t like hunting or searching for what I do not want to find but in this case the fear of the unknown prevailed.
• If you are lucky to receive the news that you do not have any fractures or breaks, you can then explore your boundaries and limitations of therapy…but don’t try and play super hero
• Instead of being complacent about mounting a horse, learn to secure your seat in the saddle and your opposite foot in the stirrup a lot sooner in order to have a fighting chance of staying on the sporadic bucking bronco. Now you can appreciate the way rodeo cowboys stay above the horses back until the gate opens…lol!

MOST IMPORTANTLY: Never considered riding without a helmet! Things would have been a whole, whole lot worse had your head succumbed the impact that your posterior endured.

Hopefully, you will never need to reference this script again after initial reading…BUT…if you should…perhaps this experience and testimony will come in handy in more ways than one. 🙂

HAPPY TRAILS!!!

As I arrived at the barn early this morning, I noticed patrons loading up the trailer in the dark in preparation for departure by daylight. This week, their destination would be Tryon…last week it may have been Ocala…in another week’s time, they may be off for Jacksonville. Between the Dressage competitions and Horse Shows, Allie spends a great deal of time on the road…not to mention her daily riding/training/lesson schedule at home. While I do not envy the schedule she keeps, I do envy the stamina and energy she has.  At my age and this juncture in my life, I can only reminisce about the vitality and passion I once possessed for “keeping the roads hot”. This sparks an inspiration for Homestead Memoirs…WHY I AM HAPPY TO BE AN AMATEUR .

While Allie is fantastic in her 24/7 role/capacity as Barn Manager and Trainer for the 64 stall equine facility (a super hero would be a better description), I much prefer the less superior role of the naïve, simple, unsophisticated life of an amateur.

