53 things I have learned in 53 years of life

While this list could easily be 200 (+) things I have learned in life, I opted to go with one lesson learned for each year I have lived thus far in this particular Blog. However, you may expect sequels to appear in the future.

Give me a sentence to diagram any day of the week BUT do not expect me to figure out an Algebra III word problem.
When you are blessed to grow up with 4 generations under one roof and an abundance of varying opinions, do NOT bring up Politics or Religion. While you have two generations that are devout Democrats and Methodist, one generation that is Republican and Catholic without any apologies, you have the youngest generation who only cares about whose house or vehicle will suffer the wrath of egg or toilet paper schemes that day.
Me, Morgan, Maternal Grandmother, Mom… Maternal Great Grandmother had passed by this time.
Establish family rituals and traditions. In our household, we had pizza together as a family in the den on Sunday evenings after church and watched Animal Kingdom. This was the youngest generation’s reward for not partaking in the likes of putting toy spiders on the elder lady’s shoulder seated in the pew in front of you during High Mass.
I was an introvert by nature so school was exceptionally painful for me. You could not pay me enough money to go back to that era of my life. On the other hand, my acquired expertise in raising children in the millennial era may just have students and peers running for shelter at the nearby parochial convent at the school you previously attended.
Additionally, I absolutely hated summer camp, as a result of being so shy. The best summers for me were spending all day at the barn…and night if superior authorities allowed.
When it takes 4 trips to the auto repair shop (and payments) to get the AC working again, borrow a trick from your youngest offspring: Stuff paper towels between your armpits and clothing to absorb the sweat until you reach your destination. WORD OF CAUTION: don’t answer your cell phone on the way into the office and forget to remove the “stuffing” before you run into your Director in the hallway.
Drawing still life is far more rewarding than drawing conclusions. For an example, do not put a child in time out in the guest bathroom while you finish dinner in the adjacent kitchen. Otherwise, the forgotten pair of scissors in bathroom cabinet + belligerent child = vengeful hair cut disaster. CONCLUSION: You learned a more important lesson in this case
Only when you have a mouth full of food, will a table guest ask for your life history
My time off from work is independently owned and operated
On the contrary, during child rearing years, when asked about your weekend plans, you respond with “IDK…check with my younger co-inhabitants”…I am certain they have my entire weekend planned out for me.
Mom, Dad & I (pregnant with Jordan)
Although a very stressful transition, relish your newfound freedom when offspring are able to drive. Be prepared to have a TO DO list for child when they run out of gas. Their earnings will buy you more serenity.
I can be looking for my phone in the dark for 10 minutes before I realize I have been using the flashlight on my phone looking for my phone.
Weekends are less than rewarding for me because I get depressed on Saturdays as I begin to dread Sundays…all because because I go back to work on Monday.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send or publish
Today’s eyeliner can be tomorrow’s smokey eye with some imagination
I can’t wait until sweatshirt weather so I can wear yesterday’s clothing in disguise
I just cleaned the house from chimney to basement…so everyone that lives in the house must move out, including the neighborhood kids and their cousins.
My biggest hope is that my children one day will be leaders in their career and not leading a gang in jail
When windshield wipers are required, I always compare the speed setting on mine to other drivers to make certain I am not over-reacting
I have learned to kick a child’s toy after I trip over it.
I have learned to curse like a sailor when I get behind two trucks on the highway…one going 55 MPH in the right lane and the other going 55 1/2 MPH in the left lane.

Morgan

Jordan

Mo & Jo
I have learned to require a child of mine to read one book for every time they summons me to fetch something for them.
I still push on a pull door
When you are stretching and you know you have reached the threshold of ahhhh, you should cease right then and there before you push your luck to WTF…call the ambulance!
If you need an immediate response from child(ren), send a text…do not bother calling. They somehow do not hear the phone ringing but they will miraculously respond to a text.
Likewise, when you are looking for your child(ren) in Target, best results occur when you text “what is your location”?
Staring at the screen of incoming call, muttering to oneself “if you need me, text me”…no need for unnecessary conversation.
Observing people on house hunters wanting more room for entertaining guests, while all I desire is to have a moat around my house with gators.
Remember you have a dinner engagement and start psyching yourself up for the event 6 hours prior.
When you have been trying to get your child(ren)’s attention…to no avail…until you are on toilet, on phone or watching your favorite weekly show
Dread Spring when you begrudgingly have to put forth the energy and effort to shave your legs
To your offspring, “Maybe” will always mean later in time “No fair, you promised”!
You will always be “stupid” in your child(ren)’s eyes.
You are not allowed to be seen in public with offspring unless they pick out acceptable attire for you to wear.
Offspring will never put food or beverage up unless container is empty.
Wonder what stranger is living in your house should you find toilet paper replaced when empty.
Since I am not a liar, I do not buy “welcome” door mats.
Find yourself calling one or both offspring “I did not do it” instead of by their name(s).
There is never a hungrier child than one at bedtime.
Learn the new symbols for multiplication and division …traditional symbols are no longer valid when assisting with homework
Attend Grad School in order to continue assisting offspring with their homework
Learn that your teenagers appear out of nowhere when they need something, especially money $$$$
Table manners
Have alarm system reinstated and bars installed on the windows to keep inhabitants inside the house at night. This is only if they should figure out how to dodge the Jerusalem Thorn (you purposely planted outside of their windows) without injury.
Hide your vehicle keys under your pillow when sleeping with teens in the house
You are a certified boxing ring referee if you are lucky enough to graduate from child rearing years
You have prepared dinner only to find out all of the neighborhood kids and their cousins are spending the night
You can even intimidate your inner demons when you are disciplining offspring that inherited same demons
You can count on offspring begging for a shopping day ONLY after you pay Peter and Paul.
You can spend $100 less if you can manage to get to the Grocery store without offspring
Teenagers will only find their way home or remember your phone number 2-3 days before Birthdays and Christmas to have you believing they are still worthy of your gift offerings. NOTE TO MY OFFSPRING: I caught on to this tactic years ago 🙂
Learn the hard way that BULL FROG sunscreen is way too harsh to use on toddlers. You will learn this, unfortunately, when you have to rush your prickly cactus to ER after a few minutes at the Beach
Build memories with offspring NOTE: Not the kind when you allowed Junior to ride on the bottom of the shopping cart at Target just to have your outing cut short from a blood curdling screaming child that had a fingernail ripped off when they stuck their hand in the path of a moving cart wheel. You will have every shopper wonder if they should call the police or child services when you escort the wounded warrior out of the store.
Feel your child(ren)’s pain when they reveal their mistake in asking POPPY to help them with their homework. With a look of utter shock, you reply “OMG…no you didn’t”! NEVER, NEVER, EVER ask POPPY for help unless you plan to tread your way thru spider webs of time to make your escape. Your desperate child, barely holding back tears, returns an evil eye and exclaims, “…and you decide to tell me that now”?!