Quid Pro Quo (sequel to 53 lessons learned in 53 years of life)

• Learn the hard way that even if you have an empty horse trailer, you MUST still go through the weigh station.
• Learn to stay updated on certificate regulations at the weigh station when transporting horses. For an example, when you discover the state revised expirations on Health Certificates (unbeknownst to you) the day before you leave for an event in Florida, you have two options: (1) call Dr. Nunn’s office in Kingsland to see if he can come out at a moment’s notice to exam/produce the necessary updates (2) Against your better judgement, allow your Dad to go in to talk with the authorities. Wait the mere two minutes before your Dad reappears to say “you are set, go in and sign the paperwork”. In total shock, you hesitate before entering the hub station only to find the officer wiping sweat from his forehead. When you retrieve the pen from the officer’s trembling hands, he remarks that your father was either a General in the Army or a Priest but that he does not care to find out…just have updated paperwork before returning.
• Learn that it is not advisable to try and keep up with your horse trainer when following her to a Horse Show…unless you plan on getting pulled for speeding. When the officer approaches your vehicle, you hear the inevitable question, “May I ask why you were speeding”? When you respond by saying, “ah…because I was following my rider trainer to a horse show…”? The officer looks up and asks, “is her name ___  ___”? Me: “Yes…why”? Officer: “Because I just pulled her 10 minutes ago for speeding, also. I tell you what…I will waive the ticket and give you a warning this time since your story is credible. BUT, slow down and remove your radar detector since it is illegal in the state of Florida…it obviously is not working in your favor, anyway”.
• When your horse is returned from off-site custody with Canker, seek out alternatives to surgery.  Aside from the costly expense, lay-overs, quite possibly multiple surgeries to remove all of the canker, it is not favorable to put a 2,000 pound horse on a surgical table without risks. Seek out your Ocala vet/farrier regime for advice. Gather intelligence so that when your farrier suggests that you are wasting your time, you can provide him with testimonies to solidify your decision to try the alternative route. Work with your local vet to obtain the alternative medication (although holistic in nature, it will still require a prescription). NOTE: this protocol will require dedication, effort, patience, time…AND strength. Since Draft horses are more prone to canker, it is not easy to clean, medicate and bandage a draft horse 2 x day for any length of time…perhaps the reason most people opt for surgery(ies). 13 months later…viola…canker gone! Pat yourself on the back for this successful endeavor, as well your local small animal vet for ordering the medication, the farrier that assisted you through this long process… and ultimately, the recommendations from your former regime.
• Learn to have an overstock of mufflers on hand due to  your commutes to/from the barn in the early days before Lawrence Road was paved. Eventually, the shoulders of the road will become as rough as the main road due to overachievers. Empty all bladders and drinks before you veer onto Lawrence Road. Inspect for loose engine or vehicle body parts when you reach destination. You could always lean on Dru as an example…he resorted to duct tape and hay string to keep his wagon held together through the years.
• Once Lawrence Road is paved, you will need to install deer whistles under your vehicle. While speeding was not even a consideration on the prior washboard, one will easily overlook their high rate of speed on the silky new pavement…that is, until the universe of man and beast collide. As a backup, have your collision insurance up to date.
• While most days you have a talent for behaving like someone tore your warning label off, you can improve your mood by grabbing a colleague’s keys (while they are perusing work campus) and move their car to the other side of the parking lot. This prank will improve your mood for at least a week.
• Writer’s block is when your imaginary friends refuse to talk to you
• When you ask your youngest millennial what her dream job would be…only to have her respond by saying “in my dreams, I don’t work”.
• Since I only clean when I am disturbed, you may think twice about your impromptu visit if the house appears clean when I open the Front Door.
• On the other hand…when I act like I am wanted for murder when someone knocks at my door
• Stow away pot holders or cooking mitts in your vehicle to use when the steering wheel has been baking in the sun…all because a colleague zipped in from the wrong direction as a desperate attempt to grab the last shady parking spot before you could (more than likely the same colleague you played the prank on a few days prior).
• When you run into your OBGYN at the Grocery store, while the youngest is practicing her gymnastics inside and under the buggy and customer service is calling for assistance on aisle 9 to attend to your other child climbing on the shelves to reach the fruit roll-ups…only to hear OBGYN say “I only deliver them – I do not accept returns”. You: “Oh, but this is a good day”.
• When OBGYN’s wife walks up a few seconds later, asking “what do you do on a bad day”?  Me: I amuse myself by clicking on the ADD TO CART button.
• I have observed some of my younger friends carry their children to their bedrooms when they fall asleep watching TV. When they voluntarily respond to my look of horror by saying “don’t tell me you have never had to do this”? Me: “Ah, hell no! Teleporting was never introduced into our household due to my bad back, knee and hip from prior sporting injuries. I simply tell my girls they better get to their room by bedtime because the monster alarm will only go off in occupied bedrooms…and I have never had a problem! I am a southern woman, my main method of warfare is psychology.