• Let’s start where the inspiration for this blog begins. For many years, I delved into the routine of preparing for shows and/or events. For the younger soul, bathing, clipping, cleaning tack, packing, hauling horses, setting up at show grounds, schooling, putting on your custom boots at 4am before your feet hit the ground and fluid would begin to fill your lower legs, showing, braiding/unbraiding, finding an army of unsuspecting souls to pry your boots off your swollen, numb legs 12 hours later, loading and unloading again, unpacking, etc…were all tasks that called for youthful dedication, enthusiasm and energy.
• With each passing year and each off-site event, my enthusiasm began to curb and wane until that day I was pulling out of the driveway (headed to a show) when I expelled a grunt and sigh of exhaustion that only turning around was going to relieve.
• I have no inclination to upgrade my horses or move up to the next division (the next division in my life would require a shovel and tombstone). Besides, my 3-4 figure horses are quite sufficient for keeping the so called amateur engaged in the lower class sector of the horse commune
• I have no desire to “fancify” my tack. My 45 year old Prix Des Nation suffices just fine…and I would not know how to ride with comforts of knee pads, deep seat and all the bells and whistles of securing your seat and legs in place. Granted, my saddle looks like it has endured a few battles and has had multiple repairs thru the years but it has earned it’s keep until the day it finally disintegrates into atmospheric particles.
• When you attend the occasional show and discover you are the only rider wearing chaps and paddock boots. Everyone else is sporting the breeches and tall boots for schooling purposes. There it is…the feeling that you have arrived in a futuristic world via time machine.
• Look in awe as you witness a fellow boarder place a cut-off fishnet stocking on their head. You realize that you may not be the only one with a doctrine in DIY solutions. Witnessing the look of awe on your face, this fellow boarder exclaims, these hair nets are the BOMB! Gone are the days trying to configure the microscopic hair nets…thank you Kelly for this update!
• Your trainer gasps when you show up at the show ring in your brown Harry Hall coat from the Victorian Era.  You realize that you have committed one of the worst fashion faux pas since your last show. You try and explain that the longer tails and sleeves in an era gone by, are better tailored to your longer torso and arms. To no avail, he/she utters under breath (as  face color continues to intensify)…Black or Navy!!! But…what happened to grey, green, brown, tweed and royal?
• When you arrive at the barn for that occasional leisure ride when a fellow boarder asks if you ride western. You realize you must have returned a puzzled look to the question because the fellow boarder points out that only western riders wear chaps.
• Several weeks later, you are completely stunned when your chaps zipper breaks…you know… that custom made pair that arrived on the Mayflower several decades ago. Instead of replacing the prehistoric chaps, you decide to merge with updated times and go the breeches and tall boots route. At least this will eliminate the inquisitive look you get when your alien spaceship arrives at the barn.
• You have gained some sense of pride when you arrive at the barn the next day in breeches and tall boots. As you prance in with the BTDT attitude, your bubble is about to burst when a boarder from a younger generation points out that they have never seen orange breeches before! Your shattered ego replies: ” the color is called rust – not orange – and I will have you know that these were my show breeches before you were born”!
• When another boarder from a younger generation remarks that they LOVE the color of your riding helmet!  Without thinking, you precede to tell her that it is the same color as hers. No, it is no longer new fresh shiny black velvet…and it certainly does not have that “bling thing” on the front. True it did come in on the same ship as my saddle and chaps…perhaps faded down to a light gray and the bling on my helmet is the rust encircling the snaps/buttons.
• When the visitor walks thru and asks what kind of horse you have? You reply with “first generation mutts”. Besides they will not know what Hanoverian means anyway. Preferred response will save you some time in explaining to the no-horsey person what horsey terms mean.
• The purpose in blogging is to embrace honesty… So let’s be brutally honest here. I dread seeing a visiting group approaching the barn(s). I spend all day in the tourist/hospitality industry. Therefore, my time spent at the barn is my therapeutic time away from tourists. When I spot that undeniable look of uneducated horse people approaching, I walk (or run) the other way. I will peer around the corner to watch and wait for their departure before I resume my affairs. There I said it…call me rude or impolite…but I call it preserving my sanity 🙂 I realize that visitor was me 4 decades ago but I am older now and have earned my right to be that grumpy old lady.
• When you return to the occasional show as a much older patron, you have a renewed appreciation for that ribbon that cost the host $1.69…especially considering your expenses for getting to the show ring cost 590 times that amount.
• Never mind that you have been awarded a red ribbon when there were only 2 exhibitors in the class. You spent 600 times the effort to get to that point than you did 2-3 decades ago.
• As a senior in the equine sport, I have earned my place as the fair weather rider. The days of the die-hard dedication of participating in the sport during monsoons, hail, snow, tornadoes (Roanoke) & hurricanes are long gone. If I decide the light breeze is blowing in the opposite direction one day, I reserve the right to go home, instead, to relish the light breeze drinking a glass of wine on my porch.
• I do try and keep the excuses to a minimum, however. If I linger to chat with a fellow boarder for too long, I loose all motivation for riding. If I miss one day of riding, it may take me a week to find the motivation for riding again.
• Additionally, I have to keep the rhythm going or the energy dies. Some days, I find myself riding to my limit and struggle to find half that momentum the very next day. Therefore, I have learned to find a balance of commitment without 100% commitment. I will ride a few of several one day and the opposite few of several the next day.
• “Wow…nice horses…do you show”? 
• “No…all my money goes into feeding the horses”
• “Why so many?”
• “Well, that one is 26 and retirement is knocking at her door…that one will have to retire with her since they are joined at the hip and she only has 50% breathing capacity…that one is younger and once again gives me the opportunity to work with a green one…that one is green also but a little older and is here to teach the younger one that she is not allowed to incapacitate owner in any way if she wishes to eat ever again (caddiness sets in)
• “What does green mean”?
• “Uh…I have to step around the corner for a moment” 
• Learn to laugh at yourself…this will become a full time job for amateurs
• Learn when and how to solicit junior riders to ride your mount when necessary. No compensation necessary, as most dedicated junior riders thrive on the mileage and experience of riding different horses…even the bouncy ones that jar your ribs into your esophagus. You can save your back and with any luck may live long enough to welcome your grand children into the world (another generation of riders for the trainers with longevity)
• Heed the advice from your trainer to have a glass of wine prior to your ride. Just make certain you don’t overdue it since you will have multiple courses to remember.
• Present a smile and conceal the chattering teeth when the trainer arrives to the ring in his golf cart at 7am and the temps are barely hovering above freezing. Try and ignore the fact that he is sitting on heated seats, wrapped in wool coolers and sipping on his divinely warm coffee. If you cannot muster the charm to ignore the delight he takes in sacrificing this time slot for you…at least forgo the temptation to ask why he did not bring the Ocala Daily with him? He may just reply …”because watching you is far more entertaining than any comic section…”.
• When a trainer cannot be found anywhere on the show grounds…check the Amateur ring. Trainers tend to congregate there for a dose of humor while riders are on course…But… have this innate ability to regain composure as riders exit the ring.
• You can use your amateur status to  “get out of jail free” due to a monumental mistake. The rewards can be as significant as using your senior citizen discounts!
• Ditto for stupidity…Amateurs can really use this card to their advantage! After all,  you are an amateur…you are not supposed to know everything…I certainly don’t and don’t even pretend to!
• Instructors need to know that in order to have a successful relationship with the Amateur rider, you must know: (1) that we are adults…not juniors (2) juniors are wired to listen (3) Juniors have not established fears (4) juniors are more flexible when they hit the ground (5) juniors have no idea how much cash goes into lessons, horses, shows, gear, etc…(6) adults are not going to be as accepting of the remark “suck it up”. They have spent the first 1/2 century doing just that, including bearing the juniors which – in most cases – need to hear those humbling words. (7) some adult riders have human dependents at home which may enhance their conservative approaches (8) Realize that a lot of adult female riders are playing checks and balances with their hormones during senior years. Therefore, approach with caution if Helen Keller managed to get 2 strides thru the in-and-out. Better yet, be equipped with a box of Kleenex…or worse, be prepared to duck under the judges stand to avoid the most insane and outrageous display of dragon breathing fire ever recorded
• If you are feeling uncertain about attempting the Ami-Owner classes in the mud slide that day, cancel your classes and gather with your more than humble sisterhood under the covered spectator stand. You can sip on a glass of wine as you digest the loss of your hard earned savings on preserving yourself and your beloved horse for another day. I am not even certain that a death certificate will allow for cancellation without penalty. Drink another glass of wine as you begin to sympathize with your fellow competitors for the horrendous weather but take delight in the more conservative path you chose to take. HINT: Season pass for alcoholic beverages would probably prove to be more economical due to all of the potential need for wine at riding engagements.
• If your mounts do not need to see the jumps before your division, opt to hack on the perimeter grounds if allowed. Schooling with 50 Professionals and Juniors in the same ring is a disaster in the making. Pros and Juniors have a quicker response mechanism than the senior fossil. Same concept as driving 40 mph in Atlanta…it becomes not a question IF you will be run over…But…WHEN you will be run over.
• I have no problem asking for help. I know the Olympics are not in my future and I know I am not making any money on this passion. I try and soak up all of the information while I can until the next opportunity presents itself.

Hello, my name is Trina and I am proud to be an Amateur Owner and Rider…

After the recent announcement that our General Manager would be retiring after 18 years of Leadership, I began to marvel at the wonderful feeling of being able to retire to a life of leisure without all of the stress, headaches, striving to meet goals, compromising, reports, figures, crunching numbers, phones ringing off the hook, site visits, business trips, budgets, proposals, contracts, etc…

After 30 years in the Hospitality industry – not to mention representing the same property for 30 years – you begin doing hypnotic things like memorizing every crack in the pavement between your vehicle and the Front Door, learning that the same plant in the breezeway wilts at the same time every week from lack of water, trying to beat the same employee who always takes the last drop of coffee in the break room, anticipating the capricious winds off the ocean, skirting around the talkative client as you rush in before anyone recognizes that you are late, still dressing as you sprint through the door…all while muttering every Monday, Wednesday & Thursday that this thing called “work” is a bit over rated. Tuesdays are not half bad since you endured the harshness of coming off a weekend on Monday and Fridays are acceptable only because the weekend is only 8 hours away.

