Dear Secret Santa

Last week we received a Secret Santa List to fill out at work, as we do each year. As I began to fill out my wish list according to the same annual verbatim, it strikes me that it may be fun to elaborate a little on this historical tradition that takes place every December.

Those that know me well, know that I live to eat and not the other way around! More often than not, I have a surplus of grazing food in my office. If I should be low on inventory for some reason, I will stalk every team member, looking for food. If coworkers are unwilling to share, they make every effort to quiet the wrappers when going for the gold. Otherwise, I immediately tune in to the sounds of food or someone getting ready to indulge in my greatest weakness… and the prowl is on!

FAVORITE SNACKS:

Black Pepper and Sea Salt Popcorn – my favorite brand is Abound (can be found at CVS)…but any brand will do. If you need me and I am not at my desk, simply follow the trail of popcorn behind me.

Blue Diamond Rosemary and Olive Oil Almonds – Can be found at Harris Teeter. You can skip the sarcastic gift card that says “you are what you eat”. I know I am nuts but save this creative gesture for the fruit cake you will be re-gifting someone else.

Cashews – not the chintzy pieces but the whole cashews. I am all about “Big Bang for your Buck” kinda gal.

York Peppermint Patties – Found at most any Food outlet. Better get me two bags since I have discovered that my Partner in Crime will come into my office on a frequent basis sniffing out this favorite delicacy.

Starbuck’s Cranberry Bliss Bars – sold during the Christmas Holiday Season. HINT: sold by the box :):):)

FAVORITE DRINKS:

Cafe du Monde coffee – Found at Harris Teeter. No substitutes, please. I have spent over half a century as a coffee connoisseur and there simply is not another brand that holds a candle to this leaded caffeine…not even Starbuck’s!

Bottled Water – I prefer Dasani purified Water – to wash down the sedatives at work

Beer – Ice House (bottles only) is my first choice, as it is cheap but cannot be found just anywhere. Convenience store next to Bennie’s Red Barn carries Ice House by the case. Leave the singles for Jimmy, as the store manager stocks inventory of each, according to our weekly consumption. If an imposter thwarts the inventory count, Budweiser beer (bottles only) will suffice. NOTE: Light beer (or diet food ) of any kind is unacceptable. I prefer the real deal and raw calories.

Single serving liquors – that I can hide in my desk drawer

Meds – to cope with the bat shit crazies during work – Xanax is preferred choice but anything that will numb the effects of stupidity will do

I COULD USE MORE:

(No) more forms to fill out

Days Off – like 6 months twice a year

Whoopie cushion – for the overrated meetings throughout the week. If authentic effects are preferred, summons for some of Momma Bootsie’s bean soup or ask Chef to prepare beanie weenies for lunch.

Money – Especially since Christmas is a time when you watch your money magically disappear. After all, I am still paying for last year’s Christmas… and spending next year’s money for this Christmas .

Sleep – you know…the early bird special prior to the “happy hour” before the alarm goes off.

Headphones – the socially acceptable way to ignore people

“Leave me the hell alone” essential oil

Dumbrella – umbrella to shield one self from dumb shit

Personality meter – to forewarn colleagues, since I have at least 10 different personalities.

Time – to shave my legs…even if it should be 1/2 a leg each day

Personal phone recording – ask IT (Bob) to install a recording on your phone “this call will be monitored or recorded to detect tone and mood. Press #1 if you are calm and and rational. Press #2 if you are training to die. Have IT install another recording on your phone, “yesterday was the last day for all complaints”. Alternate recordings according to mood swings.

Emergency supplies – toothbrush, toothpaste, brush, hair clip, deodorant, etc – for the years you are on the “two kids” sleep schedule. Worst case scenario, Bellmen stock these supplies behind the Front Desk. Leftover makeup and clothes from the day before will suffice. Simply wear your face mask until you are marked safe in your home after work.

For the crafty souls – a homemade sign for my office door that reads ” I am awake…please respect my privacy during this difficult time”. Other side reads “Safe to Enter”. Flip sign according to the weather forecast.

I COLLECT:

Debt – apparently there are no tax breaks for not violating any heinous financial crimes the year in question.

IN MY FREE TIME I LIKE TO:

What Free Time? I don’t know what that is…could you kindly elaborate.

I DON’T NEED ANY MORE:

Bills – I *get paid *pay bills*cry for two weeks*repeat

FAVORITE FAST FOOD ESTABLISHMENTS:

Larry’s Giant Subs – A+ if the BIG ONE makes personal deliveries…but an overnight stay is required 🙂 Ok… I have definitely been working with Laurie and Julie faaaaaarrrrrr too long…lol!!!

LEAST FAVORITE THING:

Fruit Cake – save the regifting for the only person who ate the minced meat pie at Thanksgiving.

BONUS: Triple shot of espresso will be awarded if you can stop by DOL and collect my unemployment check (for last 2 weeks of 6 week furlough from earlier this year). Otherwise, leave Mark a lump of coal with my card, stating “no check, no K&P availability for you and/or conferences.”

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

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