• Although I grew up in the South, I will not participate in the “seven layers of good-bye”.  If I sense the following is getting ready to occur, I will slip out like a chameleon: (1) Well, I had better get going (2) Bye (3) Hug (4) Stay in touch (5) See you this weekend, if not before (6) Another Bye in the doorway (7) Final bye with a wave from vehicle. My mother would shudder to think that she taught me better than this but this repetitive non-sense is non-productive and in some cases (when you actually care) it just prolongs the agony.
• Don’t call me into the room to read something at 25% unless you have the capability to zoom in at Billboard size. Although I am gaining insight with my aging years, my eyesight lays in your hands should you take the last adult beverage from the fridge
• Learn that hopper flights are planes so small that there is one person to load/unload the passengers, load/unload the luggage, fly the plane, serve refreshments while plane is on auto pilot. You will need to load the plane via rolling ladder on the tarmac, so best to ditch the high heels until you are safely on the ground at your destination. Don’t forget to duck when you load/unload the plane and walking to/from your seat. WARNING: take your motion sickness medication in advance, since you will feel every movement on the small “bird”…even in good atmospheric conditions.
• Learn that when you become ill, even on the tour of Pearl Harbor, it may be best to forgo your 20th year work anniversary cruise-cation. You can opt out for cash value and pay for your stall fees (minus training fees and class fees) at the next horse show, instead.
• When you and date decide to enter Emmeline & Hessie’s Halloween costume contest as the Grape Ape, you under estimate the size of the land cruiser you will be using to travel .  Furthermore, you have planned to join/escort several other couples to this event. Never fear…another useful function for your horse trailer. Since you make a practice of keeping trailer pristine, all you need to do is remove petition, add seating, portable radio for music, adult beverages in cooler, turn on interior lighting and you are on your way to second prize!
• When you are raised with original island settlers, you have a multitude of Aunts and Uncles. Most of us kinfolk are distantly related while others were an early learned salutation…”fictional relatives”, if you will. ⁰ If you insist on climbing our family tree to figure out our entire genealogy, be prepared to have Ross rescue you with his bucket truck when you get stuck just beyond the halfway mark.
• When you join the Golden Isles Scanner FB page to find your teenager’s possible whereabouts. Although you have been very fortunate that your offspring have not made the headline news thus far, you remain a member of GIS just in case, as you are not completely out of the woods, yet.
• The heart jolting reaction you have when GIS notifies members of a new post, you quickly sift through the comments in search of make and model of vehicle, status of post and description of suspects and/or victims.
• To my offspring, know that your momma can defeat your millennial ass and hunt you down to the very corner of your existence…even a different state…because she loves you more than you will ever know!
• Funny how you don’t think of capturing memories on film until you have children. Take as many pictures while you can, because there will be a day when your offspring will avoid having their photos taken just to be obstinate…BUT…they are more than happy to share their selfies with their circle of friends on social media
• Realize that the reason for your insomnia after 1AM (aside from menopause) is that you grew accustomed to sleeping with one eye open during your offspring’s teenage years. If you are able to skip these early morning hours without GCPD knocking on your front door during your graveyard shift, you can resort to blogging as I have done. With any luck, you may be able to fall back to sleep at 4AM. However, be prepared when your alarm goes off at 5AM…you will feel like you have the worst hangover on record…and not related to over-consumption of adult beverage. If your sleep mode is delayed and you wake up at 3 AM instead of 1 AM, best to just stay up…you will feel much better when it is truly time to be awake.
• Trust that when GCPD shows up at your door and recites your offspring’s name(s), there is no use trying to convince yourself – or them – that your monsters are safely tucked in their beds sleeping like little angels. After all, they did not fall far from the apple tree, now did they? Be honest… “cause that dog won’t hunt”.
• I still can’t fly or set things on fire with my mind BUT I can damn sure call offspring(s) first, before returning a phone call to GCPD, First Responders, Hospital, offspring’s School, job, their friend’s parents, etc… There is something reassuring to know, firsthand, what is about to blindside you before you actually return the phone call.
• The above scenario works in the office, as well. When an irate customer is being referred to you, demand the entire history book on the guest before being fed to the piranhas.
• Hijack the next lesson from Momma Bootsie (a fictional Momma on the family tree), who will be 91 this month. You can iron clothes by sitting on them while watching Netflix.
• When your offspring reach the inevitable point when they want to run to greener pastures and your youngest even learns the new word & definition of “emancipation”, play along. Say “Really? In that case, let me help you pack and hold the door open for you.” Before they exit the door, hand them a release form for them to sign. Have them read it aloud to you so that you can anticipate their reaction to the statement, I, Trina Sproat, of sound mind and body, relinquish all parental rights to __________ and__________  on this date___________, to include housing, utilities, transportation, gas, insurance, food, clothing, toiletries, security, hugs, love support, encouragement, responsibility and last but not least any financial provision from here within.