As I begin to daydream what retirement will be like, I am suddenly stricken with the news that my oldest daughter has been awarded the opportunity to join some honorary college students on a trip to Morocco. Now this news would come as a great surprise to most parents and congratulations would be in order for remaining on the Dean’s list. However, this is not my first rodeo for the studious child to be awarded a trip abroad. After all, it was thru these privileged experiences that she would determine that she wanted to major in International Affairs. My hesitant response to her announcement, instead, was “when”  and most importantly “how much”? You see, these awards don’t come at a cheap price…what they don’t tell you is that you will have to work another 1/2 century to afford one trip abroad.  The award is the “invite”…not an expense paid trip.

THE RETIREMENT VISION:

WEEK 1

1. Sleeping in – My entire life has always been “early to bed, early to rise”, so this may be a difficult habit to break.  We grew up on Government time and temperature. Thermostat was never set lower than 78 in the summer and never higher than 68 in the winter. Furthermore, everyone was up, dressed, teeth brushed and sitting together at the breakfast table by 6AM during the school week and 7AM on the weekends…discussing plans, school & chores for the day. In addition to school & jobs, there were the tiny humans and animals that would awake when Pallas (the rooster) would crow at 4AM and need tending to. Therefore the average waking hour for me has been 5:00 am. In a perfect world, I would/could sleep until sunrise.
2. Have leisure breakfast & coffee at the café table outside with the Homestead animals while admiring the results of the blood & sweat that have gone into my cherished gardens over the years.
3. Schedule Lunch with friend and/or former colleague you have been out of touch with due to hectic work schedule.
4. Take a nap…not simply a 10 minute power nap b/w obligations but 1-2 hours minimum. You know…the kind where you wake up with a drool pool on your pillow. You feel like your whole body is waking up from a coma…not knowing where you are, what day it is, what time it is, whether you are in the past, the present or the future. Worst of all, you get that sudden fear you overslept and missed showing up for work. Yeah, I don’t know what that feels like either but I very possibly felt the very same sensations when it was described to me.
5. Go to the Barn and actually enjoy a leisure ride instead of the routine auto-pilot you have been set on for so long.
6. Have afternoon Tea & Scones to refuel for the dinner and/or movie that you scheduled earlier in the day with a family member or long-lost relative. Save the afternoon cocktail for dinner. You will need to have your wits about you in order to recognize the dinner companion you have not seen in a while.
7. It is Ok to stay out/up past your historical 8PM bedtime and have that extra glass of wine since you do not need to get up at 5AM the next morning.
8. Read or write until sleepy since the earlier 2 hour nap threw your internal clock off kilter.
9. Still awake…no worries…make plans / prepare “to do” list in preparation  for your weekend “glamping” trip with your sisterhood
10. 2AM – Lights out

THE REALITY OF RETIREMENT:

WEEK 2

1. Repeat of week 1
2. Call physician to make certain there is no reason to be concerned that your blood pressure is lower than it has ever been

WEEK 3

1. Repeat of week 1
2. Purchase box hair color to cover your over populated gray hair, as you can no longer afford the leisure visits to the hair salon
3. Realize you and your bathroom are now sporting more of the box color than your hair and set out to find out which household chemical will best remove the color stains

WEEK 4

1. Modify repetition of week 1
2. Revert back to historical sleeping schedule and eliminate 2 hour naps due to weaving heights of havoc on internal clock
3. DIY mani/pedi since salon prices have become a burden on the limited retirement funds
4. Wonder how the nail salon techs stomached the science projects growing under your nails and toenails all these years.
5. Set out to purchase a bottle of nail polish when you discover that every bottle of polish in your cabinet has dried up from non-use over the years

WEEK 5

1. Find an alternate activity for Lunch since all of your retired friends are still asleep during the lunch hour
2. Realize your zoo is growing complacent with your on-going presence…to the point of resenting the revised schedule you are now keeping with them. After all, they had grown quite accustomed to your occasional visits and sporadic bouts of attention.
3. Realize that your children are MIA a lot more now…after all, handouts are not as readily available on a limited fixed income.
4. Discover you can no longer fit into your riding breeches due to weight gain.
5. Order new breeches at least one size larger

WEEK 6

1. Come home to find children left a sign at the front door reading, “Use caution when approaching…retired lady lives here…and she talks a lot to fill her void time”
2. That sudden awareness that reference to vegetable does not apply to the edible.
3. Call a retired friend to inquire whether or not a glass of wine is acceptable at 10 AM
4. Remember that retired friend is still sleeping and hang up
5. Pour that glass of wine anyway
6. Notice that your bald spots have some baby hair growth from not sporting the hair clip at work as stress levels rise
7. Call to cancel dinner/movie plans since you are too inebriated to drive. Decide you will wait until another round of movies come into town anyway…watching the same movies over and over again is getting old. Besides, the other movie goers will appreciate you no longer blurting out the ending as it has become so familiar to you

WEEK 7

1. Realize that all of your passions and hobbies that were once therapeutic have become redundant chores
2. Consider therapy to help ease the anxiety of the “Black Hole” you were once so excited about
3. After checking on your dwindling retirement savings, you cannot justify therapy sessions
4. Call physician instead to see if they can increase your dosage of “happy meds”
5. Cancel weekend glamping trip with the sisterhood because your glamper has two flat tires after roofers patched/repaired a leak on the overextended lifespan of your roof…and left nails in the driveway upon their departure
6. Pour a glass of wine at 9AM
7. Question why your dog scowls at your halitosis. After all why brush your teeth as long as you are in your pj’s and slippers…even if it is 3PM

