Extreme Hibernating

We are all guilty…we complain about the summer heat and humidity and cannot wait for cooler weather. Then as soon as cold temperatures take hold, we inevitably catch ourselves saying the same about Winter. However, since I do not like to be a hypocrite – especially one caught in action – I will begrudgingly make do and complain only once my toes and fingers start turning blue or ice begins flowing through my veins. Don’t get me wrong, while I will admit my ideal temperature gauge is between 55-75 degrees, I still prefer winter over summer…in a perfect world winter with longer days.

My Grandmother was like a walking Farmer’s Almanac, always reciting and predicting weather patterns. One notable saying was “if it rains or snows the first weekend of the month, it will do so every weekend of the month”. Not that I am always in tune with weather patterns, but when it becomes debilitating enough, I will take notice. January 2022 was one such month, where every weekend was rainy, cold and windy. Although these miserable conditions are far and few between in south Georgia, there are some noteworthy observations that one may take away from such occurrences.

If you should step on a patch of ice in your driveway – or worse – step on forbidden wild fruit, never fear! You have so many layers on at this point, you will never feel the concrete when you bottom out. Simply do a repeat of the recent automatic responses when found in a compromising situation…look around to make sure none of your fellow neighbors witnessed your ineptness of waddling a few strides in bubble wrap. Then practice your outdated techniques for getting up after a skiing land slide…or turning over in the bed when you were pregnant.

My favorite part of having to go out in the brutal elements is that you can wear your warmest grunge wear, since no one will ever see what you have on beneath all of the winter layers. You can also forgo the hair do and makeup since the only prominent body part one may see between the scarf and sock hat is the bridge of your nose.

Since we are still in the midst of an ongoing pandemic, you may want to consider wearing your mask under your scarf. While not always required or necessary, the mask will act as a disposable diaper for your runny nose and help to preserve your scarf. When you are back inside and remove the outer layers, you can simply discard the mask. Additionally, the unexposed nasal discharge will not freeze to your skin; thus, creating irritation or chapped skin.

My life long complaint has been why no one has invented a pair of winter gloves that you can actually work in. While, I have seen ads and labels advertising such…I have yet to find a pair that you can keep on while trying to open snaps, latches, tying hay bale twine, etc. The number of times, one must remove a glove to complete such tasks, places you that much closer to frost bite. When the nausea sets in at the end of your early AM chores at the barn, do not be tempted to run your hands under warm water in the wash rack. Otherwise, you will experience the rush and expedited return of the gripping pain before you reach the vehicle. Instead, go into the heated bathroom to accomplish mission. That way, you can make certain your hands are completely warm and dry before putting your gloves back on.

There is a delicate balance of how many socks to put on under your winter boots…yes I am actually capable of walking outside without flip flops…lol! For an example, one pair may not be enough but 3 pairs may cause the feet to sweat, thereby, creating a quicker onset of gangrene. This may involve a few trials to to find the right ratio.

Now, I have paid my dues in younger years…so while I may opt NOT to ride during winter storms, I would recommend a winter head band under your riding helmet. You may not hear the 40 MPH wind gusts blowing through the palmettos at the far end of the ring…BUT…. your mount will certainly alert you to the dangers lurking ahead! Compromising my hearing has been a challenge for me. Knowing my luck, I would be walking under a tree in gale force winds with ear buds and miss the warning sounds of a tree falling.

This may be a good time to mention that I grew up with strict government temperatures in the familial home. Therefore, I decided to go the last 5 winters with emergency heat only. When the indoor heating components expired, I decided I was programed to handle 68 (-) just fine in the winter. After all, I survived my childhood with blankets and fans…how bad can it be? When you wake up needing to go to the bathroom, you lay under your heap of blankets trying to decide if it is worth the LOoooooong 11 strides to the bathroom. Worse, once you are in the bathroom, you stare at the toilet seat calculating the seconds before you can abort mission after sitting on an ice doughnut.

Just as you run back to the bed and climb under the blankets, you hear canine movement indicative of their awareness that you are up and beckons for a bathroom break. You manage to untangle yourself from the heap of blankets, once again, to check on the canine. You grab your exterior layers, mentally preparing yourself for a midnight walk in sub zero temperatures. You perform a quick inspection…are legs crossed…is canine pacing floor frantically? Upon closer inspection, you notice feline resident assumed canine’s bed with a holier than thou attitude. You grab warm towels out of the dryer to make a cozy substitute bed for the canine, which is notably accepted with the biggest ES attitude towards the feline.

As you retreat for the bedroom for one last hour of sleep before heading out for 5-6 am chores for the equine prisoners, you hear noises from the interior poultry refugee room (brought in earlier in the evening). You peek in to find they are establishing their pecking order…no pun intended. You go to the kitchen, retrieve a head of cabbage for this very situation, cut it in half and place in the refugee room…that should last a few hours.

When you have a few consecutive days of unseasonably cold weather and a mandate has been issued from barn operations that turnout will not resume until outside water lines can be turned on again, put on all the exterior layers you can still waddle in to get the equine prisoners out for some exercise during the warmest hours. This is not only helpful for gut motility but will hopefully eliminate trying to contain the wild ostriches that have been in solitary confinement until turnout resumes.

In the moments you feel the underprivilege of forgoing the replacement of internal heat components, step outside for a few endurable moments and go back inside…you will once again feel appreciative of emergency heat. Although more expensive to operate on emergency heat, how often are you afforded the day off from the hospitality industry to be present for the necessary repair work?

Watch a weekend marathon of all the episodes you missed while tending to outside summer chores. Remember why you quit watching NCIS when Tony left. You had already grieved the loss of Ziva, Kate and tolerated Ellie’s arrival but the loss of Tony was simply too much.

In extreme winter conditions, sit in your warm vehicle after early morning barn chores with heat on high. When you begin to break a sweat, make a dash for the house before the heat dissipates…all while shuffling to avoid the wild figs in the driveway (courtesy advice of dear friend and recent mishap of nose breaking a fall).

When reading acquired books collected during warmer season, remember to remove reading glasses before waking up for the bathroom run. Reading glasses are meant for reading …not walking or running.

Finish post Christmas crafts meant for yours truly while in hibernation mode.

When the temperatures reach normal winter highs again for your area, inside refugees and plants are back outside, refugee rooms clean, vehicle starts and runs without having to warm up for 10 minutes, you are no longer wrapped in more bubble wrap than the equine companions, you can remove the high tech gloves for a few seconds at a time without the threat of frost bite, even your younger die hard riding companions are not as apt to forfeit riding, the warmer but cooler temps still keep you from late hours of equine riding/turnout for the equine companions (originating from the northern hemisphere) that suffer from anhidrosis, breathing issues or sensitivity to swamp bugs, etc. Count your blessings…you only get 3 months (at best) without the concern of the remaining nine months of inequitable worries.