OFFSPRING # 1_____________________________

OFFSPRING # 2_____________________________

GUARDIAN_________________________________

• • Learn from your Godmother’s request (when she is kind enough to take you in while transitioning to living on your own), “If you are going to stay, stay forever…if you are going to leave, leave today…and shut the door behind you. My Godmother was not one for beating around the bush…lol!

    

  • Learn the significance behind the phrase, “never teach your offspring a trade, bring in someone else to do the training”. Trust me when I say your world will be so much more pleasant without your knowledge or presence on the scene. While I did start my girls out riding due to financial constraints and inability to commit them to a lesson schedule due to their other commitments, I was ready to sell them to the highest bidder when all was said and done.
  • Learn that your offspring are perfectly happy with their lack of ambition to ride (after you refrained from slitting your wrists during combat sessions) until AFTER you ship your horses off to earn their keep while raising those same offspring.  While you are quite comfortable with your newfound sabbatical, there will not be one day without complaints from your offspring until the horses return home after a “month of Sundays”.
  • Learn to recognize the aroma of your favorite after school delight…your Grandmother in the kitchen preparing paper thin pancakes cooked in lots of butter (until the flour simply could not soak up any more oil) served with maple syrup… tastes so good, it makes me wanna “spap” my momma”!
  • Additionally, my Grandmother could make the best salmon croquettes, baked beans (with bacon and sugar), hamburgers (made with Lipton Onion Soup), Blueberry cobbler (she would cook down the blueberries with sugar), Fried tomatoes, fried potato patties, etc…
  • I would learn to drive with my Grandmother and Great Grandmother on my daily excursions to the barn. There would be one occasion when I almost sent my Great Grandmother (always the front seat passenger) into premature passing but otherwise, we all survived to endure the long sought after family dinners.