WEEK 8

1. Get a job. If you are lucky, your former employer may have an opening for a coffee maid since no one can get past the master mind who takes the last of the coffee and fails to put on another pot.
2. Practice putting on makeup again…may take a few attempts before remembering in what order to apply the pore-clogging cakes and powders. If necessary wash face and start over until you reach that ah-ha moment.
3. Shave the forest you have been cultivating on your legs and arm pits for the last 8 weeks
4. Tread your way thru pajamas, slippers and retirement grunge wear to locate  appropriate work attire that will accommodate 20 additional pounds
5. Look for the anonymous hair clip that will inevitably be installed by 8:30 AM
6. Remove all mobile scarecrow stuffing (horse peeps can relate) before entering the office
7. Greet that talkative client with open arms and a warm smile
8. Notice that former employer has installed an automatic watering system for the struggling plant in the breezeway
9. Count two more cracks in the pavement on your route into the work site
10. Detect a mere slight improvement in the food served to the employees for lunch
11. Welcome oldest daughter home from Morocco
12. View trip photos with her and share in her enthusiasm for the experience, concluding that the financial sacrifice was a worthwhile one
13. Agree to schedule orthodontist appointment for youngest child when she claims she has lost her retainer that did not come with a replacement warranty
14. Remove makeup if you recall how
15. Say prayers and count blessings before retiring at 8PM.
16. Turn out lights as you concede that “LIFE IS GOOD”

Although I have been known to say “I simply don’t have time to go work” on numerous occasions and undoubtedly will have NO problem adjusting to retirement, I am truly thankful that I have had my career for 30 years (even if I do come with the building)… and truly blessed to have my family of colleagues and clients. Without them, I would not look forward to going to work day in and day out. They have become a part of who I am and regardless of future change in time and space, they will ALWAYS remain my family.

For those of you that remember Tassels, my alias for communication with an anonymous friend in prior years, rest assured Tassels lives on and has peacefully retired from her masterful and cunning reflections. She has some “junktivitis” but is otherwise doing well.

Tassels has been with me a long time and symbolizes multiple personality disorders of mine and thus, has become my notorious nemesis for various purposes throughout the years. Before I begin, let me start my saying that Tassels is a reflection of my childhood, adult years and parenting years. This statement is for those of you that may find it confusing as I jump around between past and present years.

It all started when I was younger and my brother rescued and brought home an embryo, of some unknown species, that had fallen out of a palm tree while camping. My mother became the unwitting surrogate for this mysterious creature. She would tend to the nurturing needs every few hours and even throughout the nights. In time, the embryo would begin to somewhat resemble that of a baby rat, skunk, raccoon… what exactly was it?

Another week would provide a positive identification of this mysterious creature… a baby squirrel. We named him Charlie. As Charlie matured, mom took him to the vet and had him neutered. She knew she would never be able to release him into the habitat from which he came and expect him to live. Once altered, Charlie became so fat, he would place his food on his stomach, as he proceeded to eat. As a result of Mom’s successful efforts, word got out and she suddenly became inundated with calls requesting assistance with rescuing / rehabilitation of orphan squirrels. The post cases were all successful and would result in release, when well. Some would return for a while but would eventually merge into the world of unknowns and independence.

While Charlie outlived any known record of squirrels living in captivity, a piece of my mother died when Charlie left this realm. She refused to dismantle the cages that were stacked in our kitchen for so many years. That day, she retired from accepting requests to foster squirrels, as the loss of Charlie was a devastating blow. My brother and I placed plants in the cages as an attempt to console my mother as she processed the grieving stages…until, one day she agreed to have my dad remove the cages to storage in the garage.

I would observe Charlie as mom let him out to exercise and scurry about the room with periodic bouts of resting on our shoulders. I would watch him hoard and hide his food as they instinctively do in the wild and I would watch Annie scold Booger (additional orphan squirrels) as she would go thru a Nesting phase, as nature intended. I would attempt to draw squirrel portraits while watching them. However, few were successful due to their restless behavior. While annoying creatures, they are nimble, curious and amusing animals that often times find themselves in compromising situations.

Unknowingly to me, Tassels was incarnated during the time of mourning the loss of Charlie. Tassels not only became my imaginary friend…but morphed into my nemesis.

As a direct descendant of my parents, I not only inherited my father’s hoarding abilities but I inherited my mother’s long, long lineage of rescuing/fostering animals. My father may argue that there is a method to his hoarding madness, called functionality, rather than collecting “dust catchers”. Now, you combine both genetics with my passion for creative arts…and you have a recipe for disaster!

Not only do I have a passion for collecting, animals and creating but I love a bargain along with the cliché that “one man’s junk is another man’s treasure. Also known as a “dumpster diva, I have been known to skid off the road should I spot a discarded item that I could potentially repurpose and bring back to life. While my dream was to become a designer, the universe had different plans for my career path. The silver lining is that I fulfill my long-lost dream with designing projects in and around the house…in other words, I RESCUE JUNK.

I remember some years ago, my daughters exclaimed, “so you are NOW decorating the yard, since you have run out of space inside”? My response was “yeah, I think we need a larger house…lol”! I have even been known to sneak my flea market treasures into the garage only to respond to a sudden discovery, “you are delirious…it has been there all along”! Never mind telling them I was storing my nuts for the winter…lol! The human girls would frequently ask me through the years if we could have a garage sale. Somehow, they seem to fancy the idea of getting things together, cleaning them, pricing them, getting the word out and sitting idle for a day while wasting “weekend warrior” time. My reply was always the same…”why would I want to enable new hoarders”? Secretly unloading thrifty finds in camouflage fatigues was far easier than getting rid of useless junk…and a lot more fun, I might add.

Tassels would emerge every so often…like when I was reminded of my hoarding tendencies with animals and junk alike. I would simply respond by saying I was the curator of my own passions and curiosities….I am a frugal explorer of junk. Besides I am an organized hoarder, unlike the reality show.

My glory almost came late last year as I pulled up to Goodwill when the phone rang. It was my mother on the other end…and like the start of most conversations, she would ask “what are you doing”? After a moment’s hesitation, I replied, “getting ready to go into “Goodwill”…empty-handed!  She said…but you haven’t gone in yet…lol! Then, there are the occasional visits to Habitat for Humanity, which for a collector is like a drunk working in a bar.

