Are you waiting for the grass to grow under your feet?

The week between Christmas and the New Year has always been a state of limbo for me. The dissipation of pre-Christmas cheer is not only anti-climatic but anxiety sets in when you realize how much money you spent in the days leading up to Christmas. This culmination did not result from the well thought out gifts and budget but instead from the “buy or regret” items you came across for yourself while shopping for others. Then you have the humans that strived to remain on Santa’s “nice” list just to resume their “naughty” position when all of the gifts have been unwrapped.

Your diet consists of leftovers for a week, while dirty dishes and laundry continue to pile up. You suddenly learn that one of your canine companions has learned to pull his bed over to cover up his food bowl that remains full. You previously thought he would enjoy a different flavor of dog food for some variety…but, instead you get a confused WTF (where’s the food) look. You toss the dog bed in the pile of laundry that is now taller than the Christmas tree. By now , you are getting the “how dare you” stare-down. You not only took away his bed but did you really think the expensive Merrick turdunken food would appeal more than the cheaper Pedigree beef flavor? Just when you contemplate laying under the Christmas tree to remind the other residents that you are the hand that feeds them and a gift in itself, you long for October again so that you can go back to being your dark self without drawing attention to Wednesday’s child.

You decide to start chipping away at your TA-DA list that you did not get to on your Holiday vacation. You decide to start by unloading the artifacts that have been accumulating in the vehicle during this period. This may be a good time to mention that your eldest arrived home from Islamorada on three tires. Therefore, until repair shops re-open after the Holidays, you are left retrieving the one elusive food item that will satisfy her “over the top” but extremely selective cravings in her first trimester of pregnancy. Since you are not one to carry out mundane tasks and sit idly in standstill Holiday traffic on multiple daily outings with each new craving, you decide to order a “to go” for yourself each time. As a result, the empty food containers in your vehicle have permeated the interior with the likes of garlic, pesto, cajun spices, etc. As you step outside, you hear an all too familiar sound…the mobile Mexican Food truck across the way. YES…the last of the 5-day leftovers from Christmas just won a one-night stand! You decide to move the old food cartons out of the way and eat your delicacy in the confines of your vehicle so that the starving canine inside does not catch a whiff of the essential oils dripping from your tacos and decide to go for the gold in the stare-down competition. Besides, what is one more food container to clean-up when you decide you are too full and procrastinate that TA-DA of cleaning out your vehicle endeavor until the next day.

When you are convinced you have eliminated any evidence of food aroma, you re-enter the house, avoiding the curious glare across the threshold. You take a seat on the sofa while your hasty inhalation of grease settles to your toes while surfing tv channels. By now, you have come to realize that the Hallmark channel portrays unions, while Lifetime portrays death of a union (literally and/or figuratively). You opt to catch up on the news and ultimately decide that an episode of Twilight Zone will be easier on your digestion. This will also aide with the reality that you have to return to work tomorrow.

The next day, you feel like someone exhumed your body from a tomb in Egypt, gave you a cup of coffee and sent you off to an insane asylum. You have come to grips with the fact that group conferences are simply the confusion of one person multiplied by the number of attendees. You have only been gone for a week and last minute changes are thrown at you like darts in the nearby Tavern.

On your way home, you check to see if there is still adult leisure beverage in the cooler from prior Holiday engagements still accompanying you in your vehicle (since you decided to forego cleaning out your vehicle the evening before). You turn on some music to hear the title of the song you have been singing in your head for several days but could not remember the artist or title. You take the back roads home, ever so cautiously, since you decided to take the law into your own hands by consuming ALB while driving. As you take the leisure route home, you contemplate a few resolutions for the New Year:

1. Do not be afraid to release the naughty humans back into the wild.
2. Fix the loose toilet seat in the master cell bathroom so you do not test the fate of your next life.
3. Keep gum in a zip lock bag in your purse so it does not taste like purse dirt and perfume.
4. Always learn from the mistakes of those that took advice from you
5. On the flip side, avoid the ones who ask for your advice but do what they want to do, anyway.
6. In a crunch, you can grab a lunchable from the convenience store and replace the Capris Sun with ALB.
7. Inform eldest of local food/delivery apps until she can get her car into the shop to fix or replace the flat tire.
8. Crossing the causeway counts as going out…and earns double TA-DA points!
9. You notice there is a mobile sweets van next to Jeffecitas when ordering your tacos. When you go over to see what they have, the operator is still setting up shop. They offer for you to go in to check out the edibles in the clear labeled containers. You simply reply, “No way, no how…I have to see the candy before I get into the van… even If I am unsupervised… duh!!!
10. Stir coconut oil into your kale, as it is easier to scrape off the plate. This comes in handy when you vow to limit your meals to 3 a day (now that eldest has been left to her own devices) and eating healthier.
11. If your vehicle is on Empty, better to get gas instead of waiting until the morning…unless you enjoy the company of other procrastinators who decided to do the same thing. Besides, a lunchable with ALB would not be appropriate before work.
12. Be grateful that Athleisure has caught up with you and is now trending.
13. Stop fighting your inner demons and join sides.
14. Inform the next person who refers to their Significant Other as BAE, that BAE is a Danish word for poop.
15. Remember pride comes before a fall…when you think you are rocking the natural/no makeup look just to peer in the mirror and see that you actually look like a Victorian scrooge, sick with influenza and probably will not make it through Winter.
16. Another example of the above is when you brag about your Baywatch lifeguard boyfriend, the LSD wears off and you realize that you are carrying a mannequin through Murphy’s parking lot.
17. If your Meth Dealer has all of their teeth, they are probably an undercover cop.
18. Learn that Kelly, who frequents the same convenience store not only worked for Gail and her notorious family equestrian enterprise but also worked for Rodney (and brother, Dale) Jenkins.
19. As you near home, stop at nearest store to pick up some Pedigree beef dog food for the brooding canine that is winning the stare-down contest by a narrow margin, take your vitamin D3 as you struggle to get your daily dose of sunshine, clean out vehicle and dispose of any misleading conduct, put away all implements used to make creations during your time off from work, try out your highly anticipated Egyptian Cotton Sheets, as a testament to one of your “buy or regret” purchases while on sale.
20. You, now, truly believe in the science and power of the mind…as in you attract what you think/or feel. Just to be clear I did not ask for this burden of proof, however, when I was secretly wishing a naughty human would fall with their hands in their pockets. I went to retrieve something out of my vehicle after dark and took a tumble…more like a landslide. Dare I say I am not clumsy enough to trip over my own feet? I have had a wild fig vine growing in the tree over my driveway for a few years, now. After warning others that they will need to bring their talent for dodging figs with them if they wish to approach my door, it finally happens…only, not to the dreaded guest. The irony is that the incident happened so quickly, I may as well have had my hands in my pockets, as my nose broke the fall. They never said witches have to live in Salem… I know this now.
21. Finally…if all else fails, make out a list of things you can do to make the world a better place for Betty White when you are gone…5 seasons of life episodes must be your expiration date.

BONUS: There is something liberating about vulnerability…dare to embarrass yourself. In order to be in the sunshine, you must endure some blisters.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

DISCLAIMER: This blog may contain false narratives as it relates to extra curricular activities and author does not assume responsibility for any illegal activity 🙂