    

  • Speaking of my Great Grandmother, she looked just like the Tweety Bird lady. She was short, stern, wore glasses, had pronounced Native American features and my Grandmother would always fix her beautiful long grey hair into a bun that replicated the cartoon. I desperately wanted to call her Tweety but my parents said that a proud, dignified lady such as my Great Grandmother should be called by her proper name – Clyde. Clyde was a woman of few words but don’t think that she did not know EVERYTHING about EVERYONE! I have proven to be less intimidated in Priestess Miriam’s den.

    

  • For those of you who have not had the experience of meeting Priestess Miriam…and for the purpose of explaining the above statement further…Priestess Miriam kept snakes in her house as part of her rituals. This would be explained to me prior to my visit by a mutual friend…BUT…I was not prepared for what I would witness when I entered her lair. When PM was expecting guests, she would cover the snakes so as not to cause alarm…there were sheets draped EVERYWHERE! Perhaps, instead of a moat and gators, I could simply bring Myrtle and her relatives into the house when expecting company.
  • It would be with the same voodoo friend that introduced you to Priestess Miriam that would accompany you to Santa Fe, their home away from home in New Orleans. I would not recommend the flight into Albuquerque to anyone who is the least bit uncomfortable flying. The sideways descent onto the runway between two massive mountains will cause all of your internal organs to shift according to the laws of inertia… similar to falling 30 stories in an elevator.

    

  • Learn that Middleburg / Upperville Virginia is heaven away from home and certainly worth repeat horse shows in the future.
  • Learn that your Aunt Jo is the only person ever witnessed that can out-eat you during a hurricane “hunker down”.
  • Learn that your cousin (future celebrity relative) will be visiting for the summer. Being younger and very quiet, you do not even realize he is around for three months until you discover he has left a dollar bill on everyone’s pillow prior to his departure…Walton Goggins…”Walt” as everyone calls him.

• Walt’s mother, Aunt Janet, rode horses and we would always ride together on our visits.
• Walt’s Aunt, Aunt Dell would live on the familial homestead for a period. Aunt Dell worked with the celebrity likes of BB King, Phyllis Diller, etc. During the period Aunt Dell lived here, she scheduled for Koko Taylor to perform one night at Richards. She and I would attend the show complete with back stage passes. After the show “Pops” became ill…so I drove the four of us to the Hospital, where we remained until the doctors released “Pops” at 5AM that morning.
• Learn that writing run-on sentences is your forte’ since the voices in your head do not pause until they are completely out of breath. You really must brush up on your shorthand…
• If you should be a guest in my house, please leave the perfume at home for my birds’ sake. I wish for them to still be alive after you leave.
• Learn that you do not retaliate when your younger brother pulls your hair during an argument by throwing a bookend at him. You will find that when the bookend hits him in the temple, causing a bloody battle wound, you will be ousted to the Mason-Dixon line. When your superiors ask “what possessed you to do such a horrible thing”? Simply reply, “the spirits of my ancestors did not stop me.”
• The realistic truth no one talks about – as we age, our eyebrows and hair begin to thin but the hair on our legs still grow like weeds.
• Learning that your youngest millennial offspring is on their way to a full scholarship of turning to social media for acceptance, experiencing lows when recognition of entitlement is not acknowledged. They will graduate with honors in being  lazy under-achievers, holding the couch down until noon and having the occasional low paying entry level job…enough to pay for their monthly phone data. Oh, and God forbid if they should lose their umbilical cord…the essential phone charger.

BONUS: After your offspring signs the parental waiver, your youngest one turns around and says, “Oh, by the way, can you drop me off at Suzie’s house”?

BONUS: Things that will upset your teenager: (1) say good morning (2) say I love you in public (3) Tag them on social media (4) simply breathing (5) sing any 70’s song…my favorite is “Devil Woman”.

Author: pegasus8mywings

Full time mother of two teenage girls with a full time job and Noah's Ark on the side. View all posts by pegasus8mywings