There was actually an occasion when I went thru my clothes – a lot of which I have had since high school – to donate. I gathered up the bags and dropped them off at Goodwill. Several weeks later the youngest child and I returned to Goodwill for 30 minutes of browsing and I happened upon an item I donated a few weeks earlier. I thought to myself, why in the world did I give that away?! I tried it on with the same enthusiasm as I had when I tried it on 3o years ago. You guessed it… I bought it back! I guess once a pack rat, always a pack rat!

On a more positive note, there have been occasions at work when my “pack rat” tendencies have come in handy. There is always going to be an instance when you need to provide proof of an original quote, policy or procedure. Now, my filing would not meet rhyme or reason to just anyone…BUT…give me a few seconds and Voila, I can set the record straight. It ceases to amaze clients and colleagues alike that I can not only find what I am looking for in my office but I can also produce affidavit of prior communications….even 20 years prior.

Tassels would resurrect again as I stressed the importance to my daughters to always be yourself and that it was ok to be unique…as long as you were a law-abiding citizen finding your place in this world and discovering who you are as a person. As an introvert during my youth, Tassels would remind me that it was ok to be different as long as you were happy to be you. For an example, it was ok to wear plaid with leopard, leather with camouflage, using an old display of fuses as a centerpiece on your foyer wall, sporting the piercings and tattoos while society is busy catching up to your creative, whimsical free spirit.

Decorated swingset with magical tree house in background

Child and Animal Kingdom

While I have the independent, strong, responsible, studious daughter, I also have the carefree, creative daughter who does not necessarily conform to the same square box as other students. While very intelligent, the youngest preferred leaving love notes trails from room to room at night, freelancing in creative arts, preferring alternate schooling and reading my design books in her down time.

I have watched my girls transition thru the awkward – and often times frustrating – years of their youth to finding their place in this world, knowing that they are special and unique, while having the confidence to face the unknowns of this world. They have the comfort of realizing that they are individuals in their own right – not universal expectations – and that they each have their own unique gifts and talents to offer. “Have the confidence to wear those granny boots with that lace skirt if you so desire…BUT…be happy with your chosen path to achieve happiness and most importantly be courteous and kind to others as you climb the tree to your full potential”.

As Tassels prepares to return to her winter hunting and tend to her “junktivitis and junkerneck” (a form of rubber neck from years of stretching her neck to find roadside  treasures), she would like to remind us that red squirrels are rare and unique and that it is ok to stand out from the over populated grey squirrel species…simply be you!

Dedicated to my daughters and anyone who dares to be a free spirit…

I am not a fan of establishing New Year’s Resolutions unless I have the determination and willpower to see them thru…after all, I do not like to intentionally set myself up for failure. This year, however, there are a few items I am going to diligently work on…or at least master a new record for time attempted and/or accomplished.

No worries, I will not be the one to drive by the new jogger on January 1, 2019, with the song “Eye of the Tiger” blasting from my vehicle for encouragement.

TOP 22 NEWS YEARS RESOLUTIONS

1. No more Horses! This #1 priority needs no explanation and I will see this one thru to the fullest extent.
2. No more Homestead additions! My Ark inventory is at the lowest it has been in quite a few years and I have vowed that I will not replace a family member when it is their time to “cross over”.  Well, that is not until I come face to face with that cute irresistible little bunny that will cuddle under your chin while tickling your cheeks with their whiskers. Ok, maybe I can have one rabbit when I retire and travel the country with my “Glamping Sisterhood”.
3. I will not wear flip flops to do barn chores…that is unless I want a matching reminder on my other foot why this practice should be banned and outlawed forever. This one should be relatively easy…at least for the remaining wet, winter months…
4. I will no longer feel compelled to send a photo of horse poop to my vet when it looks “off”.
5. I will no longer get annoyed when the horse poops as soon as I clean their stall. After all, in todays world of colic episodes one should feel grateful that they poop at all. If you don’t see the humor in this one, consider yourself fortunate if you have not been on “poop patrol” when there is reason to believe your horse is a little under the weather.
6. I will clean my tack more often – I mean really clean my tack – not just using a baby wipe for that instant gratification.
7. I will clean the washer and dryer immediately after washing horse clothing…NOT…after I put a load of laundry on just to realize my previous bout of procrastination. Trust me, you will only sleep on sheets with itchy horse hairs stuck throughout the thread count ONCE…you will never repeat this offense again when you look and feel like you have encountered the worst case of bed bugs ever!
8. I will not swear when I go to look for the eighth hoof pick purchased in two weeks. What is up with the mystifying disappearance of hoof picks? Ok, admittedly, I have left a hoof pick on the stall door ledge once or twice BUT really??? I can’t wait to come across the stockpile of hoof picks I have lost track of…I may as well win the lottery!
9. Do not wait until your gloves have a hole in 9 fingers before breaking out your change purse for a replacement pair.
10. Do not complete barn chores in the new pair of riding boots you coughed up your life savings for. Granted, I have been working on this one for a few months now. But let’s get real…by the time you ride, change riding boots to muck boots, hose off a sweaty horse and pick their stall before returning them to a clean dwelling, change back into riding boots from muck boots you will be replacing/repairing zippers and/or snaps before you get to your 3rd or 4th mount on week 2. I thought boot slickers would resolve this dilemma but they are just as agonizing since I have to remove them to get my heel above the zipper and out of the boot.
11. Always have a spare set of clipper blades on hand when you Body Clip a horse.
12. Always wear clothes that hair will not stick to when Body Clipping. As bad, if not worse than #7.
13. Always clean out your vehicle before a non-horsey person enters. This includes all sweaty saddle pads, various jackets for layering in different weather conditions, shake the floor mats that are lined with shavings, remove decaying carrots and apples that you forgot to give your horses, horse catalogues soiled with spilled coffee, the moldy leather halter you keep forgetting to drop off at the leather repair shop, old dirty/sweaty/smelly socks you ditched with the boots for the flip flops to run that quick errand on the way home.
14. Never wear shorts and paddock boots into the grocery store. This will certainly be the day you run into everyone you know. While I created the grunge look and could care less that I look like a homeless person, my mother has actually pretended (quite realistically, I might add) that she did not know me…AND complained to the clerk that I was stalking her when I was trying to get her attention. True Story!
15. Remove all boots, spurs, chaps, helmet and whip before going into a lingerie shop to pick up that last minute Bridal Shower gift (because you were waiting on the Farrier). If ever I had a talent, it was the time I convinced retail personnel that I was running late from the barn…and…NO, I was not part of a bachelorette party surprise but rather, I was attending a bridal shower once I got home, cleaned up and changed clothes. True story, except for the whip…I did manage to put it away before leaving the barn.
16. Create a hairstyle that compliments a sweaty helmet head…or sport a baseball cap…when leaving the barn in case you are in a fender bender. You will want to look somewhat intelligent when trying to explain to other driver that they were at fault when you rear ended them.  After all, it was not your fault that you were looking for your phone beneath all the barn paraphernalia in the vehicle…just to hear your hungry child wanting to know when you would be home.
17. Always feed your child before horse. Better yet, make certain their first responsibility is to know how to safely open a can of Vienna Sausage if they become emaciated from starvation.
18. Wash your face before going to bed…even after late nights at the barn. FYI: you can actually spritz your face with mineral water over day old makeup for work the next morning after tending to a sick horse until 2AM…this tactic should only be good for one day at a time.
19. Make sure the front room of your house is AT LEAST 50% as clean as your horse’s stall for those unsuspecting and unexpected visitors. No need to worry about the rooms behind closed doors. Remove the rooster from the chandelier, if necessary (yes, my youngest would sneak the rooster into the house when she was younger). Don’t worry about the domestic rodents, as you will not have to worry about guests outstaying their welcome when the ferret runs under their feet chasing the chinchilla. They will suddenly remember they have a roast in the oven…lol.
20. Play tourist when you make the “once a summer venture to the beach” with a farmer’s tan. No need to explain that you only live 1/2 a block from the beach but your spare time is rather spent at the barn.
21. Try to keep a pair of barn shoes (that don’t smell like packed sardines) in your vehicle for those emergency runs to meet the vet from work. Never mind that they will not compliment a corporate suit…the vet will appreciate your effort to assist while they perform the menial task of observing your described “something just seems off today” behavior with the horse.
22. Do yourself a favor…if you use wraps/bandages/boots on a horse for a specific purpose, do not skip routine on a rainy day just because it will save you a load of laundry. This will be the day he will surely slip in the mud. Better to have a safe, sound horse than to worry about tending to gear that will need cleaning/washing after riding.

HAPPY NEW YEAR ————

Several weeks ago, I happened upon a conversation with two fellow Boarders at the Barn. The topic of this conversation was “how do you know when you have found the right horse and/or equine companion?” As one peep joined in by saying that she knows as soon as she sits on a prospect, the other peep looked at me and said “how do you know…how did you manage to find your sweet girls?”

Although I have never been prompted to give this question any thought before now, I replied to her inquiry before I could even process the question thoroughly. The old adage “Beauty is in the EYE of the beholder.” I never analyzed my logic or reasoning before now…BUT…my answer, without a doubt, is ” I know when I look into their eyes”.  They say eyes are the mirror to the soul.

Lets go back several decades when I grew up riding at CPHS. I certainly had my fair share of equine projects thru the years, whether I leased, owned or simply put my life on the line working green babies.  Thru all of the tears that were shed when it was time for project to move on, there was…and always will be…one horse that has forever remained close to my heart. Her name was Johnny Sue. It is my opinion that she was the greatest mare to ever come into my hands. I don’t remember the exact story that came with her but I want to say it had something to do with a hay supplier. She was a small dark bay mare that was pretty nondescript with the exception of a brand and THE MOST GORGEOUS BEDROOM EYES I HAVE EVER SEEN. However, those same eyes would tell me her own story. She was a green, tense and extremely forward little mare.

With some time and lots of work, Johnny Sue transformed into a soft, relaxed star waiting to be born. I had grown so attached to this little mare…but like so many others before her…Linda felt it was time to place her on the Market. Coincidentally, it would be about this same time, I would leave for Ocala Florida to work with a riding trainer that we had been showing with. Once I settled into my new adventures, I brought Ben (my Training Level Eventing companion of ten years) with me to try and sell. In no time, Don had sold him to the Windex/Draino founder. Linda then asked me if I would like to take Johnny Sue since she had not sold her, yet, because she needed the room for upcoming babies. Without one moment’s hesitation, I agreed to take JS until she sold. Once on board, Don immediately saw the same beauty and talent in her, as I had/did. He said “her show name will be Brand New” due to her being new on property and the brand that bestowed her. A side note here: there is a story behind every name that Don allocates to his sale projects…most good and some not so good. I would eventually learn to read into their show names to have a better understanding of the horses and their temperament, conduct, personalities, habits and vices.

I had a few weeks to ride JS at home before she was slotted to attend a show in Newberry. Don nominated a fellow rider to show her since he was more petite in stature and therefore, more suitable to ride my favorite little mare. JS took stage and shined like the celebrity she was always meant to be. It was time for me to navigate my separation anxieties once again, as JS sold before we even left the show grounds that weekend.

For my remaining tenure in Ocala, I chose not to look for another horse since the work load left no time to tend to a personal horse. We were on the road more than we were home and it would not have been fair to any future equine companion…or myself. As we were encroaching on the season where I would return home, we were attending a show in Kentucky. During lunch break, I encountered a small group of kids giggling  as they were eating the concession delicacies they had just obtained moments earlier. Standing next to them was a horse and rider waiting their turn to show. Unbeknownst to the rider, her horse was eating a hot dog right out of the hands of one of the kids. I marveled at this sight and thought to myself what a personality that horse had…and to accomplish this task without so much as drawing any attention to his endeavor. I scooted back to the barn to get my next contender ready to show.

Continue reading “Beauty is in the EYE of the beholder”

Although the honey badger truly takes on a life form and has been used in various contexts thru the years, the urban meaning, as it applies to this blog, is one who fearlessly surpasses a work in progress or amateur status when it comes to an unfamiliar skill.

Lets go back to an earlier blog, The Enchantress for a moment. In reference to the tree that fell during a storm that wiped out the entire outside barn (with the exception of Hoover’s stall) one night. We were extremely lucky during this incident, as Hoover was the only horse inside that night…everyone else had the night rotation for turn-out. Once all of the horses were accounted for and deemed safe after the storm, Linda called in a tree service to remove the massive tree from the once standing structure so that repair work could begin.

The next day, the crew showed up to handle the task at hand. This is where I would meet Ross, who would eventually be my husband and the father of our two girls. Fast forward thru the courtship years and marriage to the point of this Blog. As many men can testify, it takes a lot of courage to take on a horse woman and the life that intertwines with the horse world.

Ross established a tradition, beginning with Hoover, of bringing a bouquet of grass and weeds, deemed safe by the horse crazy wife, whenever he came to the barn. Uncertain of his real intention by this particular gesture, he claims it was his attempt to avoid becoming a sacrificial lamb while in the presence of the giant beasts.  Mind you, Hoover was as wide as he was tall…so although he was not the gargantuan giant that Ben was, his size could indeed be intimidating to the non horse person.

Ross’s journey with Hoover and I would include attending shows. After all, if Ross had any hope of keeping up with me, this would include tagging along with us, even if it meant that he would much rather be fishing on his weekend off from work. This endeavor would include succumbing to the idea that Hoover thought Ross made a very nice scratching post, especially once Hoover adorned braids in preparation for the show ring.

This journey would also include changing a flat tire on the side of the interstate, while in route to a show… followed by taking the trailer in to nearest shop on Saturday for a replacement tire. The silver lining to this incident is that Ross would be able to escape the typical “Honey Do” list at the show grounds while tending to the necessary task enabling us to get home on Sunday. After all, his vision of being stuck in this treacherous realm more than 3 consecutive days was more than he could bear…lol.

There were a few shows where the winter weather was so cold, Ross would retreat to the vehicle with one of Hoover’s various blankets to try and thaw out his frozen joints with the vehicle heater running on maximum. He would make every attempt to get to the ring in time to watch 2-3 scheduled classes, disguised as an alien, wrapped up in blankets from head to toe. After some careful consideration and observation, he most often would succeed in this attempt without drawing unnecessary attention to himself or to other horses trying to distinguish the mummified body traipsing through the grounds. On other occasions, he would simply watch from the warm vehicle, only to remark later that he found it absolutely amazing Hoover could clear the large obstacles (jumps) with his astounding weight.

The journeys home would often include him driving. Yes, it took a while for me to have the confidence that Ross was perfectly capable of returning Hoover and I home safely. After all, Ross had plenty of practice driving his off-shore boat to Miami and other venues for fishing tournaments. This generous endeavor allowed me to retire my tired and weary body, if just briefly, to take a much needed nap. After all, there were still chores to be done once we arrived back home.

Once Hoover began to phase into retirement,  I set out to find a suitable young replacement. This prospect would have huge shoes to fill (figuratively and literally), and I eventually settled into the realization that the feat would be an impossible one. Once I ceased comparing apples to oranges, I found myself making arrangements to review a possible candidate. Ross agreed to go with me to Virginia to review my next potential project. Halfway to our destination, we mutually decided to return home with the vehicle and trailer and fly to Virginia. The weather reports that were emerging were calling for ice and snow and we determined that we were less than prepared to haul a horse home under those kind of weather conditions. Fly, we did, despite my severe apprehension of flying. Once Princess had been tried, reviewed and purchased, Ross and I headed home to make arrangements to have her commercially shipped in to her new home. Once home, Ross would again greet his newest “wolf in sheep clothing” with a bouquet of grass. After Princess’s approval, Ross let out a sigh of relief and retreated home before the horse crazy wife would begin reciting, “honey, could you please…”

Fast forward thru Princess’s formidable years, Hoover was placed to rest, at 38 years of age, under the shade tree where he would take his final rest. By this time, I began exploring opportunities for another young prospect to replace Princess in Ami-Owners so that I could give her the easier task of showing in Adult Amateur. This would help to preserve Princess’s longevity, as it was a tirelessly daunting task for her to gallop down the 3’6 lines. Her heart & effort never once disappointed… and for that (and so much more)…I felt that I owed her the job that she loved but one she could accomplish without so much effort.

When I found Rose in Virginia, I did not feel the need to make a pre-purchase journey since the seller was someone I knew from my Ocala days. Ross was beyond relief to know he would not be required to embark on this part of the journey with me, especially since he still sported scars from my grips on the last flight.

Little did Ross know the fun was just beginning. While traveling with one horse to shows can leave a honey badger feeling accomplished, traveling with two can be quite a challenge. Since Ami-Owners would frequently follow Adult amateurs, I found it much easier to simply take Princess and Rose down to the ring simultaneously. Ross would once again become a scratching post while holding one horse until I completed showing the other one for the day.

Ross learned to really appreciate the “down time” between shows, while I enjoyed my solo time at home or taking the horses for a leisure stroll thru the woods, marsh, beach, Gascoigne Park, etc…any deviation from the schooling/showing schedule that had become more cumbersome than enjoyable by that time in my life. Eventually, the “good mares” were encroaching on the inevitable longer breaks in their show schedule as our tiny humans entered the picture.  As these tiny humans became medium size humans, their interest in horses would continue to grow with them. Then the day came when the girls would begin riding and I would once again embark on a journey to find a third wheel so that I could accompany them on rides.

History would repeat itself, as Godiva entered the picture as the third wheel. Ross greeted her as she unloaded from the semi trailer, with TWO welcome bouquets of grass, as he was aware that she would be twice the size of any horse he had bribed before. Ross’s engagement this time around would prove to be much less demanding since motherhood left me with no desire to return to the endless travel anytime soon. Two distinctive differences with Ross’s job description this time around would involve moving jumps from the back field to the front field when Godiva arrived. While Princess and Rose never paid any mind to the jumps, Godiva would toss them around like her favorite new toys. Secondly, when we realized that the original fencing built in the 70’s would no longer sustain Godiva’s weight when she would scratch from the no seams, Ross set out to reinstate security with electrical wiring. He and Willie (native to CPHS) would spend an undetermined number of hours to complete this undertaking around the entire perimeter fencing.

There were also the few occasions Ross and Willie would transfer truck loads of dirt to the stalls in order to raise the footing above island sea level prior to returning the stall mats to proper placement. Instead of the traditional dragging loads of dirt to the stalls on a an oversized tarp, Ross followed Willie’s lead and finally learned it would be much easier to back the truck up to the individual stall windows and simply shovel the dirt over the threshold.

A few weeks later, as I notified Ross that I was taking the “towing package” in to be serviced, he suddenly had this look of panic in his expression, which I had never before witnessed. Without any warning, he replied by asking…that trailer will be empty when you return, will it not?” Having said that, it may be a good time to point out that we have always financed our individual interests on our own behalf. So although, Ross has never been held accountable for the passion I had before we met, he has been more than generous with the time, support and encouragement he has invested in a hobby that he inherited by default…but may have now reached his threshold.

While a naïve stranger to the horse world 22 years ago (and a clueless victim at best), Ross endured the never ending abuse and always having his ladies’ backs (humans and horses alike) to surpassing even the most vulnerable newbies to the sport. He not only graduated at the top of his class but he has earned the elusive BUT well deserved title of HONORARY HONEY BADGER.

Just as Ross begins to think retirement is just around the corner and has posted a sign at the entrance of his man cave reading “RETIRED…ASK CRAZY HORSE LADY”, he suddenly hears the all too familiar pitch come over his speaker phone…”Honey, could you…”

Several Days ago, my youngest daughter asked me if we were going to decorate for the Fall, as we have traditionally done over the years. My answer: Nah, probably not. Her response: how come? Without thinking it thru, I said: “You and your sister are older now and neither of you are around enough anymore to justify the means necessary to put forth the task”.  Next, the following defensive remark: “I know Morgan is away at College but I am still here. Besides, Morgan will be home for the Holidays”. Feeling like a heel because I was insensitive to her desire to carry on with the tradition, I began to ponder “how old is too old to enjoy participating in traditions and the memories that comes with it”?

Ever since I can remember, Fall has always been my favorite season. While not as scenic as in the higher country, one can always look forward to the cooler season over the hot & humid summers of the South Georgia coastal region. Some of my favorite memories and pastimes of Fall include:

1. Decorating – While pumpkins are my weakness, the girls and I always look forward to thinking outside of the box for new creations each year. We commence by pulling the Fall decorations out of the attic and making a list of “haves” “needs” and “wants to make this event even more spectacular than the prior year. Now as exciting as this sounds, going into the attic when it is still 90 (+) degrees outside, treading through cobwebs and watching for that rat, snake or spider that may be lurking in the shadows is not my idea of fun.
   

   

   

   

   

   

2. Making s’ mores over the fire pit in the back yard, while nestling in flannel blankets. While this always sounds like a romantic’s nostalgia, the reality is more like attire is shorts and tee shirt, sweltering by the mere though of a fire in 90 (+) degree weather and being eaten alive by sand gnats.
3. Baking pumpkin bread for neighbors, friends and family. Although good intentions, the end result would be 60% less than calculated because you had to discard the charred loaves.
4. Attending Fall Festivals…just beware that the candied apples, cotton candy and funnel cake is not good for the senior gut flora.
5. Attending the annual fair…while not my idea of fun for someone who suffers from vertigo, my girls can usually manage to get me to ride the Teacup. This accomplishment usually takes place solo, as the girls would be ever too embarrassed for their friends to witness them riding such a “baby” ride. After that, I stand in all of the lines until the girls are secured in their seats, feet aching, so desperately wanting to be home watching Hocus Pocus for another annual round. After the dedicated attempt of being a good mother through this treacherous feat and observing the girls riding all of the available rides – not once but two and three times each, we retreat the dusty, crowded grounds as I mumble to myself this will definitely become the “honey, you MUST do” list for their Dad from now on.
6. Planning Halloween costumes… I vow every year, that I am going to design/and make costumes for the girls…only to find myself running to CVS at the last minute to grab what costumes have been picked over, whether they have remained in tact or not.
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   Morgan

8. 

   Camping…our camping excursions would typically take place in the Fall. I love everything about camping, especially since I have always been in touch with nature and love being outside. Although I can hang with the best of campers, it is not “glamping” when you return home only to find yourself making daily visits to the chiropractor when the pop-up camper does not comfortably sleep 4. Several nights of conforming your body into some wicked contortion so as to not suffocate the human or canine sleeping next to you, leaves one yearning for their own bed.

9. Hiking…not a favorite with the younger humans since they do not believe in unnecessary exertion of energy. The motivating factor, here, is to look for the largest and/or most unusual leaves that closely resemble a potential Fall place card or  object for Fall garland.
10. Carving pumpkins…not hands or fingers

11. Picnics – ok, well the home made lunch packed in the picnic basket and checkered table cloth did not exist in our world. But eating take-out from KFC on the truck tail gate was a great substitute, especially to escape the ants and dogs waiting for any crumble to drop for their taking.

12. School Proms – Teens spending months planning for this event, from dresses, shoes, hair style and makeup

13. Seining – Not your typical Fall event but Seining begins in the Fall. After my first few outings of fighting mosquitos on shore and/or freezing my ass off in the water, I left the duty of bringing home fresh shrimp to Ross. I could not drink enough alcohol to succumb to the misery involved in this coastal tradition.

14. Thanksgiving – my favorite Holiday of the year! With any luck, you may be able to slip into family dinner and no one will notice that you did not have time to prepare a dish because you were too busy trying to salvage what fresh seafood you could from the garage freezer when the breaker tripped .

Well then, you would think, from reading this blog, that I feel that Fall is overrated. Quite the contrary…lol! I love everything about Fall…from the pain to the surrealism. It is a time in which we can slow down, reflect, involve and gather…a time for making cherished memories…and finally a time we can appreciate indulging our inner child.

Fall 2018

2018 Season Premier